....ONE in 100.....**

020515
beloved LEGS

....Even though my mind was made up, even though I had told my trainer my decision.  It was hard.  I would look around at my comrades faces during training (which basically looks like we are all about to die), I would laugh, talk trash, tease and be teased by them and I would know that in a few short months this chapter in my life would be over.  That I would never experience these feelings ever again.  

.....and some days it was easy.  When training was so hard, when I was so tired, when injuries and aches and soreness would plague my abilities for weeks on end.....it was easier to think about how much easier and relaxed my life would be.  How getting on the scale morning noon and night would soon be a undesired piece of my past joyfully left behind......

.....most days it was scary.  I was afraid of leaving the one thing that held me together behind.  What would hold me together now?  Where was my life headed? Was I going to happily settle into being a plain old military wife, who spent her days doting on her husband and trying to get pregnant?  Would that satisfy me?  Would that be enough?  My answer was always NO.  That there had to be a new goal, a new endeavor.  That being ordinary was never going to be enough for me.  

.....I never formally said goodbye to my team mates.  I knew the very last week that I was in training that it was my last week.  SOME of them knew it too, but to keep it together we all just pretended I would be back again next week, or tomorrow for the next session.  

.....the last night I went to training, I almost cried every single second I was there.  I told myself to savor and treasure every single minute, because it was my very last.  When I looked at my team mates I wanted to cry and hug them, I wanted to hold them and tell them how much I loved them.  

.....it was an unspoken understanding.....that boxers don't cry in public.  To reduce myself, to reduce them to tears would be the worst defeat for us all.  So I smiled, and laughed and walked out of the gym saying until next time.  

I was happy.  Happy that I had what I did. Happy that I did what I did.  I was happy that I was able to make a clear, clean decision about when to leave the sport.  I left without any major injuries.  And with a few pretty rough fights, but always leaving the ring on my feet with my head held high.  

My trainer said to me "That only 1 in 100 people have what I have.  That I did more in the sport of boxing in 4 years in Europe that most people don't accomplish in 10.  That I have a fighter spirit, that not every one possesses that, that I should never feel ashamed or sad of leaving for my noble reasons.  And that no one can ever take away what I accomplished.  He said that it hurts his heart that I am leaving the team, because I am the soul of the team, always at training, always happy to attack, always motivating, always ready to fight.  He said that I need to pass that gift on to others in my future.  He said that the team was so lucky that I found them, and that our relationship will continue for our entire lives."

....tears. tears. tears.  

.....another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

...living for something new.....**

020515
beloved LEGS....

....When you left again for a 9 month deployment in Afghanistan it made perfect sense that I would spend my time trying for the 2016 Rio Olympics.  I spent the summer training harder than I have ever trained, and traveling all over to compete in International and World Boxing Tournaments.  

When your entire existence revolves around a single goal, its increasingly difficult to accept the disappointments of making only 2nd or 3rd place despite the reality that you are competing against the best in the world......

.....After what was a negative experience in the ring in the USA at the Ringside World Tournament, only to return and experience another crushing disappointment in the German International Tournament.....it was a bizarre dichotomous feeling.  

A question that plagued me for months.  Should I continue down the path of even harder, even closer fights, against girls that had many years of experience more than me, girls that had physically hurt me and taken pieces of my will to fight, girls that had nothing more to live for than the sport of boxing???

Or.....

Should I leave......should I stop.....I won't say quit because I didn't ever quit, no matter how hard, how beat up, how difficult it was to learn and relearn the sport under three different Coaches in three different locations, no matter how sad, or tired, or hurt my spirit or body was.  But should I live for something new, something else?

And then something happened. A very dear friend of mine who was my first and only friend on the Bavarian Regional Boxing Team was in the hospital.  I wrote to her asking her if she was okay, assuming surely that she had only suffered an injury in training. 

Her and I had spent a few weeks together only a month ago, punching one another, sweating next to one another, and surviving the training and grueling schedule of competing in the German International Championship together.  It couldn't be anything too serious since she was a picture of perfect health and strength during tournament.

She told me she had CANCER.  Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma.  A tumor in her stomach (where I had surely punched her numerous times during sparring) that was a pretty significant size.  She would have to undergo Chemotherapy.  It was at this time that you had experienced some pretty close and frightening calls in Afghanistan. 

The fear that LIFE had just given me was paralyzing.  I felt backed into a corner and afraid to come out.  I also cried a lot, and felt powerless in the world.  It was something that I had never felt before, LIFE, had never quieted my spirit, my hunger to face it without fear, until now.....

I was able to pull it together, I decided that......my friend would fight this cancer and come out victorious because there was no other option, and that you despite all the danger you were in, would return to me once again.  In the meantime,  I would enter the ring and fight for her, and for you. 

One night I was texting my friend.  She told me that she needed to spend the day at the Women's University because.......the chemotherapy could possibly affect her ability to ever have children.  

We both sat on the phone texting each other sobbing and bawling hysterically.  It hadn't even crossed my mind that.....having Cancer would ruin her ability to have children.  She told me "wait and see, one day I will have children." 

After spending hours alone in my bed crying, I decided that I had no more time to wait and waste.  That as soon as you got home, we would get pregnant.  Bringing new life into this world had become my new purpose. 

I always stayed in boxing to motivate, bring hope, inspire, to show and spread love, I stayed because I was needed, because it gave me a mission, because......within the sport and with all of them watching I was changing the world...... 

But.....it was time....to leave the sport on my terms, without any major injuries, and start to live for something else....something new......

......just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....family....**

012015
beloved LEGS...

After years of being stationed in NEVER NEVER LAND, its no wonder that we are a little estranged from both of our families.  The two of us have not been home to visit together for more than a few SHORT periods, usually before or after deployments.

During these periods I can't say that us or our families behave "normally" because of the stress involved.  How does one operate normally when its possible this is the last time we will all see one another? How does one behave around a person who just came back from a war zone?  Is it right to behave "normally"? Or should special attention and consideration be made for this bizarre time?

It frustrates me when many moments of our visit I see the distance between us and the family, it makes me very, very sad.  There are so many times when it becomes apparent that even our families do not understand our lifestyle, so many moments in which there is an element of surprise on both behalf's at some random detail of both lives, and some even tense conversations about view points on all things political.

Am I in denial? I am always left scratching my head.  How is it possible that we could grow up, with the same parents, live in the same house, go to the same schools, church, have the same neighborhood friends, the same childhood memories, and yet there be so much distance between us as adults?

The awkward isolation, odd man out, cast away feelings I get make my heart ache to return to the world that we have created for ourselves.....the world where our views are perhaps not always agreed upon but certainly understood.  The world where we are loved, where we are a little idolized and at the very least supported by almost strangers.......the phenomena makes me feel sick....and like crying....which admittedly, I did.

I just wish it wasn't so hard to reconnect to "our people." I feel protective toward you, and toward what you have done.  It should be recognized, there should be an attempt to understand you.  I feel like, you are the most amazing person on earth and your sum should be known.  I wonder if it is difficult for you to be unseen, misunderstood, unknown by people I know that you love insanely dearly.  I asked you about it.  And you said the most profound thing.

"I don't want them to think about it.  I do it, so they don't have to think about it."

As a person who spends an obscene amount of time, talking, writing, and thinking of ways to be UNDERSTOOD, its a surprise to me that you are so comfortable being under the radar, being an unknown man, in the shadows.....and it hurts me that people who should see you never will.  The parallel between you and the comic book superhero is strangely, A REALITY.

To make matters even harder for me to understand.....while home....I watched a family member of mine harshly criticize my mother.  To be honest the message was difficult to understand following the words felt like entering a maze to which there was no real solution.  Determining a conclusion or the correct response was maddening.  When my mother defended herself she was told to eliminate herself from the life of her sibling and actions to promote that finality were set in motion.

This.  I do not understand.  While it is very hard for LEGS and I to always understand, hold compassion, and love our families despite the distance and estrangement.......we could never and would never willingly eliminate them from our lives.   At the end of the day I could only conclude that this phenomena MUST be a luxury of civilian life.

To dismiss an individual because they are difficult, challenging, because they live a way you don't agree with, or navigate differently then you do even though they are your blood, to me, is a cardinal sin, one that I will never understand.

On our last night in Alaska.  I said goodbye to my sisters as if I would see them again tomorrow.  I felt like things were like they used to be.  We lived at home, we were close, I felt a unity with my family that I hadn't felt in years.  

The next morning we left under the cover of night in a taxi, it started to snow a little, as I gazed out the window watching the flakes blow by, my heart fell apart, because I realized that I wouldn't see them tomorrow.  And that closeness, I feared, was already floating away.

.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

......the heart of a GIANT....**

021915
beloved LEGS....

.....maybe its a silly belief, but I have always felt that old people and very young people have many of the answers the rest of us seek about the world, about life......like they have some special ability to see into your soul, they see things the rest of us do not......

.....the first time I met Grandma Coussens I was struggling.....I was madly in love with you....foolish, young and dumb, still,  I was madly in love.....but I was fumbling with approval from your family.....they were so different from my family....so cold....and reserved.....

.....I suppose if she would have known how much we went against the grain of her Catholic beliefs she wouldn't have much liked me either.....but for some reason....I felt like she was the ONLY one I had on my side.....the only one that could see my heart was pure....and though my love for you was immature- it was real.......

.....a generation that I look up to very much is leaving us....Grandma Coussens is one that I often think of when I am sure that I just can't go on one more second during your frequent and long deployments.  A woman who was widowed in World War II, but managed despite the ultimate heartbreak to go on.....to find another, to have three children, to survive......and flourish....for many many years after being widowed a second time.....

....I don't even know the story of her first husband.  I only have these lighthearted imaginings of their story.  I picture a very young attractive couple, deeply in love, getting married before he was off to war.  I was once brave enough to ask her about him, but she burst into tears and I was left there to gather up the pieces feeling foolish for being so selfish.....I couldn't help but cry too.....because I felt how in love she was with him based on her reaction....and it resonated within my soul.....

...she raised three successful, genuine, men with good hearts.  Which in the end resulted in your existence......she has been a personal hero of mine, a pinnacle, a lighthouse, that I have used to guide and light my way as a military wife......

.....she has fed my stubborn streak, given me courage, and without ever knowing it, has motivated me to be honorable, pure and dedicated to you during times I could not believe were so hard.....

.....I know she has wanted to die for a very long time, and even though the last time we saw her, she looked absolutely miserable, when I think that she is going to leave this earth, I burst into uncontrollable tears and think to myself....my only Allie in the Coussens family is abandoning me....

....I met her toward the end of her life, so she doesn't even remember who I am.  I think I have only spoke to her in person a dozen times.  She has not earthly idea what she has meant to me in my life.....but that is just it.......

.....When your life is so extraordinary, heroic, and significant......your probably so busy surviving that you don't even realize others are looking to you......for the answers, for the map, to guide the way.....

Her message, her story, will not die with her, it will live on through me, and through our children.  They will know that during the hardest, heart wrenching, gutting times of my entire life, there was a small fragile old lady who lived with the heart of a giant, who I believe recognized TRUE LOVE when she saw it, who survived, inspired, and instilled the greatest lesson in life, which is to NEVER GIVE UP.

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

....time travel....**

010115
beloved LEGS....

....its new years day and we are traveling back in time.....

....every time I lay my eyes upon your face, run them across your chest and down to your toes....I think I cannot be lucky enough to be married to this handsome, sexy, man....

I wake up from a nap on the airplane, my mouth is dry like cotton, you smile at me and kiss me and then I look down to see water that you ordered for me while I was sleeping.  I know it seems like something small, but if I had been traveling alone, which happens a lot when you are away, I would have slept through the drink service, I would be sitting next to some stranger who doesn't even know we are still in Afghanistan, and suffering through dehydration.  To have this small, careful, compassionate gesture, is a luxury, it is  as rich as flying first class on a private jet....

....I wake up again and you are holding my hand.  My heart smiles and I drift back off to sleep...

TWENTY SEVEN TREACHEROUS HOURS of time travel and you still make me laugh, give me comfort, watch over me, watch over our things, I think its the funniest trip we have ever made.

At the moment we are jammed on a flight full of military members headed to Alaska.  They all have that war torn look about them, the insignia on their sweatshirts or camo backpacks, the sound of dip cans being packed, and curse words being sprinkled in normal conversations....a lot of times I feel like Alaska isn't my home any more, but, on this flight I feel as if, I am reunited with my people, and we are all going. HOME....

I can't stop looking at you, even in your most unattractive, overly tired, zombie like travel sleep position,  mouth open, head cocked back, I still look at you in awe.  I look at you not believing you made it back, not believing I am so lucky, tears well in my eyes....because I can hardly take it......the gratitude in my heart, for you and for all these soldiers....

....and still there are moments when our separation is apparent, a hitch in our flow, a break in communication, a momentary aggravation, but as a seasoned military couple- we lock eyes and we just know, its because we are both used to being alone, we are both used to being in charge....

....in Zurich at passport control, as we moved up the line, I looked over to you to retrieve our passports, I saw you frantically searching through your bag for our passports but coming up short, I started to get frustrated that you hadn't yet found them, when we were called up to the counter you were still rifling through your bag, my irritation must have been apparent and your panic was definitely so, because the passport control officer asked us if everything was alright.  We both laughed and I explained to her that we had both been separated a long time and we are learning to work together as a team.....she looked amused and we were clear to proceed.....

....its amazing how anonymous we can be through out life....in airports I always think none of us know any of us, where we have been, where we are going, what we have been through, though, I feel like telling all of them, that you made it back, that to me you are a hero, especially when we land in the United States....

... I suppose there were a few instances in which our military status mattered, we were able to cut through the security line (not without being challenged) , we were able to board the plane first, its not lost on me to an average civilian this is a huge gesture of appreciation, the grumbles and sour looks indicate this is so....but....when I think of the painful burdens you carry, the hardship we endure....the gesture is miniscule.....

...the thought of leaving you, letting you out of my sight, to run and use the restroom, to conquer and divide, sets off a deep rooted panic....and I stop breathing until we are together again, when I see you, when the back of your head is in my view, or your walking back from where you were, or when I hurry around the corner and see you sitting there....I feel the same elation I felt the day you came home, like a child on Christmas morning, sweet sixteen with a new car, a young bride on her wedding day....its a beautiful gift, every moment I have with you....

....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

....limbo....**

122714
beloved LEGS....

.....I don't know why, but I feel like going for a run today....I just feel like I need to go out there and be free.....be in a wide open space....so all of me can be as big as I feel.....I try to convince you to join me but you want to strum on your guitar....we discuss whether or not my running is as a result of my compulsion to weigh a certain amount, or an unhealthy compulsion to exercise so much.....but in the end I convince you its just because I feel like it.....still....its hard for me to actually leave you.....

....I tell myself its okay for us to be separate of each other.  So I head out.  It gives me time to think.  To daydream.  To process this whirlwind I've been in.  I feel like I have been so out of control, so dizzy and in delirious haze.....I need to breathe in the fresh air and get a firm grasp on my wits about me....

.....I remember Mariannae running even with her bad knees up the hill to our house when she first saw you.....tears in her eyes out of breath to welcome you home....and tell you how happy she is you made it back in good condition.....I later asked you how you felt when she did that.....as she nearly killed herself to get to you.....

You said "I don't like to be welcomed and thanked, I just want it to be routine like we used to be."

I smile to myself because I hope secretly you realize that.....we could never be who we were....and it will never be like it was.......

I imagine that.....if I believed in Heaven and Hell, if I believed in LIMBO the only thing in life that would be similar is when these men come back from war.  To leave a hellish place only to return to where things are shiny, alive, clean, warm and loving....to accept this is where you are now, to believe that its true....its a bizarre sort of middle ground......

It must be sort of like a LIMBO.  That transition.  The time in between.  I feel as if I am in a LIMBO as well.  Amidst the holidays, before a month long trip, a homecoming....and my decision to leave the sport of boxing.

People look at me like I am making a mistake when I tell them.  In order to pursue my Olympic aspirations I would have been away preparing for competition when you came home from Afghanistan.  I try to explain that......having you return from war to nothing is not something I could ever forgive myself for.  I married you before boxing was ever in the picture.  Giving up a soul crushing sport in the name of love, to me, is a worthy and noble reason.

I have nothing left to prove to anyone.  I was an Elite Female Boxer who entered the ring with the best in the world.  Gold Medal, Olympic dreams accomplished or not.....would mean nothing on the podium next to TRUE LOVE.

And even when I try to tell people what I did, or explain why I stopped....they just don't understand....

.....its at this point in my run where, I start to panic.  My legs and feet won't cooperate with my heart and soul.  Its at this moment where, I cannot move as fast or as deeply as I want to be next to you again......its been too long and its only been minutes......

....I think that....if we live through this....we will never look back.....there is nothing left for us there....still I can't help but feel we are running to the edge of a boundary....and I don't know what it looks like past that point....

.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....infinity....**

122014
beloved LEGS

.....every year you and I write new vows to each other to commemorate our wedding anniversary, to recommit ourselves......we have been so busy with your homecoming, re-integration, Christmas, packing for our upcoming trip to the states that we haven't had a single minute to ourselves to write anything.......still.....I manged to jot down a few words....and feel the attempt is important. 

The infinity symbol is an abstract concept describing "something" without any limit.  It is often treated as if it were a number but its not the same sort of number as the real numbers. When the symbol is inverted it looks like a number eight.  There is never a break or an ending , there are low points and high points, curves and straights, parts that are further from each other and closer to each other....but the most important part is where it intersects.....just like the symbol there is no end to our love, no challenge too difficult....for our 8th Anniversary we sealed the permanence of our fate with the symbol....tattooed in the same spot in the same fashion on our left arms.......

.....the deployment was hard...and still there are moments in our days that are difficult, stiff, shakey, challenging.......but.......being with you these last days is like the point where the infinity symbol intersects....

......its a perfect place in space.....in time.....on a flawless continuum.....a paradise that feels like heaven exists on earth in real life.....you have me.....in these moments....that I know won't last forever.....its like I can feel all of my love for you.....of course you have me.....but its like a moment when I know that I would never survive without you...and my heart it kind of cracks open....I try to stop it because it hurts a little but instead love just pours out of it causing this euphoric rush....I keep thinking that it will stop or run out or slow down....but it doesn't it just keeps flowing.....its in these sacred moments that I want to tie you to me for the rest of your life......its in these moments I hope we are making a baby.....

.....I am captivated by you....and I want to captivate you.....I want to show you all the things I wish for you to see, of me....of the world.......of infinity for eternity...

....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**