......the heart of a GIANT....**

021915
beloved LEGS....

.....maybe its a silly belief, but I have always felt that old people and very young people have many of the answers the rest of us seek about the world, about life......like they have some special ability to see into your soul, they see things the rest of us do not......

.....the first time I met Grandma Coussens I was struggling.....I was madly in love with you....foolish, young and dumb, still,  I was madly in love.....but I was fumbling with approval from your family.....they were so different from my family....so cold....and reserved.....

.....I suppose if she would have known how much we went against the grain of her Catholic beliefs she wouldn't have much liked me either.....but for some reason....I felt like she was the ONLY one I had on my side.....the only one that could see my heart was pure....and though my love for you was immature- it was real.......

.....a generation that I look up to very much is leaving us....Grandma Coussens is one that I often think of when I am sure that I just can't go on one more second during your frequent and long deployments.  A woman who was widowed in World War II, but managed despite the ultimate heartbreak to go on.....to find another, to have three children, to survive......and flourish....for many many years after being widowed a second time.....

....I don't even know the story of her first husband.  I only have these lighthearted imaginings of their story.  I picture a very young attractive couple, deeply in love, getting married before he was off to war.  I was once brave enough to ask her about him, but she burst into tears and I was left there to gather up the pieces feeling foolish for being so selfish.....I couldn't help but cry too.....because I felt how in love she was with him based on her reaction....and it resonated within my soul.....

...she raised three successful, genuine, men with good hearts.  Which in the end resulted in your existence......she has been a personal hero of mine, a pinnacle, a lighthouse, that I have used to guide and light my way as a military wife......

.....she has fed my stubborn streak, given me courage, and without ever knowing it, has motivated me to be honorable, pure and dedicated to you during times I could not believe were so hard.....

.....I know she has wanted to die for a very long time, and even though the last time we saw her, she looked absolutely miserable, when I think that she is going to leave this earth, I burst into uncontrollable tears and think to myself....my only Allie in the Coussens family is abandoning me....

....I met her toward the end of her life, so she doesn't even remember who I am.  I think I have only spoke to her in person a dozen times.  She has not earthly idea what she has meant to me in my life.....but that is just it.......

.....When your life is so extraordinary, heroic, and significant......your probably so busy surviving that you don't even realize others are looking to you......for the answers, for the map, to guide the way.....

Her message, her story, will not die with her, it will live on through me, and through our children.  They will know that during the hardest, heart wrenching, gutting times of my entire life, there was a small fragile old lady who lived with the heart of a giant, who I believe recognized TRUE LOVE when she saw it, who survived, inspired, and instilled the greatest lesson in life, which is to NEVER GIVE UP.

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

....time travel....**

010115
beloved LEGS....

....its new years day and we are traveling back in time.....

....every time I lay my eyes upon your face, run them across your chest and down to your toes....I think I cannot be lucky enough to be married to this handsome, sexy, man....

I wake up from a nap on the airplane, my mouth is dry like cotton, you smile at me and kiss me and then I look down to see water that you ordered for me while I was sleeping.  I know it seems like something small, but if I had been traveling alone, which happens a lot when you are away, I would have slept through the drink service, I would be sitting next to some stranger who doesn't even know we are still in Afghanistan, and suffering through dehydration.  To have this small, careful, compassionate gesture, is a luxury, it is  as rich as flying first class on a private jet....

....I wake up again and you are holding my hand.  My heart smiles and I drift back off to sleep...

TWENTY SEVEN TREACHEROUS HOURS of time travel and you still make me laugh, give me comfort, watch over me, watch over our things, I think its the funniest trip we have ever made.

At the moment we are jammed on a flight full of military members headed to Alaska.  They all have that war torn look about them, the insignia on their sweatshirts or camo backpacks, the sound of dip cans being packed, and curse words being sprinkled in normal conversations....a lot of times I feel like Alaska isn't my home any more, but, on this flight I feel as if, I am reunited with my people, and we are all going. HOME....

I can't stop looking at you, even in your most unattractive, overly tired, zombie like travel sleep position,  mouth open, head cocked back, I still look at you in awe.  I look at you not believing you made it back, not believing I am so lucky, tears well in my eyes....because I can hardly take it......the gratitude in my heart, for you and for all these soldiers....

....and still there are moments when our separation is apparent, a hitch in our flow, a break in communication, a momentary aggravation, but as a seasoned military couple- we lock eyes and we just know, its because we are both used to being alone, we are both used to being in charge....

....in Zurich at passport control, as we moved up the line, I looked over to you to retrieve our passports, I saw you frantically searching through your bag for our passports but coming up short, I started to get frustrated that you hadn't yet found them, when we were called up to the counter you were still rifling through your bag, my irritation must have been apparent and your panic was definitely so, because the passport control officer asked us if everything was alright.  We both laughed and I explained to her that we had both been separated a long time and we are learning to work together as a team.....she looked amused and we were clear to proceed.....

....its amazing how anonymous we can be through out life....in airports I always think none of us know any of us, where we have been, where we are going, what we have been through, though, I feel like telling all of them, that you made it back, that to me you are a hero, especially when we land in the United States....

... I suppose there were a few instances in which our military status mattered, we were able to cut through the security line (not without being challenged) , we were able to board the plane first, its not lost on me to an average civilian this is a huge gesture of appreciation, the grumbles and sour looks indicate this is so....but....when I think of the painful burdens you carry, the hardship we endure....the gesture is miniscule.....

...the thought of leaving you, letting you out of my sight, to run and use the restroom, to conquer and divide, sets off a deep rooted panic....and I stop breathing until we are together again, when I see you, when the back of your head is in my view, or your walking back from where you were, or when I hurry around the corner and see you sitting there....I feel the same elation I felt the day you came home, like a child on Christmas morning, sweet sixteen with a new car, a young bride on her wedding day....its a beautiful gift, every moment I have with you....

....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

....limbo....**

122714
beloved LEGS....

.....I don't know why, but I feel like going for a run today....I just feel like I need to go out there and be free.....be in a wide open space....so all of me can be as big as I feel.....I try to convince you to join me but you want to strum on your guitar....we discuss whether or not my running is as a result of my compulsion to weigh a certain amount, or an unhealthy compulsion to exercise so much.....but in the end I convince you its just because I feel like it.....still....its hard for me to actually leave you.....

....I tell myself its okay for us to be separate of each other.  So I head out.  It gives me time to think.  To daydream.  To process this whirlwind I've been in.  I feel like I have been so out of control, so dizzy and in delirious haze.....I need to breathe in the fresh air and get a firm grasp on my wits about me....

.....I remember Mariannae running even with her bad knees up the hill to our house when she first saw you.....tears in her eyes out of breath to welcome you home....and tell you how happy she is you made it back in good condition.....I later asked you how you felt when she did that.....as she nearly killed herself to get to you.....

You said "I don't like to be welcomed and thanked, I just want it to be routine like we used to be."

I smile to myself because I hope secretly you realize that.....we could never be who we were....and it will never be like it was.......

I imagine that.....if I believed in Heaven and Hell, if I believed in LIMBO the only thing in life that would be similar is when these men come back from war.  To leave a hellish place only to return to where things are shiny, alive, clean, warm and loving....to accept this is where you are now, to believe that its true....its a bizarre sort of middle ground......

It must be sort of like a LIMBO.  That transition.  The time in between.  I feel as if I am in a LIMBO as well.  Amidst the holidays, before a month long trip, a homecoming....and my decision to leave the sport of boxing.

People look at me like I am making a mistake when I tell them.  In order to pursue my Olympic aspirations I would have been away preparing for competition when you came home from Afghanistan.  I try to explain that......having you return from war to nothing is not something I could ever forgive myself for.  I married you before boxing was ever in the picture.  Giving up a soul crushing sport in the name of love, to me, is a worthy and noble reason.

I have nothing left to prove to anyone.  I was an Elite Female Boxer who entered the ring with the best in the world.  Gold Medal, Olympic dreams accomplished or not.....would mean nothing on the podium next to TRUE LOVE.

And even when I try to tell people what I did, or explain why I stopped....they just don't understand....

.....its at this point in my run where, I start to panic.  My legs and feet won't cooperate with my heart and soul.  Its at this moment where, I cannot move as fast or as deeply as I want to be next to you again......its been too long and its only been minutes......

....I think that....if we live through this....we will never look back.....there is nothing left for us there....still I can't help but feel we are running to the edge of a boundary....and I don't know what it looks like past that point....

.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....infinity....**

122014
beloved LEGS

.....every year you and I write new vows to each other to commemorate our wedding anniversary, to recommit ourselves......we have been so busy with your homecoming, re-integration, Christmas, packing for our upcoming trip to the states that we haven't had a single minute to ourselves to write anything.......still.....I manged to jot down a few words....and feel the attempt is important. 

The infinity symbol is an abstract concept describing "something" without any limit.  It is often treated as if it were a number but its not the same sort of number as the real numbers. When the symbol is inverted it looks like a number eight.  There is never a break or an ending , there are low points and high points, curves and straights, parts that are further from each other and closer to each other....but the most important part is where it intersects.....just like the symbol there is no end to our love, no challenge too difficult....for our 8th Anniversary we sealed the permanence of our fate with the symbol....tattooed in the same spot in the same fashion on our left arms.......

.....the deployment was hard...and still there are moments in our days that are difficult, stiff, shakey, challenging.......but.......being with you these last days is like the point where the infinity symbol intersects....

......its a perfect place in space.....in time.....on a flawless continuum.....a paradise that feels like heaven exists on earth in real life.....you have me.....in these moments....that I know won't last forever.....its like I can feel all of my love for you.....of course you have me.....but its like a moment when I know that I would never survive without you...and my heart it kind of cracks open....I try to stop it because it hurts a little but instead love just pours out of it causing this euphoric rush....I keep thinking that it will stop or run out or slow down....but it doesn't it just keeps flowing.....its in these sacred moments that I want to tie you to me for the rest of your life......its in these moments I hope we are making a baby.....

.....I am captivated by you....and I want to captivate you.....I want to show you all the things I wish for you to see, of me....of the world.......of infinity for eternity...

....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

.....your life's value....**

121514
beloved LEGS....

.....you have a mustache.....you look like a completely different man.....your hand around my hand, the way you hold me, the way you look at me, the way you speak to me.....the look in your eye....everything is different....I stand back to take you in.....and I am sure, that even your soul is different.....

....but despite my trepidation of the man that stands before me, I am drawn in.....hypnotized.....I cannot stand even the slightest distance between us.....its impossible, ridiculous, irrational, but I want you physically touching me every second of every minute.....

....for the last several years, every single day has been about control.  Every single day has been about training, diet, scales, weight, and performance.  Boxing gave me control over my life when I didn't have control over my life.  Even though I couldn't control when you called, when you were home, when you had to leave, when you came back, I could control how much I trained, I could control what was on my plate, I could control my schedule, my performance if I trained right, dieted right, if I weighed the right amount.

.....and now....I just wanted to let go.....I wanted to go crazy, to lose control, I wanted to follow this strange man any where he wanted to go.....and so I did......

.....The first ten days a soldier is home, they have to attend "Re-integration."  Its almost as if you die and come back to life.  They have to re-join the real world doing things like reorganizing their existence including, medical, transportation, communication, living arrangement, and the way in which they are paid.

I was sitting next to you in one of these classes when you raised your hand and asked a question regarding compensation for taking enemy fire.  My mouth went dry and I look at you in shock.  Yes the man was sitting next to me in perfect health in perfect condition, but the idea that you were ever in harms way, the idea that any person would try to harm you......shocked me and hurt me severely.  Even more hard to swallow was the way in which you and these other men are "compensated" for these grave near misses......

.....I look around the room......all different kinds of men from all different types of places.....all in danger.....all filling out forms to determine how much money they are worth to our country......

......I can tell you.....while the sound of pens scribbling down on paper, the confusion of these government forms, questions in all directions for all scenarios.....I felt....devastated.....that these lives could even be measured like this......I wanted to cry....and to throw up......but I just looked at you.....because the only thing that soothes me.....is remembering how lucky I am you are back safely....

.....it got me thinking.....and made me quietly enraged.....that's how "they" get away with it.....they make us so thankful and feel so lucky you made it back that we don't even care what actually happened.....or how your lives are "calculated".......

......if I was to put a price or a number or a value on your life.....on what you mean to me......and honestly what your being means to the world.....it would be impossible....but if I was ever hard pressed......you are worth every ray of sunshine, every single star in the sky, the power of the moon....and me....whatever I would be worth to the world.....

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

Survivng the feat....**

121311
beloved LEGS

....an aviators wife knows that the weather actually controls her entire life.....its been very, very foggy in NEVER NEVER LAND, and as people have complained about it I have smiled quietly to myself because its one of my favorite things about winters here......with exception of today...........your flight to NEVER NEVER LAND has been canceled due to FOG in Romania.

and the only thing I can do is laugh because.....its clear as a bell in NEVER NEVER LAND......so....its one more day.....one more day apart......

....I know it sounds weird but I savior it and hate it all at the same time.  I enjoy the peace, the laziness and endless free time, I finished knitting you a pair of socks.  At the same time, I can hardly wait for the rush, the adventure, and the chaos of your return....

....and then it comes.  The day comes.  But its bittersweet.  Not every soldier from your group is coming home.  A small handful are staying behind, and you were one of the lucky ones that gets to come home in time for Christmas.

The fear I have of this moment, of you, of the return, and all that comes with it is so terrifying- I actually turn to one of the wives whose husband will not be returning and ask her out loud...."Am I going to be okay?"  Its that paralyzing fear that you feel before you take a leap, before you step in the ring, before you take a big chance.....before you do something you have never done before.....

....I spent hours becoming more beautiful than I could ever imagine being and now I sit in the same hanger I watched you leave in 6 months ago.....you will be coming in at any moment.....and then you do.....except I can't tell which soldier is you.....I try to pick you out in the group....I search with great determination to find your face so that I can tell from which direction you will be coming....to no avail....and then like a cue ball hitting the group on a pool table you guys scatter....

....I walk a few steps but then I freeze because I see you, a woman walking in front of you momentarily disrupts your path and I see you shuffle her along.....our eyes lock...and I jump.....

....I leap for love, for victory, in blind faith, of the future, in your arms all the fear, all the anxiety, the weight, the stress, the torment.....it just disappears......everything that has ever happened or will ever happen doesn't matter.......any more.....in fact.....I can't even remember anything....because....we are new.....you didn't come back......I just waited until we met again......

....like infinity.....it never ends, but some points go further apart......until they intersect again.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

.....havoc.....**

112814
beloved LEGS

....I have been picking at this blog for weeks, attempting in vain to capture all the feelings I am having about every thing........it seems....I have an extreme amount to be happy about.....and a little to be extremely sad about.....

.....finally....after many, many, months, living separately, being in different counties, at different times, in different places, doing many different things, we will be together- again- in a matter of days.....even writing this makes me feel like a scared crazy person......

..I wish I could describe the constant ebb and flow of polarizing emotions I seem to experience within an hour.....some hours... I am so thrilled and excited I can hardly keep the shit eaten grin off my face, I can't stop fidgeting or hold still or concentrate I just vibrate and bounce all over the place.......

....other times I feel so terrified and nervous I can hardly leave the house without a big pep talk, I fear that if I say that you are coming home too many times to too many people it will somehow alter the entire UNIVERSE and for some reason.....our reunion will be ruined...I fear something happening to me or to you.....abnormal paranoia of the worst case scenarios.....

.....in between the hours of compulsive excitement and schizophrenic paranoia I worry and stress over the adjustment of living with another person, about living with you, because I know that.....we are both different than we were, what we have done, what we have seen, what we have learned, how we have grown, how the circumstances of our lives have some how diminished us.....

.......I obsess over every single detail, I imagine and re-imagine what its all going to be like....and I wonder sometimes if you will still even like me.....if it will be different or the same as the other times.....I mull over and over in my head, what you will look like in real life, how it will feel, if I have changed, if you have changed......

......I promise myself that I will make every single daydream I had while you were away come true and at the same time I tell myself to remember we both need to breathe......

....when I have been able to come outside my head, away from the vibrating excitement, out of the house and the paranoia, when I am momentarily distracted from my day dreams of our reunion.........I have looked around and seen a very tragic film playing instead of the characters in my life.....and its been in all directions......some crashes I could see coming months ago and others were blind siding....things that leave me more sad and woeful then a Shakespeare play.....

.......even worse is.......not every husband is coming home.......

.....I have been that girl.  The one watching all the others reunited with their husbands while I sat and waited my turn.....and even though- I always shed a few tears when I see the pictures and get goose bumps when I read about the details.....there is always a twinge in my heart, because I wish it was me......so, although I am very happy, there will always be a catch in my breath......an unfair pleasure, an undeserved relief.....

.......through out the course of my day and the course of my night....I swear my life takes turns between genre's.......and the extremes wreak havoc on me.....my ability to sleep and eat normally have completed disintegrated.....you said you are feeling sick....we are both arriving to our romantic reunion in shambles......

....its almost like a wedding day.....but more like an arranged marriage.....

....a photographer has asked to follow me through out the day of your homecoming, there is an "outfit" instead of a dress, shoe options- weather dependent, will there be a KISS?.....will it be weird?, of course it will.....what will we say to each other?......this still evades me......cooking, cleaning, decorating, ......obsessing, over thinking, preparing......

....What are you doing over the weekend?

Oh nothing, just going to pick up a man I haven't seen in 7 months,  (insert SMILE)  he is my soul mate (insert another SMILE) , I have to meet him and fall in love with him again......(insert LAUGH)

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**