Enough....even for myself....**

Hey BLOG....


As previously announced we are getting a visit from the IN LAWS; BobDad, Queen Di and Cupcake.


We met up with them in Ingolstadt Germany- which is a suburb of Munich.  It was perfect timing LEGS and I had just settled into our room when we got a call that they had arrived.  We hurried down to the lobby of the hotel to find that they had arrived early with all luggage....which NEVER happens- how LUCKY we are!  The only solid complaint was how long of a flight they had and how jet lagged everybody was.....


After some traditional german cuisine LEGS and I tucked into our "double" which appears to be more like a "twin" for the night.....


Is it unimportant that we both woke up feeling like we were on LIVE TV performing in the WWF Championships??? Pretty sure I conquered him and took home the belt, LEGS and BobDad are going to GEEK IT UP at the AUDI Factory while us girls check out the shops..... 


We headed back to where we live in OBERDACHSTETTEN that afternoon...


Cupcake road with us, and BobDad joyfully got to drive his brand new AUDI on the Autobahn.


I asked LEGS;


ARMS:' Did you ever think in your wildest dreams that you and your father would be driving tandem at a 100 miles per hour on the Autobahn in each of your respectful Audi's?'
LEGS: HUGE CHEESY GRIN....'No...never...'


Isn't it funny when you stop in a moment in your life and you really take it in???  It was at this time that my sweet dreamer of a husband was literally living out a fantasy day dream he had never actually came up with on his own....


I don't know why....its been a really long time....but every time the IN LAWS come to visit I still get nervous.  I am always praying that they will like where we live, that they will accept our lifestyle, and that the modest life we have created will in some way impress them...why I hold on to this fantasy is just beyond me.....but I still do....


After tucking every body in and making a healthy dinner, BobDad asked me if we have a television.  I told him 'No....isn't it peaceful here?'  


My feelings about Television are pretty strong.  


In Alabama and AK, we spent A LOT of money on Television, and most of the time....there wasn't anything on....we spent hours of our time clicking through the million channels trying to find something to watch.  


When we moved here, we debated on getting the AFN channel, which is like the Air Force Network....its American Television but with lots of military information, military related commercials, and of course military specific issues and programs. Which is fine, but there is a lot of complaints about what they actually offer and what they don't.  After months of debate- we decided to skip getting television.  


Our projector sits in a box and our movie screen sits behind the couch still packed up.  


We still watch programs on our laptops and rent movies, we just don't subscribe to or have a "real" television in our house.


First of all, since we eliminated the television in our bedroom, we both get more sleep, we both sleep better, and finally there is more room for our marriage.  We make WHOOPI more often, we chat, cuddle, laugh, star gaze, watch storms, and enjoy un-interrupted marital bliss.....


And since we have eliminated our household television- we spend more time chatting, listening to music, learning, blogging, gardening, surfing the net, enjoying peace and quiet and frankly....productivity.....


There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of how much I DON'T MISS TELEVISION....


But....there are some drawbacks....


Like for instance- we don't always know what is going on in the world, we know about the big stuff, but we don't saturate our lives with the HYSTERIA they have the audacity to call NEWS.....


Every time I am at the gym or Doctor's office and I spend some time watching the news I can see how American's are so stressed out, with high blood pressure, obesity, alcoholism, addiction, etc.,


The news is so incredibly obnoxious they just pick the most shocking thing and hype it up over and over and over again.....and please....let's not even talk about how ridiculous it gets with the natural disasters, they completely freak people out and than the weather changes and its not ever that terrible.....


The other trouble we run into is our complete lack of interest/knowledge of AMERICAN past times, sporting events, shows, commercials, movies etc.,


People will try to communicate via facebook/email/telephone/etc., with us about these things and we really have no knowledge of it.


Sometimes its hard....even if we wanted to watch these things we would have to get up at crazy hours and go to drastic measures to watch the event.


While I feel pretty isolated at times, I do appreciate the opportunity that I have been given to enjoy LIFE at the present moment.  I am not waiting around any more for things to happen, I am in a self projecting state....If I feel like being entertained, I entertain myself.  I have become more active and productive in my daily life......


On facebook, a friend that I have had for a really long time, was trying to chat about football with me.  The summation was basically that my team THE BUFFALO BILLS and my father's team THE RAIDERS, will totally BLOW this year......


I mistakenly replied with sarcasm....stating that the shared knowledge was "uplifting" and that I don't watch sports I do sports these days....


(heavy sigh) Wouldn't you know it.....


Next thing I know I was called a "conceited bitch" and told that I make people feel bad with all my talk of ADVOCARE, how many miles I run/ride, and the types of things that I talk about on facebook.


YIKES.....


My mouth was probably hanging open for a total time of 3 hours.....I was totally shocked....I mean...tell me how you really feel....


And...


The timing could not be more perfect, with my IN LAWS here I couldn't be MORE vulnerable to Self- Esteem, Self- Confidence, and identity issues....


SO there I was....my IN LAWS are here, its one of the few times in my life where I have to be absolutely together and I was just told by someone that I once TRUELY LOVED that I have changed from something good, to something horrible....


It doesn't matter how many years passes, this particular individual still knows how to hurt my feelings, make me feel small, insignificant and like I cannot accomplish anything in the world...My GOD have I tried to be friends with him, I cannot believe I still give him the power to make me feel as if I have nothing to offer the world.....


He deleted me on facebook.  Which I always prefer- because it saves me the trouble.  So all of this is just REHASHED drama but is it fair that he gets the final say?  He always does.....


Perhaps I shouldn't retaliate back, and I suspect that this is a life lesson that I must learn.  But I want to know....


Do you always lay down and take what others have to give out?  Is is best to just "ignore" them?  To tell yourself they are just jealous, or sad, or lonely?  Or...to perhaps entertain what they say- do some self reflection, think about how you sound to others? What is the correct action to take? Stand up for yourself, or just silently accept the verbal beating???


Some clarity (if necessary): I do not talk about how good I feel and how good I look to make ANYBODY feel bad about themselves, ADVOCARE has been a wonderful gift in my life- it just makes me want to share this gift with everybody- I want EVERYBODY to FEEL the way THEY WANT TO FEEL and LOOK THEY WAY THEY WANT to look, I LOVE people and I want EVERYBODY to FEEL AMAZING.....


I started to think pretty hard about how I have sounded....have I been coming on a little too strong? Have I really changed that much?  Have I become what I never wanted?  Do I really just talk about myself?


Yeah.  I have.  I talk about myself a lot.  I guess I am not exactly clear on what facebook is if you aren't updating YOUR STATUS.....I concur that this is narcissistic and that it does present the dilemma of being self-oriented...but that is why I write my blog......


Facebook provides for me a way to communicate.  I am far away from my family- telling them what I am up to, and how things are going in my daily life is my primary objective for using facebook.  I look to facebook to know exactly what is going in their lives as well, I know the tone, the pictures, the vibe, and all the familial drama via facebook, I would never let somebody's opinion of my posts change, or alter that channel of communication with my family, if you don't like it- don't read it.  In addition; talking about my garden, my family, giving inspirational quotes, sharing ADVOCARE, speaking on Military specific issues, my boxing, my travels/adventures, lessons learned, etc., is MY LIFE.  AND MY LIFE IS MY MESSAGE!


And even though I have come to this conclusion- it doesn't necessarily change that I am still reeling from the attacks on my character.  I have a wise friend that sent me an email just days before this happened....telling me that yes while I open myself up I may find more connections, but I may also experience more HATE.  When I first read the email I brushed it off- assuming that no matter what HATE came my way- that I would be able to easily overcome it......


This has not been the case....I have doubted myself, I have been more unsure, timid, and fragile.....the words that were spoken are still haunting me, they still have me wondering- if I am ever going to be ENOUGH.....


ENOUGH for even myself......


Just another day in the life....of an unlikely military wife....**