The HIGHER you are the HARDER you fall...**

HOWDY DOODY, BLOG


NEVER NEVER LAND Weather Conditions: The leaves are starting to fall and suspect FALL is on its way....while I LOVE Fall and I am excited about snow this winter- I am a little sad to see this summer go....I think its because LEGS won't be around for the next one......


I hosted another consecutive STITCH and BITCH the other night.  It makes me feel good to get the GIRLZ together and teach them something new, or to allow them the time necessary to relax and chit chat with the girls....


We had a quieter bunch the other night, mostly because we had a bunch of new girls come, I suspect we may have overwhelmed them with our chatter, but it was fun to meet new girls and hear the stories of where they have been, what they have been through and how they have arrived her in NEVER NEVER LAND.....


While getting the house ready....I realized I have never been so excited about cleaning my house as I was on that day.....And even then, things went wrong.  I broke a shutter in the room used primarily for S & B....and LEGS was gone most of the day helping others even though I needed his help fixing/prepping some things around the house.  


All my stresses were washed away when I got on the scale before I showered and I weighed 135lbs.  I just cannot believe it has been this easy to reach my goal.  


STITCH and BITCH is a great event because its a beautiful mixture of Military Wives, from all different backgrounds, from all different places in the world who are married to men that have all DIFFERENT jobs, all DIFFERENT ranks, its a perfect night of all UNIQUE POWERFUL WOMEN, Stitching and just BEING THERE for each other....I have come to realize that I am so lucky, so very very lucky, I LOVE each and every one of these ladies they all bring a very special thing, trait and color to my life and make it so absolutely complete, and amazing to watch....


Sunday....my Baby Sis called me on Skype and told me that SISSY had fallen on her neck, she couldn't breathe and was on her way to the EMERGENCY ROOM....


Immediately, tears welled up in my eyes, a lump in my throat and panic set in.....but since I was sitting in front of my Baby Sis I had to be strong, hold it in and not make the situation more unsettling then it already was...


I was worried sick, but there was nothing I could do but sit and wait.....it was one of those times in my life when there was nothing I could do, I knew that I had to remain calm, but every inch of my being was freaking out, I  felt very far away, and I tried like hell all day not to cry.....


LEGS was gone that whole afternoon....and I started thinking....this is LIFE, and....WHY am I being SO CAUTIOUS!?!


I was able to let out a huge sigh of relief, when I got a report that she was released, everything is fine, she suffered some severe bruising to her larynx and vocal cords....I love her so much, I would be so distraught if something ever happened to her, or any of my sisters for that matter....


Did I say that LEGS was gone?  Let me tell you a little story....


On Sunday morning...we were sleeping peacefully in our beds and a alarm went off...I woke up and was wondering if I was a little confused on the day, or if I accidentally set my alarm.  LEGS tells me 'I am going on a Bike Ride.'  


At this point I am too docile and sub-conscious to really interpret this fact...I just say 'OH...?' Like I just didn't realize that that is what he was planning on....


He asks me a few minutes later if I want to go....


Usually I would say 'YES!'


But...I was feeling like I just wanted to relax.  I told him 'No...but you go and have fun.'


I know what you are thinking...you are thinking that I am such a cool wife....Ya...I am....


So I send him off with a kiss and tell him to be safe......


3.5 almost 4 hours later he calls me and tells me he is halfway, and that he didn't mean to ride that far.  At this point I am worried sick about my sister, and just want him to come home safe.....So I tell him to be careful on the way back.


When he gets home, its 5pm at night....


And I wasn't even really tripping....he came in telling me he was going to get all the 'BLUE CHORES' I had requested of him done, blah blah blah....


What this means is he is feeling really guilty.....


So I say to him....


'I am really not mad (because I wasn't), I just wish you would have told me what you were up to.'


He replies back with the 'I didn't know we were going to ride that far...' argument.


I say back 'Well....you wonder why all these other wives keep their husbands under lock and key, this might be why....we try to be cool and let you off the leash and than you muck it up by leaving at 10am and returning at 5pm when you know damn well you have things to get done...'


Like I said, I wasn't mad, so the discussion was over...


But something wasn't right....my SPIDEY senses were up....


By the time we made it to be at 11pm that night, I was fed up....


I put a laundry basket on the stairs....it was heavy and big...do you think LEGS could lug it up the stairs for me? 


NO.


So I say....'Man you got to go on your bike ride today, I'm not even sweating you, but you can't take initiative and carry the laundry basket up the stairs?'


He says 'I had other stuff to carry up the stairs...'


I say 'Well....So did I! But I just put that stuff in the basket and then I carried the basket...' (APACHE PILOTS ARE SO SMART)


And this is basically what it boils down to:  He invited me on the ride, but did not advise me that it would be an 80 mile ride- SO- one of two things he was hoping that I wouldn't come, OR he was going to totally shanghai me on prepping for that distance.  The whole "I didn't know" argument is bogus because I saw him writing down directions to the 80 mile destination before he left....and, even though he got out of the other chores he can't take some initiative???  But what I really hate...what I really HATE is the sneaky-ness.  If you want to ride 80 miles just tell me that is what you are up to, instead of being a gun pilot who can't inform me of the plan.....


I told him 'I understand why these other wives are getting a bad rap.  Its because you guys are running around pulling stunts like this all the time....if you want to be treated like an adult, you need to act like an adult- don't make me out to be the bad guy, because you were trying to be sneaky and got caught....'


GOD FORBID I SOUND LIKE MY MOTHER.....


All LEGS could do was shamefully laugh that guilty laugh that BOYZ do when they realize the jig is up.....


And just like that life perspective is tossed out the window and a small thing can throw you into a complete tizzy....


Everybody keeps saying they want socialized medicine.  I often wish I had private health care again....


After visiting the Medical Clinic on base the other day...I seriously almost lit that place on fire, then I tried calming myself down the whole way home, then I got even more furious, then I cried and now I am just furious again....I mean I AM HOT.....


Its always frustrating when you as the patient do all the proactive things that need to be done in order to receive your medical care at a timely and reasonable fashion AND the provider does not.....


I had some labs done.  Bases on the reported return date of those labs I wanted to schedule an appointment.  I was told to call the following work day.  Since I was on base, I went in.  The waiting room was full of people that I know, that my husband works with, and their kids.  After requesting the appointment, I was told it would be three weeks out.  


This is unacceptable to me.


If I have lab work done, I shouldn't have to wait three weeks to find out if I am going to LIVE a life which is reasonable to the average healthy person....


So I requested a nurse talk to me about the labs.


The nurse said that she can't discuss my labs unless the Doctor has already seen and discussed them with the patient.  UMMMMM OKAY?


Then why would you request a discussion in the first place?  If I already knew what my labs said I would never ask to speak to a nurse!?


I felt really bad because in front of all the children I told the front desk employees that this policy was "BULLSHIT."


I then apologized, profusely, took the appointment that is three weeks from now and left.....


After awhile I calmed down....I mean with so much to be thankful for who cares about your own health???....(JK JK JK....) 


I revel in having my house clean, the laundry done and LEGS on a night flight, it means; there are no explosions of disaster all over my house for the time being...and gives me time to enjoy the clean house....


I had a dream that MISS DOT came, this would usually be a total nightmare....but at this juncture in my life it would be a welcomed treat...


MISS DOT is eluding me....


How is it possible that my teenage years were spent just wishing and praying; that I wouldn't have to deal with her, that my Kotex Wings wouldn't let me down in gym class, that she wouldn't spill all over my white pants and require me to get the HORRID LONER CLOTHES out of the nurses office, that my current boyfriend wouldn't be aware of her presence, that nobody would hear the wrappers of her toiletries the next stall over, that I wouldn't suddenly have a bunch of new 'friends' located on my face, and that....she DID NOT...just paint all over the family couch, or start for the first time on a camping trip.....


And now, here I am, just begging, wishing, hoping and praying that she comes back to me soon....


I am armed and ready, emotionally, physically and mentally for all the horrible traits she brings with her, and so desperate that I would leap for joy if any of the embarrassing things that I listed above would once again be part of my monthly life....


Of course this is only to feel....


Just like you do when family visits.....the first couple of day would be fine, but then I would want MISS DOT to go back from wherever she comes from so that I could romanticize her character, yet again...


I need MISS DOT to come,


And then go away again....


For 9 months...


I don't even feel like I could ever find MISS DOT again, I keep hoping that I will feel moody, crave chocolate or feel tired....on my search for her...but nothing....I feel nothing...I am broken...


I spent some time with other people's kids yesterday, watching children figure out who you are, or learn something new, or even challenge their parents is refreshing to me- and their hugs are the best! It really makes you realize what is important, and thankful for what you have....Perspective is an incredible gift....


Lately.....


I have become disenchanted....


Ever since I met LEGS I have been so proud of him.  I have always held my head high, told everybody proudly what he does and that he serves his country.  The day that he graduated from Flight School, MAN I WAS SO PROUD- My Husband worked so hard and now he was an AVIATOR...


It seems as though, every day a little part of me becomes more....


Timid, Ashamed, and Quiet about his EXACT profession....


I have noticed that I don't tell other wives what he does.....


And I don't tell other people in the Military what he does....


Because.....


Frankly.....


Most of the APACHE PILOTS that I know are ASSHOLES....


When we were first new in AVIATION people used to say that APACHE PILOTS were ASSHOLES, but I always thought they were bitter, or jealous....I always thought they were just being negative.....


I am realizing more and more....everybody else may have been right...


Don't confuse what I am saying now....I said the word MOST....that doesn't mean ALL....


I guess I am just finding it fascinating, that such smart MEN, who defy DEATH everyday can walk around treating people the way that they do- you would think that if they are SMART, and they DO IN FACT defy death- they would have a better grasp on LIFE.....NOPE....they don't...


Jus....................


SAYIN'...........


After reading this blog over....I shutter coming up with a conclusion....


BUT if I had to....I would say that LIFE is all about perspective, while I am making forever friends in NEVER NEVER LAND, I am far away from my family, while I am trying to take the next step in my life my body is not cooperating, while LEGS and I have a excellent marriage he still (and I still) TRY to get everything we want always, having children is this incredible but also humbling experience, and while you can obtain a prestigious position, like PILOT, this kind of accomplishment does not mean that your moral character or personality is necessarily pleasant...


But you know what they say.....


They say the HIGHER you are the HARDER you fall....


MY THREE NEW FAVORITE THINGS:


My New PURSE:  (its a vintage bowling bag from ETSY- SO MOD!)

My New BOOK: THANK YOU SISTER NURSE! SIGNED BY MY IDOL!!!**

My New "DO":

Random Thoughts:


LOVE this quote:  'Dreams permit each and every one of us to be quietly and safely INSANE every night of our lives.  -Willaim Dement 


It also has me thinking though, that I may be crazy all day and sleep is when I am actually sane.....its like in my dreams everything makes sense....and most times in life- a lot of it doesn't.....



@#$%%#@! &*&^%$%%^! There is a MILLION reason why I LOVE cycling...but having a broken bike after eating, dressing, planning and prepping for a ride is not one of them...this is why boxing and running will always have my respect and love....*&^%$%#@.....


I am still in shock....looking back reflectively on everything I used to go through to weigh what I weigh today....I just wish I would have known about ADVOCARE sooner....watching LEGS gawk at me this morning while I pranced around in a mid drift baring hoodie, undies and socks, makes it SO WORTH IT....I am convinced I have NEVER looked this good my WHOLE life....**


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife...**