I have been avoiding you....and for that I am sorry.....you have become this thing that I unintentionally avoid because I know that very shortly you will become one of my only sources of comfort....my company....my way of communicating all those crazy thoughts I possess to my TRUE LOVE LEGS.....
And yet here you are....faithfully ready to embrace and comfort me like a mother to a grown child.....
Its complicated....it always is......
Life is moving by so fast and I have so many things to blog about....but every time I sit down long enough to write.....I stop myself for some other momentary distraction.....my blog has become a source of deployment reality that I just don't want to deal with right now.....
A few weeks back LEGS and I had professional pictures taken.....the photo shoot was a memento.....a pre deployment photo session....
One of the pictures taken was terribly sad......specifically the sadness in LEGS' face and eyes.....its was like we were thinking the same thing over and over again in our minds but not saying it out loud..... "THIS....IS....IT....this is all the time we have....."
Driving down the road the other day....I was thinking about this sad picture.......and I started to tear up a little.....I started to think how sad our picture looks.....and then I started to cry.....but only a little.....
I just can't believe that LEGS will be leaving so soon and for so long....But I think that picture illustrates the resignation that its really happening......
I keep telling myself that we have time....but I know the last night will arrive too soon and I will think I kept telling myself we had time....but now we have none.....what will my regrets be? When he leaves what will be the most important things for us to do or finish while he is here....?
So far my automatic reaction has been to DENY.DENY.DENY. DELAY. DELAY. DELAY. and PREOCCUPY, DISTRACT, and PRETEND......that its not real.....
But this past week it has become....CRY.CRY.CRY. GET READY.GET READY.GET READY. REALIZE, COMPREHEND, and ACCEPT....that its real....
As per usual standard operation....we are making our sad and stressful rounds to visit family before his inevitable journey to war....where the fear is very real because so much of our futures will be unknown.....call me dramatic.....but most peoples careers don't extricate them from normal life for one year and put them in extreme danger every day......
We booked the tickets.....and we are making an unplanned trip to see my family in ALASKA for a few days.....
My first initial reaction to the surety of traveling to ALASKA to see my family was one of excitement.....
But then.....we turned out the lights and while LEGS peacefully snored next to me....instead of cherishing one of our few sacred nights together I started to panic......
What if......my family doesn't like me? What if they act crazy and then I act crazy because they are acting crazy? I hate that....what if....I don't like them? What should my priorities be? Should I even have priorities? Its only three days.....I hate packing....and traveling.....I haven't seen them in 18 months.....Will America be too much for me? We don't have television, we have operated primarily in a place where we don't understand most of what people say, and we live in a rural area.....imagine all of these thoughts with obscene fantasies that include unfathomable material from my wild imagination.....
Sometimes....I think I am just being a BIG cry baby....but then something happens......and I know right then....being apart from LEGS will eliminate a great sense of JOY, AMUSEMENT and hilarity from my life:
LEGS. THE WHITTLER.
I do not have to reiterate or illustrate my frustration over the ARMY and the endless SH*T the ARMY requires me to endure in my living space....Most everybody who reads my blog ALREADY knows...what a complete pain in the Beyonce', storing, organizing and just plain tolerating Soldier LEGS and all of his "baggage"......is...
That said....it gets really ramped up around deployment.....in fact my living room has been a pre-deployment STAGING AREA....OFFICIAL for the ARMY had indigestion of the multi-cam variety and barfed all over my living room......for several months now.....
So imagine my......reaction.....
The other day I walked into my entry way and saw two 2x4's leaning against the wall......
I stopped. Looked at them. And then I tried very hard for five minutes to think of the ways in which or the reasons why an APACHE pilot would need 2x4's for his job.....and specifically in my entry way.
After coming up with some half baked reasons.....for the 2x4's in my entry way.....I continued on deciding that its such a busy and stressful time I should just mind my own business and let my man do his job......
Later on that day I came home and walked up to my front porch. On the rug that is placed outside the front door there were WOOD CHIPS.....EVERYWHERE! Immediately I was irritated.....IN MY MIND: AW MAN! That is going to get tracked into and all over my house!.....and stick to my bare feet.....GAWD....son annoying...."
The door bell rings.....I am cooking dinner...the dog is barking her head off....and in the frosted glass of the front door I see LEGS in his uniform....HAPPIEST PART OF MY DAY....LEGS coming home......
I open the door thinking he must have forgot his key. And there he stands.....
In all this 6 foot 2 inch (mostly consisting of LEGS) glory....In his uniform, standing strong with confidence, his heavy, large back pack slung over one shoulder......
A bright shit eaten grin on his face....
Exclaiming:
"LOOK AT MY SWORD!"
Yes.
You heard me right.
He did say SWORD.
LEGS.....is dealing well with the stress of deployment....in his spare time....he WHITTLES.....
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**
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