080512
Day 91
A LETTER
"May the love hidden deep inside my heart find the love waiting in my dreams.....may the laughter that I may find tomorrow wipe away the pain that I find in today......."
I am tired of stretching my foot over to feel the cold empty side of the bed......so.....I sleep in the middle of the bed these days.....its the darkness inside me that consumes all the places you used to be....except the army blouse that still hangs on the back of the chair in the guest room, and the books that you didn't read that sit on the nightstand, my favorite old pictures of you that sit on my vanity in the bathroom, the stack of magazines that rest untouched in your bathroom, all the ingredients of your favorite foods that collect dust in the pantry.....and though....buried deep under the rubble.....in my soul.....you occupy all the spaces of my heart.....
I wish that time would go by faster, days would pass by quicker, moments would be shorter, and soon it would be SPRING.....and then I think....NOT YET.....don't come home YET.....because I have not YET become the WOMAN you DESERVE.....
I worry sometimes that the ravages of war have changed you. That you have forgotten all that is good, pure, and beautiful, in this world. When we speak I feel like the light has left your eyes as well.....this is the cost of freedom I suppose.....but if at all possible- I would like to remind you home!
This is your home.
This is where we live, where you come after you work, where we talk, and laugh, where we look out the windows, have BBQ's, this is where we spend time together....hours and hours on the weekend, this where Karmella barks and insists on being let in and let out of the door.....its built on a foundation of trust, its walls are made of security, its covered by a roof of love....it is our sanctuary....we escape all the realities of life.....in this house.....
This is the gate and it squeaks and creeks when you open it.....when we have visitors they struggle to close it- because its a trick gate......
This is the yard. I spend hours in this yard cutting the grass. You have cut the grass once since we have lived here. This is where I grow our food, pick fruit from the trees and spend countless hours weeding, working, sweating and laboring.....
This is me. I am high up waving with thoughts of you in my head......
This is the sky and the clouds in NEVER NEVER LAND.
This is the valley overlooking where we live coming down the "Marktbergel Hill"........
Lately.......I seem to have been sleeping more soundly.......and its because right before I drift off....I think of you, and I know that the reason I am safe is because you are there, standing ready and vigilant, that you are fighting for and thinking of me, and that you are protecting me....At night is when I think of you most.....I think "SHHHHHHH......Can you hear me....I am with you...."
At night and during the days.....I send little messages of love and devotion to you......in my daydreams they travel with the birds, carried through these trees, over the little red roof tops of Oberdach, up high where the wind blows and the clouds float.....through the suns rays, storms above, all through the starry nights and in the pale moonlight......their final resting place being upon your eyelashes while you sleep.....
This is your dog.....who runs away every time the gate is left open, whose ears directly correlate with her mood, who sleeps under the covers in our bed, and who is very JEALOUS of the two of us together......
We shall see each other in a little over a week.....I am ready for you to lay your burdens upon me- I have been clearing out my mind body and soul to absorb whatever pain, hardships and secrets you will arriving with....
Even with all these tender thoughts and my unwavering faith that you will return home to me.....its still hard, I still have moments of weakness.....we had a internet black out the other night.......
Thankfully nobody had come to knock on my door......but its the moments, hours, seconds and nights like that that kill pieces of me and take away some of the magic of life.....and youth.....
This is a picture of me. I am your wife. 10 years ago I promised to be with you and devote myself to you even though it was sure that you would be leaving to WAR....in all my silly ideas of love, butterflies in my stomach, our crazy wild and youthful playful romance blossomed.....we have had good times, hard times, bad times, happy times and sad times.....but still we live to see more days together....
These days I am full of dichotomies.....strong....but so weak.....a lover....but so angry.....happy.....but so very sad.....full of heart.....and yet so apathetic......I am not the girl you once knew.....or am I? When I see you you can tell me then.......until then I will wait.....I will wait even though I don't hear from you....I will wait even though I am certain you will not be the same when you return.....I will wait even though there are no future promises......
I will wait very hard.......until you come home from work, through the gate, to our house, while Karmella barks, bring with you all those thoughts of devotion and love, that traveled over the tree tops and roof tops, through the storms and clouds, across the starry nights in pale moonlight, and shine them up on me......like the sun.....and it will be a new dawn........
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
A day in the life of an unlikely military wife........**
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