0801012
Day 96
A LETTER:
Look well to this day, for it, and it alone is life. -unknown
I start to feel it.......it starts out small.....tiny.....miniscule........and "it" starts way down low.....at first.... its only a little tickle....like a bug is crawling on my foot so....I shake it off.....Then the bug comes back and bites me....I get annoyed and a little upset...swatting away these feelings....and then the emotions start to build.....And the bite....it festers and itches horribly....usually for weeks......and it makes me so uncomfortable I just have to find a remedy......its at this point where I want so badly to scratch the bite, but I know that I mustn't. I would do anything to SHAKE PEOPLE and SCREAM OBSCENITIES at them...........
I start feeling UNSTABLE around the base.......being around the same people day in and day out, what they post on facebook, what they do at the gym, what they say when they see you, what they buy at the grocery store, at the post office, how they look, what they say, what they complain about, what they wear, its a constant barrage of negativity and snide comments in rapid succession......the inability and limitations of those to realize to have good friends you must also be one.....the lack of ambition or too much of it, the complaints that seem so futile, the competitions with others that are of no value, the unrest and unease that comes with having no control over the current situation, while understandable, is often what brings out the worst part of people.....
Its around this time that you and I usually get out of town......but you are not here.....and the friends I would disappear with are otherwise unavailable......
So I venture out into the world alone.....and while I am out there......
I start feeling UNSTABLE around the base.......being around the same people day in and day out, what they post on facebook, what they do at the gym, what they say when they see you, what they buy at the grocery store, at the post office, how they look, what they say, what they complain about, what they wear, its a constant barrage of negativity and snide comments in rapid succession......the inability and limitations of those to realize to have good friends you must also be one.....the lack of ambition or too much of it, the complaints that seem so futile, the competitions with others that are of no value, the unrest and unease that comes with having no control over the current situation, while understandable, is often what brings out the worst part of people.....
Its around this time that you and I usually get out of town......but you are not here.....and the friends I would disappear with are otherwise unavailable......
So I venture out into the world alone.....and while I am out there......
I suddenly become aware of exactly how many things I am depriving myself.....how much reality that I actually deal with on a daily basis......while I laugh and appreciate the smallest of things, the sun on my face, the trees and beauty, the sound of kids playing and laughing......it kills me when I realize that this is how it is.....for normal people, these are the things that they see and experience everyday, these feelings of joy, carefree.....happy......this is what a normal life looks like and feels like.....
The realization makes me sad......and it makes me jealous and envious and dubious.....these are the moments I want to give up, to throw this life and our love away, to run with normal people, to behave in reckless abandon to escape and never return........
I try so hard to stop myself from these thoughts and daydreams, grasping and clawing desperately to the memories of us....the way your hand feels wrapped around mine, the pillow talk, the secrets, glances, whispers....all those little things that make the big things.....imagine how sad I become when.....I can't seem to remember them, I can't seem to wash away the dust on these memories in order to see them, I can't put the pictures and snapshots into focus.....and so there they lie.....scattered across the floor of my brain, my eyes looking down up on them trying to make sense of myself, trying to keep my compass from going haywire, trying to find the person that I wish to be........trying to fill up the empty and be the wife I am destined to be......
Guilty if I laugh. Guilty if I drink. Guilty if I forget. How do I get through a day? I get up and I go? But where do I go? Most people wake up every day and don't even think about you or what you are doing? They don't think about me and this thing I live that should be a life.....they don't care that you live in a tent, that everything and everywhere you exist is dirty, they don't care that I stay alone, that we are a happily married couple who wishes to start a family but cannot because you are away.......
To top off all this ridiculous melancholy I am sick.....I think its the worst thing to be sick and alone....the monkey and the dog aren't cutting it. I just want you there to put my cold feet on, to make me soup, you to play with my hair and watch movies while I drift off to sleep.....someone who doesn't laugh at the way I blow my nose, or mind that I am a mouth breather......
I become so angry and resentful......and I wonder how many others have given up all the things I have given up- my youth, my job, some of my dreams, is it wrong of me or insensitive of me to point this out? 10 years of serving, sacrificing, always coming in the runner up.....
The realization makes me sad......and it makes me jealous and envious and dubious.....these are the moments I want to give up, to throw this life and our love away, to run with normal people, to behave in reckless abandon to escape and never return........
I try so hard to stop myself from these thoughts and daydreams, grasping and clawing desperately to the memories of us....the way your hand feels wrapped around mine, the pillow talk, the secrets, glances, whispers....all those little things that make the big things.....imagine how sad I become when.....I can't seem to remember them, I can't seem to wash away the dust on these memories in order to see them, I can't put the pictures and snapshots into focus.....and so there they lie.....scattered across the floor of my brain, my eyes looking down up on them trying to make sense of myself, trying to keep my compass from going haywire, trying to find the person that I wish to be........trying to fill up the empty and be the wife I am destined to be......
Guilty if I laugh. Guilty if I drink. Guilty if I forget. How do I get through a day? I get up and I go? But where do I go? Most people wake up every day and don't even think about you or what you are doing? They don't think about me and this thing I live that should be a life.....they don't care that you live in a tent, that everything and everywhere you exist is dirty, they don't care that I stay alone, that we are a happily married couple who wishes to start a family but cannot because you are away.......
To top off all this ridiculous melancholy I am sick.....I think its the worst thing to be sick and alone....the monkey and the dog aren't cutting it. I just want you there to put my cold feet on, to make me soup, you to play with my hair and watch movies while I drift off to sleep.....someone who doesn't laugh at the way I blow my nose, or mind that I am a mouth breather......
I become so angry and resentful......and I wonder how many others have given up all the things I have given up- my youth, my job, some of my dreams, is it wrong of me or insensitive of me to point this out? 10 years of serving, sacrificing, always coming in the runner up.....
You are worth it you are.....but it makes it no less difficult or less upsetting.....
Please forgive me.....I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the imperfections, the weariness whittles me down, and at my most vulnerable states I just fall under the heaviness......
Please forgive me.....I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the imperfections, the weariness whittles me down, and at my most vulnerable states I just fall under the heaviness......
......they say.....time heals all wounds.....but does it.....?
Time for us is always the enemy......wanting to slow it down or hurry it up.....the time between us just crumbles me....
Seven days. Always counting up or counting down......I wonder how many other people survive on countdowns- do others constantly keep a tally of all the hours, minutes, days and months? They say God made the world in Seven days. In seven days the UNIVERSE will finally be balanced.....
The yin will have found its yang, the moon will be reunited with the stars, thunder will be accompanied by lightening, the sun with its rays, we will be together once again......
Together we can take on this cruel world....but separated I feel torn by the buzzards.....
Time for us is always the enemy......wanting to slow it down or hurry it up.....the time between us just crumbles me....
Seven days. Always counting up or counting down......I wonder how many other people survive on countdowns- do others constantly keep a tally of all the hours, minutes, days and months? They say God made the world in Seven days. In seven days the UNIVERSE will finally be balanced.....
The yin will have found its yang, the moon will be reunited with the stars, thunder will be accompanied by lightening, the sun with its rays, we will be together once again......
Together we can take on this cruel world....but separated I feel torn by the buzzards.....
How is it possible to go from feeling so content and burdenless to so melancholy and broken? LEGS hold me....I just need to feel safe and secure.....like I don't always have to guard myself, like I don't always have to be so strong.....am I not allowed to be angry? Am I not allowed to be weak? Am I not allowed to feel restless, resentful and despondent?
Why do we put ourselves through this? Why did we make these choices.....I suppose this is the life I chose....but could I walk away from it? Could I un- choose all these decisions? I fear that I am ripping out your heart as you read these questions.....at the end of these questions my brain answers back that I do indeed have the most beautiful heartbreaking love to show for it......
I can't wait to look up into your eyes....to sleep without fear.....to feel everything I feel and to say every thing I want to say......I cannot wait to be completely bare.....stripped of all the superficial bullshit that is necessary to maintain in this life......I cannot wait to be........just me........
Seven days......
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
Why do we put ourselves through this? Why did we make these choices.....I suppose this is the life I chose....but could I walk away from it? Could I un- choose all these decisions? I fear that I am ripping out your heart as you read these questions.....at the end of these questions my brain answers back that I do indeed have the most beautiful heartbreaking love to show for it......
I can't wait to look up into your eyes....to sleep without fear.....to feel everything I feel and to say every thing I want to say......I cannot wait to be completely bare.....stripped of all the superficial bullshit that is necessary to maintain in this life......I cannot wait to be........just me........
Seven days......
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
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