Dear LEGS: Sentiently among others....**

Dear LEGS
090312
Day 109

A LETTER

I watched you. I watched you  until you were out of sight...oh but my dear you are never out of mind....and I lingered, I lingered to be sure you weren't coming back.....that last picture forever in my mind....you turned, you turned and fully faced me....a chance wave....(and I smile)...and I strain, I strain to make every single detail out.....but the light....the light was shining from behind you...what a vision.....I cannot clearly see your expression.....I threw both of my arms up blowing you kisses.....then you walked behind the partition......how long, how long should I wait?  How long should I stand here.....how long is bordering on desperate.....?

Oh my dear god.....its really over.....the disbelief rises up....the incredulity that I made it through, that I am still breathing....that my heart is still functioning.....looking down at my feet....I can't help the ascent and waves of anguish resulting in the gushing of tears.....all dropping upon my shoes......

Tear, tear, tears are pouring out of my eyes....bewildered, stumbling.....begging my body to take over, to gain some sort of manageable composure....I heave and I fall....and I somehow make it back.....I feel eyes on me......and I think LOOK AWAY....look away because this is sacred....this act of grief should be private not a public display of theater......

I see a woman...she knows what happened, she saw us, she saw the goodbye, and she looks at me, in obvious pain.....I can't bare it, simply cannot bare it....so I look down....I think that I can't handle my pain and her pain too.....I grab the handle of the door.... it feels good in my hand...finally something solid....something to steady me.....I take a deep breath and I climb on inside.....

I climb inside myself.........Its time.  Time. TO. STOP.  Time to just stop. Stop time.  Stop feeling.  Stop crying.......stop going forward, stop feeling,  crying will not save you, it will not bring you back.....and crying.....well you see.....crying will only make me weak, it will only beg of others to pity and to sorrow, and I have pride god dammit......I am not a victim and my tears when they fall will mean the most.......if the others before it are spared only sparingly......

Its not easy for me to witness the world the way it is....to lay eyes on it....and the people in it......when I feel as if I have lived more life than many, many, combined......self-righteous you say? perhaps arrogant? I laugh at you...... No....no.....perceptive, perceptive and always watching....confident, sure of the thing that I see....and studious...always studying the motions, expressions and words that fall out of their mouths...I watch them as I drive home....I watch them when I get home.....I watch and watch.....and I listen.......

Two weeks with you gave me just enough time to heal that horrific wound that opened the day you left....and two days without you....has given everybody around me plenty of time to rip it open again and pour acid into it......and let me tell you...let me tell you that...people lack the character.....and the ability to live vicariously, empathetically and sentiently among others.....

And everybody wants to pick sides and criticize and argue...hollering, and yelling as if to get their point across..but nobody argues about the right things....and there it is.....a friend....a friend that I had forgotten....my faithful, comforting and reliable friend......ANGER.......it embraces me, humors me, anger is my companion.....it burns.....but I like the pain......

When an old man who has lived a long life says to a woman....."I won't argue with a 29 year old about these things......." "These things"....he says......It implies....that the life experiences that woman has had mean nothing.....how could personal involvement, sacrifice, and heart break over the span of 10 years and two different wars mean so little....?

They write movies, plays, televise historical shows, write songs, fly flags and constantly report on the news about "these things"....so if its such a major part of our daily lives and our history- how could her plight be minimized so easily???

He says "don't be so tough..." I laugh on the inside and think old man tough is the only way I know how to be......he says "you could use some humility" and I laugh even harder now......humility.....and I think old man....I am so down to earth....I am so below the surface.....I spend my days covered in ruins and rubble......I spend my days hibernating......my fire has died down so low only embers remain.....and now only the phone calls, only the messages, only the thought of your face blows on them to keep them burning.......

Its one thing to be lonely...but being lonely and alone.....well that....that is the kind of punishment....the kind of torture.....that I fear is worse than any mid-evil brand....that is the worst thing.....that keeps me meek, passive and modest......no old man.....lessons in humility, and lessons in tenderness are not needed here.....

And finally.......when everything gets quiet, when everybody is asleep and its dark outside the windows.........when I have moments to myself, you can finally occupy my thoughts......do you know? Do you know right this second, this very time that I am thinking of you?  Are you looking out....looking up.....is my face the image in your mind?  Its a foolish thought....how could I ever know? These foolish things....these haunting thoughts put me in a uneasy slumber.........

I had a dream.....but it wasn't a dream.....it was a nightmare......I have had many nightmares before....but none like this one......this one left me not with fear.....but with the greenish feeling of being sick.....like horribly sea sick....unable to overcome the feeling of bile rising up in my throat......unable to calm the sickness.....

I was wearing a dress.....the dress I wore at your flight school graduation....it was blowing in the wind....I was walking barefoot on the green green grass.....the sun was shining so bright that everything was blurry....but I had something, something in my hands...it was flowers.....or a flag...I was stepping over these big white stones......and then finally I came to a different stone.....it wasn't white,  but it was bronze.....I bent down and wiped away grass clippings and leaves from the stone......and on this stone it read your name......

GASP......NO NO NO!  I am conscious now.....and angry.....angry that I dreamt such a thing......I have had nightmares before, but before I have never dreamt such things......how could I....how could I dream this?  I am ashamed of myself and I bullshit it away, minimizing and rationalizing...forcing violently this memory, this etching in my mind....but deep deep deep down.....under all the defense mechanisms......I am utterly....utterly unhinged......

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**