090312
Day 105
A MEMOIR:
"These violent delights have violent ends.....And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume....." -Shakespeare
When I saw you again........I couldn't believe it was real. Every time, every single time you walk away from me....I worry.....I worry and I think that I will never see you again. I think that I will never see you again because our days spent, in one another's presence, is surreal. Most of our days together I spend hours thinking.....thinking that I must have created this reality in my imagination.....this love....this kind of love, this kind of beauty doesn't exist in real life.......
I jump. I jump high and I fall, I fall deep, very very deep in love with you every time I see you.....you always keep me falling for you. Your love is relentless.......you haunt me. You consistently and unyieldingly invade my heart, you capture it and force it to beat only for you.....you render my soul and purpose, and my mission in your service, my existence is in the service of worshipping you, your body, your mind, your thoughts, your soul.....and your legacy.....
When I see you my eyes have opened for the first time, when I feel your touch my heart has been uncovered and freed from dust and stone and began to beat again, when you sit next to me my lungs, after a long frantic wait, have started to breath again...slow, steady, and natural...when you leave the sparks from the fire fall into my eyes blinding me, my heart is so empty it has no reason to beat, and my chest is bound, paralyzed, unable to rise and fall.....
Your silence, your quietness, all those wide open spaces.......I want to fill them with myself.....so I profess every single thought in my brain, every single admission of love, infatuation, and commitment.....every straying fantasy, guilty pleasure, wrong or impure way of thinking.....like a devoted catholic to a priest during confession. You take away all my burdens and with it the lines in my forehead. No secrets....have ever existed on my behalf, or ever in the world.....
Next to you I have such a calm heart that if the doctors checked my pulse they would rule me dead......Your presence is as steady as the crickets on summer night, your face boyishly handsome......and you smile, and you ponder, and you hold my hand. You hold my heart and the power. The power of good, and light, and peace.......and you let it out, you let it fall upon me and you keep none for yourself.......
Your hands are soft and sensitive, and secure and strong....when they touch me and I cry.....I cry because I can't believe it.....I can't believe that its true, that its pure....I feel filled up and full...overflowing with a liveliness, a mortality that I thought for sure was gone forevermore. I have a richness and fullness......I am warm with rosie cheeks, teary blue eyes, and a parted mouth as if I have fallen asleep after a good cry, in a chair, in the middle of the afternoon....
Instead of a fire rumbling and roaring with anger inside of my own soul it reaches out through my finger tips, through my lips, and my eyes.......and consumes you......You have mastered the fire inside me allowing it to be alive and productive instead of wild and destructive......
I look up to the sky and breathe deep. I am so thankful to be alive, to be here in this moment....and yet.....my happiness is flawed.....I know that my dear friends cannot feel this peace with me......and I ache for that collective comfort.....
My mind is tranquil enough to remember my dreams in the morning and my heart has a a restored faith.....though my fear of the silent but audible pain will make a return upon your departure.....with you next to me I miss you still.....I can never get enough, like the fire that consumes.....I can never consume all of you that I desire.....the fire burns consumes fire......
LOVE YOU TO INFINITY FOR ETERNITY- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
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