Dear LEGS: DELETED....**

Dear LEGS
093012
Day 146

A LETTER

How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling?

-Claude Debussy

I am having one of those restless nights where I just don't want to lay down with out you.....I spend too many minutes "stalling"......Sometimes.....Its mostly at night....when the stars are out....The whole town is asleep and dark.....Dealing with this gets a little too heavy......usually a cinematic vision gives me this overwhelming, sinking feeling.......I start to get a little unstable and I think of never seeing you again.....I cry....and I usually grab Karmella and we lay together......I pray.......

When we are fighting so hard to get through the days....when we are bargaining with GOD and desperately acting upon the idea that the universe is balanced,  attempting to sway the dealer.....It makes me very furious when people give up.  When they throw away that gift.....the gift of time.....the gift of life......and the gift of knowing somebody else's life....

When I listen really carefully I can hear your heart beat from a million miles away....but I can only imagine....what it would be like to have you here.....to have that comfort, that security.....that peace. Every single day I think about you coming home....Sometimes its during the day......Sometimes its at night.....

I wonder if things will be weird between us...if I will be nervous.....I wonder if you will come back "normal" for the sake of that word.....But the one part of the fantasy that remains the same.....is laying down together for sleep....I dream that we lay down in the dark.....and you say....."lets talk and let our whispers fill all the empty spaces....."

All this has me missing you.....And unfortunately thinking of how alone I feel when your not here.....

I wish more people could understand or know that.....when you left......to me it was like an expedition.  I must survive this whole thing, I must transform myself into a better person, a better woman, a better wife......so that upon your return, on the day that we are reunited, that you are here in the flesh, everything else will be effortless.....we will have won, we will have beat the war, and only we, ONLY US........will understand what that really means.......

I am trying to be more of what I really am......I am trying to figure it all out on my own.....I m trying to require LESS of you, and be strong, and honest, and fair, to be patient and kind, to tear down all the defense mechanisms, put away childishness, to rise up from ground, however painful it might be and learn how to walk, and navigate this world as ME.  Just ME......

I fear I am failing miserably.......I find myself waking up every day with fewer "friends".....modern technology seems to be teaching me that people don't like to be adults......and its giving people the ability to bully, reject, delete, and discard me......and what I stand for so easily.....and I wrestle with it.....I wrestle with the code......the code of conduct......

I am learning more and more every day that it takes all kinds to make a world....though I may not agree with everything people think, or like everything about a person's whole make up, or accept all the aspects of how they choose to live their lives.....I still LIKE them.....I still admire all the colors and eccentricities that make up my daily interactions....

I think back on all the people that have deleted, discarded and disliked me.....the pain of this casual "deletion" is real and it hurts me.  I wonder if they know that.....I wonder if they know that I DID love them....and I am sad that I disappointed them, I am sad that I couldn't love them they way they needed or the way they wanted.....that I couldn't give them everything....every single thing they seek in the world and from me......

I am sad most of all....that they didn't accept me, or at the very least.....tell me why I didn't meet their standards.....now.....I will never know.....and what is worse than not standing up for what YOU believe in?  Not being heard, not being pacified with an apology, or explanation.....nope just DELETE....and that's it....

Its not in my nature to shy away from the possible run in with those that have deleted me.....and I often find myself puzzled with their reactions......Did they think that they would never see me again?  Did they think that just because I have been put on DELETED status that I would die off and cease to live in a world outside of the internet...???  A few months ago a "DELETER" saw me in the bank and smiled and waved at me.....I didn't know what I should do......should I smile back.....but we aren't "friends" any more???

I have told myself all the old proverbs....."you can't please every one".....but.....why not?  "haters are going to hate".....but that isn't good enough for me, "who cares, their loss".......but why do I feel as if I have lost?.....

In this life.....I want every opportunity to see it all, I want to see the way other people live, I want to see how other people parent, teach, befriend, I want to see how they win, how they lose, how they survive, how they thrive, I want to see the good, the bad, the loud, the quiet, I want to see all the moments that I can from all the friends I could possibly ever have.......

Although I may not agree, or like, or feel all the ways that the people in my life think, act, or treat me.....at least.....at the very least.....I will have a very wise, very broad, very diverse picture of the kind of person that I want to be........

Every time I am "DELETED"......I am always surprised and shocked and hurt......I wish that I had the capability to not feeling anything at all and sometimes I wish I was able to discard people.....but.......I guess LIFE in all its pains, hurts, in all its ups and downs, in its bliss, and tranquility- I have not yet mastered the art of being JADED.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.......**