Dear LEGS: I needed Mercy....**

Dear LEGS
091312
Day 120

A LETTER

"The world will give you that once in awhile, a brief time out; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat up life...." -Sue Monk Kidd

Mercy......I was down on my knees begging the UNIVERSE for mercy.......for mercy and for grace.....so that I could see again.....breathe again....so that I could go on living.....again.......when you left.....its like everybody lost....everybody fell apart.....if you ever did wonder....if you have had an influence on the world, or the people that surround you.....YOU absolutely do.......the day after you left something snapped......and an old man.....who admires you very much......lost......completely lost, his will, to live.....

Witnessing this was enough to leave me distraught and devoid...of any emotional, personal, or mental capacities for anything......anything in life.......at all......and what is even worse is seeing my saintly grandmother ask her "friends" for help......and watching every one of them tell her no........and tell me no.....I kept wondering, what it is I needed to do to be more helpless, more defenseless and exposed.....how could we be in a more vulnerable, resourceless, needy situation than......

A man giving up his life to fight in a war that can never be won?  Another man giving up his will to live, and dying?  A old woman, becoming more and more alone, as the days pass in the world, and a young woman, trying to hold it all together, while the whole world is falling apart?  If I ever needed help......if I ever publicly asked for help.....it was then......I swallowed my pride.....settled my independent nature.....and asked......I asked for mercy and for grace.......

I spent three days secretly on the verge of tears and solving, fretting, stressing, dealing......seriously dealing with a plethora of issues.......I was falling apart......and I needed someone.....any one to save me.....to assist me......to lend me a helping hand........I thought of all the times that I had helped others, I thought of all the times I did the right thing, however inconvenient, I thought of all the "friends" that I have.......I felt like I had just walked......walked into the room......shot.....and dying.....and the whole world......walked out......

I had food.  I had rest.  I had all the amenities......but I didn't have a friend.  I didn't have a friend that could help me accomplish what needed to be accomplished.  I was finally able to wrangle, and wrestle that bull......it took me several days and one million catastrophes before I was able to wearily, spiritlessly, provide a solution.....to my immediate problems......but it left me in the worst condition....it left me a victim......

In my mind.....I kept thinking that I was being punished for being a horrible person....that I hadn't given enough, done enough, that I hadn't been sensitive enough, compassionate enough.....to deserve even a FAKE OFFERING of HELP.....I wondered.....where had all the friends that I thought I had helped and been good to....gone?  What is worse.....than being a friendless victim?

And the truth is......the TRUTH is......a FEW people showed up.....right when I was convinced and ready to give up.....right when I was ready to sit stubbornly and discontinue living a productive decent life.......these people.....don't even realize or know......they were MERCY.....they were GRACE.....and they shall remain HEROES in my mind for the rest of my life......their struggle for me put them on a celestial level.....I am FOREVER in their debt.....one that I shall walk barefoot over hot coals.....I shall smile through hell.....and come back again to repay........

And the ones who did not.  The ones who did not help me......

Well.......I shall not accept mediocrity......in any aspects of my life.....including from my "friends"......

I shall not slave, nor weep, nor spend any more of my precious moments saving, assisting, or pretending to be nice to them......

I have continually led a life....where I accommodate and "come through" for people who no matter how desperate my situation......I refuse to tip toe.....I refuse to accept bad behavior, to remain calm, I refuse to be quiet, and to turn away.....I refuse to let fair weather friends get away with mooching off those of us who give ourselves, all of ourselves so selflessly........I won't entertain, I won't converse, I won't ignore, I refuse to play politics any longer........

I have been nice. I have played the game.  I have been everybody's friend.  I shall not be nice for the greater good.  I shall not play any more games.  And I will not befriend any moderate, low quality people with less than average values and performance......

Maybe.....maybe and perhaps seeing somebody give up on life....seeing somebody give their life....maybe seeing people walk out on a life..is part of the journey.....and only those that see it will know the TRUTH.....those that witness these things will see the lies.....detect the phonies.....and refuse to keep company with those fabricated, artificial souls.....

Perhaps before we have and give LIFE, it is in our destiny to see it taken, it is our destiny to see it given, it is our destiny to see life....lived without apostles.....so that we may always recognize and set a standard for the ones.....those outstanding few that run with us.........

Even since I saw it......I have looked at the world with different eyes.....I would not erase it or take it away because its allowed me to move forward with a new lease.....The universe knew that I desperately needed mercy.....and it gave it to me in the form I like best.....people.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**