beloved LEGS....
...the thoughts bouncing around in my head are so big and full and wide and deep I feel like I am going to explode....the time and clarity necessary to sit down and get it all out of me on paper has been completely eliminated and made impossible with my rigorous boxing training and competition schedule and further destroyed by exhaustion....finally.......I have a break to say all the things left unsaid.....all the thoughts left unshared.....finally a secret wish publicly shared in hopes to be understood......and to not feel so......alone in the world.....
.....I miss my family. I miss them so much some times I even miss the most terrible heart breaking moments that we have suffered through, because even then I knew that it was hard for them too and at the very least we shared the sadness and anger and frustration....I miss them so much I actually dream of them and how it used to be...I have all the old feelings and for that short episode in the middle of the night....I am and they are the way things should be......
.......but when I see them nowadays.....I feel like that Tiffany died.....and came back to life as some one else....and no longer understands, knows, is understood or known by them......because I am not me and they are not them......
The estrangement is so strong that I feel like a transient...and just like if a stranger came up to me in the street and tried to hug me, when I try to show my affection and love I am rightfully attacked.....and rejected......
.....I've run away to live this grand life....leaving behind my home, my family, my friends, my work, to be with the man of my dreams...and to live the life of my wildest dreams......and now when I go home.....I don't feel like I am home.....I don't even know where my home is any more.....
Unfortunately.....I am not allowed the luxury with the military lifestyle to always deliver or retrieve information in perfect circumstances, my time is always short and the distance I must cover is always wide......
I do not believe in saying things behind peoples backs that I would not say openly to their faces or giving my thoughts watered down......its an absolute illusion for me to be casual, or take for granted the moments I know for sure we all have......
I think that being a military wife makes me hard and too sharp.....and horribly bold. And perhaps living in a country where the sense of entitlement and constant consumerism is not present, its difficult for me to logically explain or even share my views because my message is only met with resistance and defensiveness.....
Dwelling on this frustration, and attempting to be understood is again rejected because continuing to talk about the hard things, the important things, is no longer comfortable in the company of my family members.....and it frightens me, the automatic, and my complete need to immediately shed tears in these positions......its hard to be so misunderstood by the people you come from...
....this melee amongst myself and my family members leaves me......feeling.....completely and desperately, in a panic over who I am......I feel forgotten, misled, irretrievable.....I feel......gone......and I am left with only disbelief, shock and loss as to how to remedy the injustice I seem to have imposed when I left them.....
....I wonder if there will ever be a day in this life.....when the old life.....and the new me.....and the old me.....will be reunited.......
.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
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