....I realize its not you....**

009114
beloved LEGS....

....being with your family without you is a profound kind of experience.....seeing every expression you have in the face of your parents and siblings is so powerful and extraordinary I feel like I am sitting in your presence for that split second.....and then its gone.....

.....my breath catches, my heart beats, and I almost leap across the distance to kiss and hug them....only to be left in a cloudy sort of despair when I realize its not you....it is actually your Brother....or your Sister....or your Mom....or your Dad....

....the kind of laughter that I enjoy with them is the same exact humor you and I share.....I laugh to the point of tears and belly ache.....only to be left wishing you were there so that we could share the memory and laugh for years over the hysterical episode......

....it aches to be around them because it makes me miss you so much.....laying in your childhood bedroom.....I can feel the traces of you all over the place, and the yearning I have to be next to you again almost breaks me in two....

.....and seeing your face.....in all the childhood and baby pictures.....you honestly haven't changed one bit despite all that you have been through and all that you have seen....your spirit and energy are still like that of yours as a child.....I can only hope you come back again.....the same.....

....it makes me feel so lucky to have found you, you who my soul loves.....so lucky to have held you.....that I will never let you go......its difficult to face this presence and image of you every where I turn, only to look again and discern that your are not in fact there.....I feel like in one moment I am living a reality.....and the next a fantasy......

.....its in these moments that I look away.....because the tears are welling in my eyes.....its in these moments....that I know.....I am more fortunate than any one should ever be......its in these moments that a very real fear sweeps across and through my soul.......

.......its in these moments I am afraid I will wake up from this dream.....to live a nightmare.....

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**