My LIFE....the DICHOTOMY...**

Dear Blog.....


And now...Karmella with the weather: I don't know where my master has taken me, or what's up with this country, but I have been freezing my paws off!


Exchange Rate: $1.43 = 1 Euro (das ist nicht gut)


I know.  I have been bad. Really bad. (hanging my head in shame) But frankly my life has been normal lately....I haven't had much to blog about.  I mean....I could tell you about my marital bliss, but how phony is that?  Like 'Yeah LEGS and I are so happy.....we are so happy, we really are....' It sounds like I am trying to prove something to somebody......


It seems as though...the Universe has been sending me a valuable message lately.....


But the message is painful...and contorted.....and unclear......


It seems the stories of DEATH just keep coming.......


I live with a man that has seen more than enough death in his short life.  He does not believe in GOD or an afterlife.....


Perhaps....I have been able, over the years to keep my innocence, I still believe in a higher power- which I call The Universe, because I just can't chock it up all the crazy coincidences, miracles, and every day beauty to NOTHING....I believe in an after life....because I think every human has a spirit....that goes some where when we die....I don't go to church, and I don't have a book, I just have my life experiences guiding me and the insight to believe in something based on what I see in this crazy, beautiful thing....we call life.....


But...even all these hopeful, nostalgic, beautiful ideas about life have me feeling a little sad about all the DEATH that has surrounded and affected my life PERSONALLY lately.....


I had one of my favorite days of my whole life......I was coming down from that high Saturday afternoon.....I checked in to the world, and started seeing the early reports, from my military friends, that something really bad had happened.......


After looking further in.....I burst into tears.......


Upon reading the news of the CHINOOK that went down in Afghanistan, taking with it 31 Souls.  While any loss of life serving in our military is very hard fro me........


Its incredibly hard for me to accept and realize the severe loss and certainty that my SOUL MATE flies a helicopter.  Its days like these where....everything stops....everything is quiet....and your left with your tears, your anxiety, and your sudden total realization that this is real, this is life, your husband gets in a machine that is always trying to kill him, and he will shortly be flying that complicated machine in hostile territory.....


And you think.....My GOD......this could happen to me.....and you start to play it out in your mind....you look at him across the living room, and think of him with NO LIFE...you wonder...if you will know the moment it happens...will you just sense something is wrong?  Or will you just live, doing all those monotonous chores we call life......you think of getting that knock on the door from casualty affairs, how will you react?  Will it be like in the movies?  Will you hold it together? Or freak out? Will you be angry? Or cry?  How will the first night sleeping alone (like alone alone) feel?  And then the overwhelming decisions you will have to make....snap you into the thoughts of if he happened to another Pilot, and his family and his wife....your friend....what would you say to her?  And how will she deal with it?  By this point....you are crying some more......and you finishing begging the powers that be, to keep your husband safe, and promising to make every day count....


My prayers and thoughts are to those families that have paid so heavily a price upon the alter of freedom......


I spoke to LEGS about this....after I had a day to cry and deal as a wife with this incredible burden that we as military wives carry....


And this is what I came up with.....


One life is all we have and we live it as we believe in living it. -Joan of Arc


While I am utterly devastated and with tears every minute, I believe due to my inside and personal knowledge of this community, that those who die serving their country, believed in and fully comprehended the ultimate sacrifice, I LOVE LEGS and cannot IMAGINE my life without him, but...I admire how unselfish he is, and rejoice that he lives his life with such passion, commitment and selfless generosity.....**


Back to the message, I am not sure what it is, or what it all means....but I have been reminded not to take LEGS' physical presence in my life for granted, to appreciate him, and love him, and support him so that he can come back to be safely.  I am hoping....that some of the other things I see going on in other marriages around me, will taper off, and people will realize Life is SO FRAGILE, things can change in an instant, and you never know until its over, that those were the best days of your life........


One day....not far from now.....your life....and the life of your family....and friends....will flash before....the eyes of those witnesses.....make sure its worth watching.....


I find it so frustrating how paradoxical life can be.......


When everything is going fabulous in other people's lives.....its seems as though every possible demoralizing thing is happening in yours........


Like....when you can't win for losing....can't catch a break....when it rains it pours....murphy's law....ripple affect.....jinxed.... stroke of bad luck....bad ju ju.....bad karma.....life is a b*tch....


Or...when everything is going perfectly in your life.....it seems as though every possible dispiriting thing is happening in other people's lives.....


When your friends SPLIT...


As you know....LEGS and I have been together a decade...married for ALMOST 5.......which means we have seen some things........


One thing we have seen too much of is our friends SPLITTING UP......


And its ALWAYS hard.....when your friends SPLIT.  Its like this; today....you know.....that two people are going to FALL OUT of LOVE, but, there isn't anything you can do, but stand on the sidelines and watch it happen.....its terribly heartbreaking.....and sad.....because......nobody wins......


And its not just them who breaks up either.....


Its you and them as well.....


Because what can you do??? Take Sides???


Yeah......I did that...once....it didn't work out.....


I really liked her, and I thought he was making a mistake.  Things have never been the same between him and I....and I suspect, I changed the friendship between him and LEGS....and for that.....I still hate myself.....


It never works out the way you hope it will or think it should.....


And you always wonder....what happened???


Where did their love go?  Did they lose it?  Or forget it?  They DID love each other....right?


What was going on behind closed doors?  What was the relationship really like?  There are plenty of people around to speculate-


There is always her story......and his story.......and everybody else's ideas....which are usually regurgitated sh*t that is said out of personal opinion, or uttered in anger, or offense.....or sometimes.....blame, guilt, shame.......but always some struggle by everyone involved to pin point...the reason....


Then you think...in your own mind....that it could never happen to you....you and your spouse really love each other, and you get along, and besides...you didn't have any of the problems your friends had...


(BAWHAHAHAHA!  Are you CEREAL? ) 


And that....is the second, you are headed down the same path....marriages are fragile.....hold yourself accountable people....


Now comes the part where you have to watch your friends separate....this life that had been joined, now must be SPLIT up between two people....and its never even, its never fair......


And then.....your friends are left with pieces, parts, half of this and half of that life...so now...you have to watch them put it back together......and create the semblance of a single life.....


And it SEEMS as though....the story is ALWAYS the same....


Suddenly....or even steadily.......


Your friends break down.....and start accepting less...or settling...or even aiming just a little lower, a little more modest, a little more mediocre.....


The second chance.....the second marriage....the second life.....is more...


Moderate in desire......more regular in nature....more common......typical, usual, adequate.....


She....goes on with life....her ideas are now less grand, very little fanfare, she appreciates the smaller things in life.....


And he.....


Well....he goes on and lives some half baked life.....at least for awhile....


But then he marries somebody...(guess those lonely nights finally got old).....but not who anyone would picture...


And then you wonder about that assumption- is it just not the person you were acquainted seeing him with?  And why is it they ARE always so different?  Is it because Men tire of the same old gal day in and day out?  Do they think that by marrying somebody completely different it will change who they themselves are? Are we designed to be with ONLY ONE person for Eternity?  Why is there always something...."OFF" about the next guy...or girl???


And how come I always feel like....it never turns out as well as you hope it will?  Its never as grand, pretty, genuine, and REAL as the first time around?  Why is the SECOND MARRIAGE so DISAPPOINTING??? Even to someone on the sidelines like me?


And lets also debate the military aspect-


Number One- Where is your "HOME?"


So now...that you are having to extricate yourself from a person that you have been in a legal, romantic, mutual and binding commitment with...you have to move as well???


Number Two- Where is your "JOB?"


You know....the one you left to follow the person you love....and who care if it wasn't any more spectacular than HOOTERS....you were getting by weren't ya?


Number Three- Where is your "FRIENDS?"


They are all married to men in your now 'X' significant others company, unit, job, field, etc. etc.


Number Four- Where is your "FAMILY?"


Estranged....you left them years ago....and now you must rekindle and re-establish those relationships that you left behind....for your love.....


After all that....I guess its tough not being jaded...shoot-makes you even jaded to watch.....and also hard to be alone....so I can see and understand how it can all go down the way it does......


And my point...in writing any of this....is to get you thinking....tracking...brainstorming.....about life....and love.....because it has me thinking.....


Thinking that not only do I need to make a plan, and protect myself so that if my marriage ends abruptly I will be.....OKAY.......but I also need to cherish, nurture, and always make my marriage my priority....


I need to make good choices.....


(of course this has been written with the qualifier; I am not speaking about anybody in particular- I have two parents who divorced each other and remarried...and not all situations can be put in my general terms mentioned above...thank you for being mature readers and giving me the benefit of the doubt......)


About the paradox.....


LEGS and I have been doing exceptionally well lately.....like fairy tale good.....how hard it must be for him to go to work in such a anti-marriage climate.....LOVE the fact that he is a man that marches to the beat of his own drum! 




Fitness Status:


Weight 138lbs.
Diet: Disciplined
Workout: Slightly Intense




My heart is beating hard, my stomach is doing flops...but...


Its just ten percent luck
Twenty percent skill
Fifteen percent concentrated power of will
Five percent pleasure
Fifty percent pain
And a hundred percent reason to remember the name......


60 miles...on the bike....let's do this....


And guess what?  Yep- despite all the HATERS, DOUBTERS and SILLY BOYZ that for....even a second....thought I couldn't "KEEP UP"


WOOO!.....WOOOOO!.....HA HA HA! WOOOOOOOO! I DID IT!!!! I RODE 60 MILES AND KEPT UP WITH THE BOYZ!!!! BEST DAY I HAVE HAD IN NEVER NEVER LAND SO FAR! LET'S DO IT AGAIN!  (4OOO CALORIES!)




Beauty is EXUBERANCE. -William Blake


Day 10 of the ADVOCARE CLEANSE and I feel FABULOUS!


I have completed the ADVOCARE CLEANSE- I feel great and hardly miss any of the OLD foods I was dependent on, I sucessfully broke up with cheese/diary- it doesn't deserve me, and I can honestly say- food has much less power over me, LEGS is even planning on doing it, now to PHASE TWO: METABOLIC NUTRITION SYSTEM- while I was the commissary today I was re-motivated to continue my healthy eating! I feel BEAUTIFUL, CONFIDENT and ENERGETIC!!! **


Listen:  I hate diets.  I think they are bullsh*t.  But I believe in the nutrition guidelines and ADVOCARE PROGRAM.  






Random Thoughts:


Just got done looking over the REUNION Page set up on facebook.....yes (smh)...I am THAT old....my 10 year High School Reunion is this year......


I always thought....it would be like Romy and Michele's High School Reunion....I would be proud and happy to show back up to the Old Crowd to PROVE that I became MORE than anybody ever expected....while shamelessly looking down at those that shat on everybody else promising they would go far in life......so far...I don't feel that way- guess that is what happens when you grow up.....


Nonetheless....some random thoughts I did have in my brain.....


I find it hilarious that SO MANY people ARE NOT going to make it....DUH!  Its been 10 years- we all have lives now....SEESH.....


Also....amusing that the ones that are so bummed people aren't going to be make it and have been the first to say they are attending....are not surprisingly still in AK....and from what I can obtain via facebook are just looking to relive their GLORY DAYS....since High School....was the last time they even HAD a GLORY DAY....


I have re-read some of my blogs....I am so embarrassed about the spelling errors....I will try to be better....its just hard!  You were catching my drift though right?


PS- I had pictures...but LEGS has the camera with the memory card- so.....my new blog camera is on its way...I appreciate your patience....


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**