Weather: Its been warm.....I wish SO BADLY it would SNOW......
Exchange Rate: Eine EURO = One Dollar thirty three cents......
Unless you have seen the Movie BRIDESMAIDS- this story won't be that funny.......but IF you have seen it- its hilarious!
(CLEARING OF THE THROAT)
LEGS has been sick....he is always sick during the holidays- its either I don't have him, we are in transition, or when I do "HAVE HIM" he's sick.......
LUCKILY he doesn't do what MOST men I know do....which is to completely shut down and complain and whine......instead he just sits there in all his pathetic glory and makes you feel absolutely HORRIBLE you can't SAVE him from the misery.....
What's worse is this THROAT CLEARING thing he has been doing....all the gross snotty tissues being left all over the house....the other day I had to peel one off the floor and the tissue and snot were like glued to the floor....EEWWWW!
And as usual we have the debate on the temperature of the bed room....I am always cold and he is always hot, when I let him turn the heat down I end up freezing half way through the night or waking up chilled in the morning, or he says he can't breath, tosses and turns, and wakes up sweaty and miserable......
(LEGS IS CLEARING HIS THROAT)
Because I do actually have a soul I told him in his SICK STUPOR that I would "switch sides" of the bed with him so he could crack open the window and get some fresh air- maybe that would help with his cold.....
This ENTIRE topic has me pondering the SIDES OF THE BED topic.....Do other couples have CERTAIN SIDES they sleep on? How do these kind of decisions get made? Do people switch? And why on earth does it matter so much?
The usual way in which our SIDE is determined in who is closest to the door......because you know....if there was a BOOGEY MAN, LEGS would RESCUE ME or DIE in ATTEMPT OF RESCUE....
(LEGS JUST CLEARED HIS THROAT AGAIN)
But that got me thinking......does that also mean his LIFE is more valuable than mine? Obviously not using the story example above but what if there was a fire? He would be closest to the door and I would have to jump out the a second story window.......
After pitching my offer to SWITCH SIDES- he was IMMEDIATELY against that idea.......I took offense- and told him.......
"I've got the FIRST WATCH...." (BRIDESMAID HUMOR HERE)
He again denied my offer......I started to insist and convince him that if the BOOGEY MAN came I was sure that I could handle it......
I watched him walk over and turn the HEAT DOWN....on his way back he said
"Its too HOT in here......You feel that heat come out from my under carriage?" (MORE BRIDESMAID HUMOR HERE....)
Right then he put his LEG up on the wall- which if you know the....the ah....appearance of his LEGS you would laugh hysterically at just that part- and slapped he thigh......(MORE BRIDESMAID HUMOR HERE....)
And in the end I woke up cold, he woke up fine, we stayed on our RESPECTIVE SIDES and WE ALL KNOW......(well anybody who knows LEGS knows) that if the BOOGEY MAN did IN FACT COME.....I would have REGULATED the SITUATION and LEGS would have woken up sleepily afterwards scratching his....er......head wondering what happened while he was sound asleep........and IF THERE WAS A FIRE......I would have woken up at the sound of the fire detector and jumped out the window while LEGS slept peaceable in on his side of the bed.......
Maybe it was his cold or maybe it was.....
the return of the ever reliably present MR. GRINCH..........
(THROAT CLEARED)
also known as LEGS.......
You're a mean one MR. GRINCH, you really are a heel, your as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, MR. GRINCH, you're a bad banana with a....greasy black peel........
We were driving in the car.
I started telling LEGS how I am having this event in a few weeks and would like to serve GIN FIZZES.....and that I ACCIDENTALLY broke my FULL LENGTH MIRROR.... an essential item when you are as FABULOUS AS ME.....(it was a 5 dollar Walmart special and made the move to NEVER NEVER LAND and survived ALMOST one year......)
Which is a VERY LONG WINDED REQUEST (you know me) for a BLENDER and a MIRROR......
Don't you think these two items for a FABULOUS BEAUTIFUL WIFE EXTRAORDINAIRE are.....um SOMEWHAT.......(THROAT CLEARING) VITAL?
Either way.....LEGS agreed to the purchase of these two items but I could tell he didn't want to "SHOP" for them........
By the time the weekend arrived I had realized that it was the first week of December.....and if we were going to get a Christmas tree we had better figure out how and where in NEVER NEVER LAND.....
I did most of the LEG work, I asked around networked, dug up a few ideas, places, and a website. On Friday when LEGS got home I ADORABLY requested that he check out the website where you can cut down your own Christmas tree..........
And let me just say......I pitched buying a fake tree awhile back but....LEGS actually HAD AN OPINION and voted NO on that.....HEY- if he actually gives input we got with what he wants!
I asked him about the website and tree info a few times in cute ways so as not be (THROAT CLEARING NOISE) "naggy." He assured me he would check it out.
On Saturday I rose up early, literally bouncing off the walls and singing Christmas songs (off tune- because I CAN!) I couldn't wait to cut down our Christmas tree! I made LEGS a beautiful breakfast- a well fed man is a happy man- and we called friends that wanted to come and made plans to meet up with them......
I got all dressed for TREE HUNTING and about 10 minutes before we departed LEGS said......
(THROAT CLEARED)
"Babe.....we can't go today because they don't open UNTIL tomorrow...."
In my mind: This was the equivalent of going on a hot air balloon ride and it suddenly bursting into flames......
UMMMMM......OKAY....? But wait....how come we didn't know that BEFORE we made the days plans? Here I was all dressed, hyped, ready to go get our TREE and LEGS was informing me that it wasn't going to happen because the place is CLOSED.....and on top of that we had a whole other family planning and getting excited to go as well......
And frankly....its one of those things that is hard to recover from.
BUT....being the POSITIVE UPLIFTING person I am....I tried...I really did....
I told myself that we could still get the blender, the mirror and some Christmas Lights.
Maybe it was stress from work, or maybe my demands were too high.....
You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch, You're the king of sinful sots, your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, MR. GRINCH, You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!
On the way to get the blender and the mirror, I mentioned Christmas lights........
And I can't seem to recall the exact words, or sentence, or phrase, maybe it was just a vibe.......that I was picking up from LEGS.......
But.....(SOUND OF THROAT CLEARING)
By the time we left OBI (EUROPEAN HOME DEPOT) I was in a swampy pit filled with quick sand like bitterness and anti HOLIDAY sentiment.......
On the car ride home I burst into tears....and in a soppy, tearful, snotty mess explained myself......
"LEGS! WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?!? WE HAVEN'T HAD A TREE IN TWO YEARS BECAUSE YOU DRAG ME ALL OVER THIS PLANET- NEXT CHRISTMAS YOU WON'T BE HERE AND THE FOLLOWING CHRISTMAS WE WILL BE MOVING AGAIN, THIS IS THE SECOND YEAR I AM AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND I JUST WANT THIS CHRISTMAS TO BE SPECIAL- SPENDING CHRISTMAS IN GERMANY IS A LIFE LONG DREAM OF MINE AND YOU ARE RUINING IT!"
(Be sure to add in INAPPROPRIATE and NUISANCE-LIKE THROAT CLEARING)
You know those moments where you feel stupid for falling apart but much to your dismay it actually works?
TO BE CONTINUED.........
(INSERT THROAT CLEARING)
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......(LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT)**
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