.....your life's value....**

121514
beloved LEGS....

.....you have a mustache.....you look like a completely different man.....your hand around my hand, the way you hold me, the way you look at me, the way you speak to me.....the look in your eye....everything is different....I stand back to take you in.....and I am sure, that even your soul is different.....

....but despite my trepidation of the man that stands before me, I am drawn in.....hypnotized.....I cannot stand even the slightest distance between us.....its impossible, ridiculous, irrational, but I want you physically touching me every second of every minute.....

....for the last several years, every single day has been about control.  Every single day has been about training, diet, scales, weight, and performance.  Boxing gave me control over my life when I didn't have control over my life.  Even though I couldn't control when you called, when you were home, when you had to leave, when you came back, I could control how much I trained, I could control what was on my plate, I could control my schedule, my performance if I trained right, dieted right, if I weighed the right amount.

.....and now....I just wanted to let go.....I wanted to go crazy, to lose control, I wanted to follow this strange man any where he wanted to go.....and so I did......

.....The first ten days a soldier is home, they have to attend "Re-integration."  Its almost as if you die and come back to life.  They have to re-join the real world doing things like reorganizing their existence including, medical, transportation, communication, living arrangement, and the way in which they are paid.

I was sitting next to you in one of these classes when you raised your hand and asked a question regarding compensation for taking enemy fire.  My mouth went dry and I look at you in shock.  Yes the man was sitting next to me in perfect health in perfect condition, but the idea that you were ever in harms way, the idea that any person would try to harm you......shocked me and hurt me severely.  Even more hard to swallow was the way in which you and these other men are "compensated" for these grave near misses......

.....I look around the room......all different kinds of men from all different types of places.....all in danger.....all filling out forms to determine how much money they are worth to our country......

......I can tell you.....while the sound of pens scribbling down on paper, the confusion of these government forms, questions in all directions for all scenarios.....I felt....devastated.....that these lives could even be measured like this......I wanted to cry....and to throw up......but I just looked at you.....because the only thing that soothes me.....is remembering how lucky I am you are back safely....

.....it got me thinking.....and made me quietly enraged.....that's how "they" get away with it.....they make us so thankful and feel so lucky you made it back that we don't even care what actually happened.....or how your lives are "calculated".......

......if I was to put a price or a number or a value on your life.....on what you mean to me......and honestly what your being means to the world.....it would be impossible....but if I was ever hard pressed......you are worth every ray of sunshine, every single star in the sky, the power of the moon....and me....whatever I would be worth to the world.....

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

Survivng the feat....**

121311
beloved LEGS

....an aviators wife knows that the weather actually controls her entire life.....its been very, very foggy in NEVER NEVER LAND, and as people have complained about it I have smiled quietly to myself because its one of my favorite things about winters here......with exception of today...........your flight to NEVER NEVER LAND has been canceled due to FOG in Romania.

and the only thing I can do is laugh because.....its clear as a bell in NEVER NEVER LAND......so....its one more day.....one more day apart......

....I know it sounds weird but I savior it and hate it all at the same time.  I enjoy the peace, the laziness and endless free time, I finished knitting you a pair of socks.  At the same time, I can hardly wait for the rush, the adventure, and the chaos of your return....

....and then it comes.  The day comes.  But its bittersweet.  Not every soldier from your group is coming home.  A small handful are staying behind, and you were one of the lucky ones that gets to come home in time for Christmas.

The fear I have of this moment, of you, of the return, and all that comes with it is so terrifying- I actually turn to one of the wives whose husband will not be returning and ask her out loud...."Am I going to be okay?"  Its that paralyzing fear that you feel before you take a leap, before you step in the ring, before you take a big chance.....before you do something you have never done before.....

....I spent hours becoming more beautiful than I could ever imagine being and now I sit in the same hanger I watched you leave in 6 months ago.....you will be coming in at any moment.....and then you do.....except I can't tell which soldier is you.....I try to pick you out in the group....I search with great determination to find your face so that I can tell from which direction you will be coming....to no avail....and then like a cue ball hitting the group on a pool table you guys scatter....

....I walk a few steps but then I freeze because I see you, a woman walking in front of you momentarily disrupts your path and I see you shuffle her along.....our eyes lock...and I jump.....

....I leap for love, for victory, in blind faith, of the future, in your arms all the fear, all the anxiety, the weight, the stress, the torment.....it just disappears......everything that has ever happened or will ever happen doesn't matter.......any more.....in fact.....I can't even remember anything....because....we are new.....you didn't come back......I just waited until we met again......

....like infinity.....it never ends, but some points go further apart......until they intersect again.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

.....havoc.....**

112814
beloved LEGS

....I have been picking at this blog for weeks, attempting in vain to capture all the feelings I am having about every thing........it seems....I have an extreme amount to be happy about.....and a little to be extremely sad about.....

.....finally....after many, many, months, living separately, being in different counties, at different times, in different places, doing many different things, we will be together- again- in a matter of days.....even writing this makes me feel like a scared crazy person......

..I wish I could describe the constant ebb and flow of polarizing emotions I seem to experience within an hour.....some hours... I am so thrilled and excited I can hardly keep the shit eaten grin off my face, I can't stop fidgeting or hold still or concentrate I just vibrate and bounce all over the place.......

....other times I feel so terrified and nervous I can hardly leave the house without a big pep talk, I fear that if I say that you are coming home too many times to too many people it will somehow alter the entire UNIVERSE and for some reason.....our reunion will be ruined...I fear something happening to me or to you.....abnormal paranoia of the worst case scenarios.....

.....in between the hours of compulsive excitement and schizophrenic paranoia I worry and stress over the adjustment of living with another person, about living with you, because I know that.....we are both different than we were, what we have done, what we have seen, what we have learned, how we have grown, how the circumstances of our lives have some how diminished us.....

.......I obsess over every single detail, I imagine and re-imagine what its all going to be like....and I wonder sometimes if you will still even like me.....if it will be different or the same as the other times.....I mull over and over in my head, what you will look like in real life, how it will feel, if I have changed, if you have changed......

......I promise myself that I will make every single daydream I had while you were away come true and at the same time I tell myself to remember we both need to breathe......

....when I have been able to come outside my head, away from the vibrating excitement, out of the house and the paranoia, when I am momentarily distracted from my day dreams of our reunion.........I have looked around and seen a very tragic film playing instead of the characters in my life.....and its been in all directions......some crashes I could see coming months ago and others were blind siding....things that leave me more sad and woeful then a Shakespeare play.....

.......even worse is.......not every husband is coming home.......

.....I have been that girl.  The one watching all the others reunited with their husbands while I sat and waited my turn.....and even though- I always shed a few tears when I see the pictures and get goose bumps when I read about the details.....there is always a twinge in my heart, because I wish it was me......so, although I am very happy, there will always be a catch in my breath......an unfair pleasure, an undeserved relief.....

.......through out the course of my day and the course of my night....I swear my life takes turns between genre's.......and the extremes wreak havoc on me.....my ability to sleep and eat normally have completed disintegrated.....you said you are feeling sick....we are both arriving to our romantic reunion in shambles......

....its almost like a wedding day.....but more like an arranged marriage.....

....a photographer has asked to follow me through out the day of your homecoming, there is an "outfit" instead of a dress, shoe options- weather dependent, will there be a KISS?.....will it be weird?, of course it will.....what will we say to each other?......this still evades me......cooking, cleaning, decorating, ......obsessing, over thinking, preparing......

....What are you doing over the weekend?

Oh nothing, just going to pick up a man I haven't seen in 7 months,  (insert SMILE)  he is my soul mate (insert another SMILE) , I have to meet him and fall in love with him again......(insert LAUGH)

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

...in this legend.....**

110814
beloved LEGS...

 ...over night it turned from a beautifully mild fall to a blustery winter......and with it....I settled into a deeply and violently offensive acridness.........my face is gloomy and gray, my lips sit comfortably in a pout, to smile or laugh leaves me........exhausted........I feel sleepy but I just keep blaming the weather.....I want to throw and break things just explode and scream and yell.....I want to climb in the ring and fight my opponent.....

....I watch from the window as the trees are thrown this way and that....its almost as if they are in disbelief.....that nature can be so wild with rage.....and while the rain pelts the window, I think- thank god even the universe gets angry.....even the universe throws tantrums.....there's hope for me still.....

....I want to call you and tell you to stop appearing in my dreams night after night.......because I wish I woke happier, but in the twilight of the morning just before I come out of subconscious.....I breathe you in and say goodbye......

....a few mornings ago I woke up remembering that I had a dream you and I were gossiping in the kitchen.....it was so casual and completely normal....there it is....a snapshot in the life of an unlikely military wife.....the sexiest dreams I have are you and I talking in the kitchen....and the deleterious are the dreams in which.....even though its you I have no idea who you are.....

.......some of my old deployment habits have taken completely over....music is played in the house non-stop so I don't feel so alone, a small wish that it will fill the emptiness.....the hole inside my soul.....I have even started falling asleep to audiobooks or movies because sleeping alone makes me feel......terribly depressed......and sometimes afraid....Karmella stirs or I think I hear something.....I close my eyes and hide under the blankets and pray that it is nothing.....

.....fantasizing about you......about you coming home, about hugging you and seeing your face for the first time, about sleeping next to you....kissing you....you kissing and touching me....are what get me through the days.....but these daydreams also creep into the small part of me, the humanness......the crack of a smile or a tear in the corner of my eye.....the visions of these small but incredibly meaningful moments.....spring from my eyes in tears and make my heart cry out for you.......they leave me a desperate desire and powerful longing.......

......I have started to prepare for your homecoming, I tell myself if everything is ready maybe the days will pass faster and you and I will finally be together again.......in every instance of my daily routine I mark my secret single behaviors, I have been cooking more, tending to things I have long abandoned......

.....and suddenly, though I realize it sounds strange.....I am rediscovering myself as a woman....the curve of my hip, the romance in my eyes, the softness of my lips and the words I long to say to you......I forgot about her.....as a coping mechanism....I became asexual.....

.....she is almost more than I can handle.....a jubilant old fashioned woman, a helpless hopeless romantic, that sincerely believes.....in fairy tale beginnings and happy endings.....she believes that a Knight in shining armor is coming to rescue her....that though she does not know this man, he will be perfect in all ways.....and though he know her not.......will fall in love with her all over again.....

.....in this legend......she rescues him back.....**

.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....everything...and so much of it.....**

101914
beloved LEGS...

.....I have everything....and so much of it....

.....I slept in this morning.  I woke up when the sun peeked through the shutters.  I laid in bed for entirely too long,  surfing the internet.  I spent several minutes cuddling with Karmella, telling her how much I love her, she was in that cute mood that I love.   I put on some music, made the bed.  I went down to the kitchen and made breakfast in my underwear.  I baked.  I baked some sweets for you.

And then, I made the decision, to lounge the rest of the day.  I snuggled back into bed, worked on a knitting project while watching my favorite show.  Later, I plan on taking a hot bath. 

No two days are exactly the same.....I enjoy a variety of places, people, errands, chores, routines.....I rise and tuck into bed according to my needs, I am my own business, I am my own trademark.......

I have everything, and so much of it......

People keep asking me what is wrong, or if I am okay, the question has become so common I feel like screaming.  

I sent you a message....reaching out.....because after being asked more than one day in a row....I figured I am holding some kind of stress.....a wrinkle in my forehead, a fall in my smile, a sadness in my eyes, that despite my attempt to be aware of it.....escapes me....

"I've been sad and angry all day....and yesterday, because I just fucking miss you. I really miss you. I hate you for making me so miserable and dependent....because I love you....that is all...."

It wasn't exactly poetic or pretty but I think my point was delivered clearly.  

And you wrote me back...typical Christopher swagger.....a few words that drive a rippling impact straight to my heart....as I begin to read them....tears immediately rise in my eyes.....and yet I come back to them over and over to remind myself its not only a dream.....its real.....what we have is real.....

 'I love you too......I promise to love you twice as hard when i get home that is all'

I have EVERYTHING........... and so much of it........

I have  complete and total freedom, the time, and the means, to pursue my passions, I have an attractive, heroic, hard working, incredible man who gives me the kind of love that people only think exists in only fairy tales, I am a kept woman......my hair, my body, my clothes, the car I drive,  the house I live in,  the nutrients, the warmth, and bountiful basic needs.....

It true..........I have everything and so much of it.....

....almost every day I wake up with gratitude, I look at my life in awe and cannot believe how lucky I am,  in order to maintain balance and give back to the universe I try to always be a good person, to love, to help, to write, to make myself invaluable to you and to the world.....

.....I have everything......and so much of it......but it means nothing.............all of it is valueless......I am not worthy.......

.....YOU are what gives it all value......and without you its all worthless.......including myself.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....a piece of glass....**

101414
beloved LEGS...

.....I started feeling it a few days ago.....that little hint of weakness, more tired than I should be.....a barely there sore throat and trace of sinus congestion.....but I told myself if I got enough rest and vitamins I would start feeling better......besides....I had a fight on Saturday....it was no time to allow myself to be sick.....

.....despite Beet Juice, Ginger, Garlic, Vitamins, Hot Tea, and plenty of rest, I knew that I had definitely caught the crud Saturday.  I willed myself to be healthy for another couple of hours and promised my body if it would just hold on, I would allow it to be sick after the fight.....

.....sure enough...after the fight coming down from the adrenaline high I could feel the achy exhaustion of a cold taking over......

.....being completely ALONE. IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. and SICK. just SUCKS.  BIG time.  I did pretty well Sunday but yesterday......I woke up after sleeping as long as I could and I just felt terrible.  I had taken some cold medicine in desperation the night before....shouldn't have done that.....I felt loopy, sick and nauseous.....

....I attempted to choke down some food, caught a chill, took a hot shower, and then crawled back into bed.  I wanted to write, to read, to knit, to watch a movie or a show, or at least escape the misery by sleeping.....but I couldn't do anything except lay there.....

.....Karmella was with me.......but the entire house was silent with the exception of the little clock ticking in the hallway.....as the tick bounced off the walls and the sound of my labored mouth breathing filled the emptiness....I felt incredibly, terribly, impossibly, lonely.....I just laid there.....trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself.....trying not to cry....or to give up.....

.....you called....I am glad that you called.....I have been feeling so lonely and pathetic lately, not just because I am sick, but in general.  You made me laugh, a deep belly, fully body, joyful laugh, which caused me to burst into tears at the same time......

....this curious mixture of emotions makes me realize I am probably closer to a nervous breakdown or some other form of extreme emotional outburst....a car window, or pyrex dish....I am not supposed to break...but its possible and when I do it will be in a million, shattered, little pieces......and whats worse....is....

Our conversations travel back and forth between light and laughing to tense and angry.....its a mature kind of anger.....an acceptance that nothing can be said or done to change the circumstance....but I still find myself perturbed.....and unable to let go of the things that frustrate me....

As I stood in the kitchen alone this morning making breakfast and wishing with my whole heart you were here so I could make you breakfast I started to think.....that.....

I accept so many frustrating things about our lives.....not knowing where we will live, when we will move, being alone much of the time, making terribly difficult decisions like whether or not to visit my family, whether or not what I do or how I am will affect you while you are deployed, giving up, stopping, starting, changing, accepting on the drop of a hat.....and lately the hardest task has been holding hope despite every sign around the world telling me to lose it.....

.....and yet.....you minimize it. 

I suspect its because you see the gains that I have obtained due to our lifestyle far outweighing the losses....in which case I would agree with you......and also you see your plight as equally or more challenging....and I would also agree with you.....

.....But I acknowledge that.  I constantly acknowledge how difficult it must be for you.  HELL! the whole damn world acknowledges your situation.  I thank you and praise you for all that you have given me.....because you have TRULY given me THE WORLD....and there is nothing more I could WANT.....

But you know.....just once I would like if you could acknowledge that these kind of losses, though the gains are insurmountably incomparable, and the horribly difficult decisions that I must make are not easy on me......and furthermore.....just once I would like you to consider or think of times where I have asked you to do the same for me.......perhaps there was a time or two, but we are reaching a point where the depth and number no longer hold......

Its not about winning or losing....or even proving a point....I am just simply asking for a nod of your head, a tip of your hat, a small form of understanding......and maybe if your feeling compassionate enough a little emotional generosity in my direction.....

....conceivably this deployment is just getting to me, and my frustrations are as a result of being both sick and tired of the whole damn thing.....if my dissension with you is completely groundless then its obvious I really am a piece of glass on the verge of shattering.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....thank you.....**

100814
beloved LEGS....

....I kissed Karmella yesterday. 

More than once. 

Because after the first time I realized something.  Its been a long time since I have done that.  Puckered my lips and given a kiss.  It felt stiff and unfamiliar.....

Since then I have been kissing her more than she probably likes.  Just because.....I don't want to forget what it feels like to kiss......I don't want to forget what it feels like to give love......in the form of a kiss.......

....Summer is gone.....the leaves have started changing and falling off the trees, its been colder and darker.....the perfect weather for cuddling....I have felt myself become a little more melancholy and I am fighting the urge to be lazier......

But....yesterday was a very nice sunny day....I opened the windows in the house to let the warm but crisp air circulate and as usual in NEVER NEVER LAND, black flies infiltrated.....I was this close to yelling out "FLY SLAYER I need you!"  I miss the way you rescue me.  Instead of being rescued, I just sucked them up in the vacuum cleaner.

....I want to thank you for something.  I want to thank you for loving me.  

Okay stop it- I know you are probably rolling your eyes or sighing with the thought in your mind- that it ain't no thing......but it is.  Its something really, really big, and possibly, in my eyes- one of your greatest achievements. 

I saw something yesterday.  

I wanted to thank you for never with your actions, your words, or your behavior, cheapening your love for me. 

....you have never (that I know of) spoken words so harshly against my character that people would second guess me, you have never admitted any kind of infidelity, emotional, physical or otherwise, you have never acted in any way to make others question your devotion and commitment to me.....at this point I probably owe you an apology because....I may be only slightly guilty of these things....

.....your the better man, the better half, LEGS.....I have never suffered a look of pity, a heartache, a smirk, a rumor, a question,  a whisper behind my back....and because of that your words mean everything they are supposed to mean.....because you are a man of honor, of truth.  When you say you love me, it can't be shook, guessed, questioned, or even answered.

I aspire to be the kind of woman who deserves that kind of man.  I aspire to be the kind of person you are, because when you say you love me, people stop dead in their tracks, they hold their breath, they look in awe of you, because they know deep down in their soul, wide across this Universe, and into whatever awaits us after this life......you mean it.

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**