....a piece of glass....**

101414
beloved LEGS...

.....I started feeling it a few days ago.....that little hint of weakness, more tired than I should be.....a barely there sore throat and trace of sinus congestion.....but I told myself if I got enough rest and vitamins I would start feeling better......besides....I had a fight on Saturday....it was no time to allow myself to be sick.....

.....despite Beet Juice, Ginger, Garlic, Vitamins, Hot Tea, and plenty of rest, I knew that I had definitely caught the crud Saturday.  I willed myself to be healthy for another couple of hours and promised my body if it would just hold on, I would allow it to be sick after the fight.....

.....sure enough...after the fight coming down from the adrenaline high I could feel the achy exhaustion of a cold taking over......

.....being completely ALONE. IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. and SICK. just SUCKS.  BIG time.  I did pretty well Sunday but yesterday......I woke up after sleeping as long as I could and I just felt terrible.  I had taken some cold medicine in desperation the night before....shouldn't have done that.....I felt loopy, sick and nauseous.....

....I attempted to choke down some food, caught a chill, took a hot shower, and then crawled back into bed.  I wanted to write, to read, to knit, to watch a movie or a show, or at least escape the misery by sleeping.....but I couldn't do anything except lay there.....

.....Karmella was with me.......but the entire house was silent with the exception of the little clock ticking in the hallway.....as the tick bounced off the walls and the sound of my labored mouth breathing filled the emptiness....I felt incredibly, terribly, impossibly, lonely.....I just laid there.....trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself.....trying not to cry....or to give up.....

.....you called....I am glad that you called.....I have been feeling so lonely and pathetic lately, not just because I am sick, but in general.  You made me laugh, a deep belly, fully body, joyful laugh, which caused me to burst into tears at the same time......

....this curious mixture of emotions makes me realize I am probably closer to a nervous breakdown or some other form of extreme emotional outburst....a car window, or pyrex dish....I am not supposed to break...but its possible and when I do it will be in a million, shattered, little pieces......and whats worse....is....

Our conversations travel back and forth between light and laughing to tense and angry.....its a mature kind of anger.....an acceptance that nothing can be said or done to change the circumstance....but I still find myself perturbed.....and unable to let go of the things that frustrate me....

As I stood in the kitchen alone this morning making breakfast and wishing with my whole heart you were here so I could make you breakfast I started to think.....that.....

I accept so many frustrating things about our lives.....not knowing where we will live, when we will move, being alone much of the time, making terribly difficult decisions like whether or not to visit my family, whether or not what I do or how I am will affect you while you are deployed, giving up, stopping, starting, changing, accepting on the drop of a hat.....and lately the hardest task has been holding hope despite every sign around the world telling me to lose it.....

.....and yet.....you minimize it. 

I suspect its because you see the gains that I have obtained due to our lifestyle far outweighing the losses....in which case I would agree with you......and also you see your plight as equally or more challenging....and I would also agree with you.....

.....But I acknowledge that.  I constantly acknowledge how difficult it must be for you.  HELL! the whole damn world acknowledges your situation.  I thank you and praise you for all that you have given me.....because you have TRULY given me THE WORLD....and there is nothing more I could WANT.....

But you know.....just once I would like if you could acknowledge that these kind of losses, though the gains are insurmountably incomparable, and the horribly difficult decisions that I must make are not easy on me......and furthermore.....just once I would like you to consider or think of times where I have asked you to do the same for me.......perhaps there was a time or two, but we are reaching a point where the depth and number no longer hold......

Its not about winning or losing....or even proving a point....I am just simply asking for a nod of your head, a tip of your hat, a small form of understanding......and maybe if your feeling compassionate enough a little emotional generosity in my direction.....

....conceivably this deployment is just getting to me, and my frustrations are as a result of being both sick and tired of the whole damn thing.....if my dissension with you is completely groundless then its obvious I really am a piece of glass on the verge of shattering.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**