.....blue eyes.....**

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beloved LEGS...

....20 hours.  And if you thought that I haven't counted every millisecond, second, minute and hour your wrong.  20 hours and I am trying not to panic.....I keep telling myself in the old days when you were a Marine it was weeks before I heard from you.....but that time almost finished me.......and to my defense....I loved you just the same but I had not become so invested.....so dependent.....so completely consumed by you.....damn you....damn you for making me weak......

.....every time Karmella barks, or I hear a car, or I get ready to roll into the drive way...the hair on my neck stands up, I feel physically sick...sweaty palms, dry mouth and a churning in my gut.....its actually a lot like how I feel before a fight.....

.....I'm still wearing the smile you gave me from our last conversation....the "Chris Coussens Special"...a smile from the inside out....a shit eaten grin, head tilted eyes off in another world, chin ridiculously proud.....

....you made me feel like a teenage girl....bursting with gaiety, red with demure, slinking back coyly.....our cheeky and playful phone conversations have me over the moon for you....but I like how.....we both have no desire to cheapen the love and the intimacy between us....we play until we get close to the edge, then we laugh.....

....it makes me feel like a kid again....it makes me feel secure....that you value me enough, that you treasure me enough to treat me like a lady....to keep those delicate moments pure....in the sense that they will only be properly expressed.....rightly executed.....and genuine when they are in person....

....and still.....I think of you.....I fantasize about you and about us.....I think all these things....but I am wise enough to know they never actually go as I picture in my mind.....which makes me smile again and wonder what it will be like.....

.....its strange really......every time your away there is something that always plagues me...a persistent yearning for some small detail that I just wish for so badly....always something new.....always something different......I don't know why exactly, but this time......I miss looking into your extraordinary blue eyes......I miss it so much....that I am afraid that when you come home- I might never look away......and I'll be so captivated....you will never want to close them......

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**