Dear LEGS
090312
Day 109
A LETTER
I watched you. I watched you until you were out of sight...oh but my dear you are never out of mind....and I lingered, I lingered to be sure you weren't coming back.....that last picture forever in my mind....you turned, you turned and fully faced me....a chance wave....(and I smile)...and I strain, I strain to make every single detail out.....but the light....the light was shining from behind you...what a vision.....I cannot clearly see your expression.....I threw both of my arms up blowing you kisses.....then you walked behind the partition......how long, how long should I wait? How long should I stand here.....how long is bordering on desperate.....?
Oh my dear god.....its really over.....the disbelief rises up....the incredulity that I made it through, that I am still breathing....that my heart is still functioning.....looking down at my feet....I can't help the ascent and waves of anguish resulting in the gushing of tears.....all dropping upon my shoes......
Tear, tear, tears are pouring out of my eyes....bewildered, stumbling.....begging my body to take over, to gain some sort of manageable composure....I heave and I fall....and I somehow make it back.....I feel eyes on me......and I think LOOK AWAY....look away because this is sacred....this act of grief should be private not a public display of theater......
I see a woman...she knows what happened, she saw us, she saw the goodbye, and she looks at me, in obvious pain.....I can't bare it, simply cannot bare it....so I look down....I think that I can't handle my pain and her pain too.....I grab the handle of the door.... it feels good in my hand...finally something solid....something to steady me.....I take a deep breath and I climb on inside.....
I climb inside myself.........Its time. Time. TO. STOP. Time to just stop. Stop time. Stop feeling. Stop crying.......stop going forward, stop feeling, crying will not save you, it will not bring you back.....and crying.....well you see.....crying will only make me weak, it will only beg of others to pity and to sorrow, and I have pride god dammit......I am not a victim and my tears when they fall will mean the most.......if the others before it are spared only sparingly......
Its not easy for me to witness the world the way it is....to lay eyes on it....and the people in it......when I feel as if I have lived more life than many, many, combined......self-righteous you say? perhaps arrogant? I laugh at you...... No....no.....perceptive, perceptive and always watching....confident, sure of the thing that I see....and studious...always studying the motions, expressions and words that fall out of their mouths...I watch them as I drive home....I watch them when I get home.....I watch and watch.....and I listen.......
Two weeks with you gave me just enough time to heal that horrific wound that opened the day you left....and two days without you....has given everybody around me plenty of time to rip it open again and pour acid into it......and let me tell you...let me tell you that...people lack the character.....and the ability to live vicariously, empathetically and sentiently among others.....
And everybody wants to pick sides and criticize and argue...hollering, and yelling as if to get their point across..but nobody argues about the right things....and there it is.....a friend....a friend that I had forgotten....my faithful, comforting and reliable friend......ANGER.......it embraces me, humors me, anger is my companion.....it burns.....but I like the pain......
When an old man who has lived a long life says to a woman....."I won't argue with a 29 year old about these things......." "These things"....he says......It implies....that the life experiences that woman has had mean nothing.....how could personal involvement, sacrifice, and heart break over the span of 10 years and two different wars mean so little....?
They write movies, plays, televise historical shows, write songs, fly flags and constantly report on the news about "these things"....so if its such a major part of our daily lives and our history- how could her plight be minimized so easily???
He says "don't be so tough..." I laugh on the inside and think old man tough is the only way I know how to be......he says "you could use some humility" and I laugh even harder now......humility.....and I think old man....I am so down to earth....I am so below the surface.....I spend my days covered in ruins and rubble......I spend my days hibernating......my fire has died down so low only embers remain.....and now only the phone calls, only the messages, only the thought of your face blows on them to keep them burning.......
Its one thing to be lonely...but being lonely and alone.....well that....that is the kind of punishment....the kind of torture.....that I fear is worse than any mid-evil brand....that is the worst thing.....that keeps me meek, passive and modest......no old man.....lessons in humility, and lessons in tenderness are not needed here.....
And finally.......when everything gets quiet, when everybody is asleep and its dark outside the windows.........when I have moments to myself, you can finally occupy my thoughts......do you know? Do you know right this second, this very time that I am thinking of you? Are you looking out....looking up.....is my face the image in your mind? Its a foolish thought....how could I ever know? These foolish things....these haunting thoughts put me in a uneasy slumber.........
I had a dream.....but it wasn't a dream.....it was a nightmare......I have had many nightmares before....but none like this one......this one left me not with fear.....but with the greenish feeling of being sick.....like horribly sea sick....unable to overcome the feeling of bile rising up in my throat......unable to calm the sickness.....
I was wearing a dress.....the dress I wore at your flight school graduation....it was blowing in the wind....I was walking barefoot on the green green grass.....the sun was shining so bright that everything was blurry....but I had something, something in my hands...it was flowers.....or a flag...I was stepping over these big white stones......and then finally I came to a different stone.....it wasn't white, but it was bronze.....I bent down and wiped away grass clippings and leaves from the stone......and on this stone it read your name......
GASP......NO NO NO! I am conscious now.....and angry.....angry that I dreamt such a thing......I have had nightmares before, but before I have never dreamt such things......how could I....how could I dream this? I am ashamed of myself and I bullshit it away, minimizing and rationalizing...forcing violently this memory, this etching in my mind....but deep deep deep down.....under all the defense mechanisms......I am utterly....utterly unhinged......
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
About Me
- Tiff**
- A Day, A Week, A Month, A Year...IN THE LIFE of AN UNLIKELY.....MILITARY WIFE....** (A collection of snapshots, letters and memoirs DEDICATED to CHRISTOPHER ALLAN COUSSENS.)
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Friday, September 14, 2012
Dear LEGS: The permanent proclamation...**
Dear LEGS
090112
Day 107
A MEMOIR
We had freedom for two weeks.....or the sense of it.....before we would have to walk together, our eyes filled with tears, our hearts filled with dread, our shoulders hunched over baring the heavy load, weighed down with the heavy burden of WAR for uncle Sam......
I said "Man I don't want LEGS to leave......" And somebody said "that's life...." No. No it isn't just life, its life and its death.....and its not any ordinary life. This life cannot be summed up and cast away and generalized with the ordinary. When we make up such a small population.....this is not just a ordinary LIFE.....how we wish, it were......
The wind picked up our last night together, the trees flailed noisily and big gusts pounded the house causing it to creek and groan in protest. I cursed the wind, damned it for making our last night so sinister and restless.....I felt like the house....I felt like a hundred years old.....And still the wind pressed on...still blowing in violent fits, my senses are heightened....I crouch in bed like a frightened child telling myself if I get closer and hunker down farther that no harm will come.....muttering obscenities...why must it feel as if the supernatural is sending me a message?
And here we are again...in this non-spatial continuum...counting down the hours, counting down the minutes....counting down and down and down......I have to mentally coach myself through every second, I watch you look at the clock and I feel like air is being snatched out of my lungs, I non-committed, smile, when you look at me.....I hold your hand and try like hell not to get lost in those pools of blue.....I tell myself.....just place one foot in front of the other, just breathe, just deal, just cope.....I have to forcefully drive my psyche into handling the inevitable and violent separation......
Your hiding it too.....but I can feel it....I can feel the pain, the panic....I know that this time its hard for you.....you have to face me, and only me....there are no other men around to share and show bravado with, no distractions.....and I feel badly for this....so I make jokes and I laugh, and I pretend its a normal day......but this isn't normal.....forcing yourself to do such a thing isn't normal......
Our conversations are choppy, but wistful and significant....we speak on the future.....we speak on the future, and the past, we talk about the people we know that have overcome the worst, we talk about overcoming and living, surviving, we talk about dying, we talk about living....and how when you return we are gonna start.......
The room we shared is a disaster.....and I start cleaning it and packing things, I tell myself to keep moving....keeping moving and it will all wash through with my momentum, instead of a gory, frightful massacre left behind....it will be a clean, organized massacre.....I look out and there you are lacing up your boots....such a poignant, dramatic scene....straight from the best films I have ever seen, except this is you....this is me....this is our life.......
Still the room is a disaster, left empty with relics of this slice of heaven that were shared between two people......When I returned home.....it was like the wind came and captured it all.....taking with it all that remains.....the only proof you were ever here is the ink on my skin......and the permanent proclamation on yours.......
We are in the car.....the signs, and the trees, and the cars, with normal people pass by us.....and still I hear our hearts beating hard and fast.....and its all happening so fast....your standing there with your bags in your camouflage, and we begin to walk....
People are starring at us, with pity in their eyes and shock on their faces.....they look at us with pity.....it makes me angry....don't pity us! I think in my mind....we don't need your pity.....this is not a regrettable act, or some embarrassing scandal.....this is life.....right? No. But this, is, reality, and you should see it, but don't pity us.....not before we say goodbye.....before we say good bye, you should look at us with PRIDE!
We sit down for a minute....and take silly pictures, and you record messages for me.....always the awkward moments, always those moments where we try to speak but the words are cut short by tears....always trying to fight the complete breakdown......
And now its time......TIME....the time is now.....now is the time.....its the last minute, the last moment, the last second we could spare, the last one that we could hold tightly onto, before the bravery must show, the courage must come, and the resistance to this exact thing must be quieted.....
We embrace each other.....I try to remember the smell and the feeling, the vision.....FOREVER....we say the words that we always say.......I will meet you....you know the place.....I will come back to you....please come back to me...I love you to infinity for eternity......I found you, you who my soul loves and I held you and I will never let you go......
It feels different this time though....more desperate, more intense.....and as you pull away...I see it....something I never see, a small tear.....running down your left cheek......and there it is.....the last blow.....the kill shot.....I am fractured into one trillion pieces.....
I watch you go through security......getting further and further away from me...smaller in image but larger in my heart.....I cling to the plastic partition to steady my broken soul....you keep looking back to see if I am there.....and I find myself telling you though you can't hear me "I'm HERE! I am still here! I am waiting.....I'm here waiting......" And I think of this poem.....and I read it when I get home....and I think my waiting WILL indeed save you......
Wait for me and I'll return, only wait very hard.
Wait when you are filled with sorrow as you watch the yellow rain.
Wait when the wind sweeps the snowdrifts.
Wait in the sweltering heat.
Wait when others have stopped waiting, forgetting their yesterdays.
Wait even when from afar no letters come for you
Wait even when others are tired of waiting.
Wait for me and I'll return, but wait patiently.
Wait even when you are told you should forget.
Wait even when my mother and son think I am no more.
And when friends sit around the fire drinking to my memory
Wait and do not hurry to drink to my memory too.
Wait for me and I'll return defying every death.
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky.
They will never understand that in the midst of death
You with your waiting saved me.
Only you and I will know how I survived:
It was because you waited as no one else did.
-Konstantin Simonov
Just another day....in the life....of an unlikely military wife......**
(to INFINITY....for ETERNITY.....I am here waiting LEGS.....)
090112
Day 107
A MEMOIR
We had freedom for two weeks.....or the sense of it.....before we would have to walk together, our eyes filled with tears, our hearts filled with dread, our shoulders hunched over baring the heavy load, weighed down with the heavy burden of WAR for uncle Sam......
I said "Man I don't want LEGS to leave......" And somebody said "that's life...." No. No it isn't just life, its life and its death.....and its not any ordinary life. This life cannot be summed up and cast away and generalized with the ordinary. When we make up such a small population.....this is not just a ordinary LIFE.....how we wish, it were......
The wind picked up our last night together, the trees flailed noisily and big gusts pounded the house causing it to creek and groan in protest. I cursed the wind, damned it for making our last night so sinister and restless.....I felt like the house....I felt like a hundred years old.....And still the wind pressed on...still blowing in violent fits, my senses are heightened....I crouch in bed like a frightened child telling myself if I get closer and hunker down farther that no harm will come.....muttering obscenities...why must it feel as if the supernatural is sending me a message?
And here we are again...in this non-spatial continuum...counting down the hours, counting down the minutes....counting down and down and down......I have to mentally coach myself through every second, I watch you look at the clock and I feel like air is being snatched out of my lungs, I non-committed, smile, when you look at me.....I hold your hand and try like hell not to get lost in those pools of blue.....I tell myself.....just place one foot in front of the other, just breathe, just deal, just cope.....I have to forcefully drive my psyche into handling the inevitable and violent separation......
Your hiding it too.....but I can feel it....I can feel the pain, the panic....I know that this time its hard for you.....you have to face me, and only me....there are no other men around to share and show bravado with, no distractions.....and I feel badly for this....so I make jokes and I laugh, and I pretend its a normal day......but this isn't normal.....forcing yourself to do such a thing isn't normal......
Our conversations are choppy, but wistful and significant....we speak on the future.....we speak on the future, and the past, we talk about the people we know that have overcome the worst, we talk about overcoming and living, surviving, we talk about dying, we talk about living....and how when you return we are gonna start.......
The room we shared is a disaster.....and I start cleaning it and packing things, I tell myself to keep moving....keeping moving and it will all wash through with my momentum, instead of a gory, frightful massacre left behind....it will be a clean, organized massacre.....I look out and there you are lacing up your boots....such a poignant, dramatic scene....straight from the best films I have ever seen, except this is you....this is me....this is our life.......
Still the room is a disaster, left empty with relics of this slice of heaven that were shared between two people......When I returned home.....it was like the wind came and captured it all.....taking with it all that remains.....the only proof you were ever here is the ink on my skin......and the permanent proclamation on yours.......
We are in the car.....the signs, and the trees, and the cars, with normal people pass by us.....and still I hear our hearts beating hard and fast.....and its all happening so fast....your standing there with your bags in your camouflage, and we begin to walk....
People are starring at us, with pity in their eyes and shock on their faces.....they look at us with pity.....it makes me angry....don't pity us! I think in my mind....we don't need your pity.....this is not a regrettable act, or some embarrassing scandal.....this is life.....right? No. But this, is, reality, and you should see it, but don't pity us.....not before we say goodbye.....before we say good bye, you should look at us with PRIDE!
We sit down for a minute....and take silly pictures, and you record messages for me.....always the awkward moments, always those moments where we try to speak but the words are cut short by tears....always trying to fight the complete breakdown......
And now its time......TIME....the time is now.....now is the time.....its the last minute, the last moment, the last second we could spare, the last one that we could hold tightly onto, before the bravery must show, the courage must come, and the resistance to this exact thing must be quieted.....
We embrace each other.....I try to remember the smell and the feeling, the vision.....FOREVER....we say the words that we always say.......I will meet you....you know the place.....I will come back to you....please come back to me...I love you to infinity for eternity......I found you, you who my soul loves and I held you and I will never let you go......
It feels different this time though....more desperate, more intense.....and as you pull away...I see it....something I never see, a small tear.....running down your left cheek......and there it is.....the last blow.....the kill shot.....I am fractured into one trillion pieces.....
I watch you go through security......getting further and further away from me...smaller in image but larger in my heart.....I cling to the plastic partition to steady my broken soul....you keep looking back to see if I am there.....and I find myself telling you though you can't hear me "I'm HERE! I am still here! I am waiting.....I'm here waiting......" And I think of this poem.....and I read it when I get home....and I think my waiting WILL indeed save you......
Wait for me and I'll return, only wait very hard.
Wait when you are filled with sorrow as you watch the yellow rain.
Wait when the wind sweeps the snowdrifts.
Wait in the sweltering heat.
Wait when others have stopped waiting, forgetting their yesterdays.
Wait even when from afar no letters come for you
Wait even when others are tired of waiting.
Wait for me and I'll return, but wait patiently.
Wait even when you are told you should forget.
Wait even when my mother and son think I am no more.
And when friends sit around the fire drinking to my memory
Wait and do not hurry to drink to my memory too.
Wait for me and I'll return defying every death.
And let those who do not wait say that I was lucky.
They will never understand that in the midst of death
You with your waiting saved me.
Only you and I will know how I survived:
It was because you waited as no one else did.
-Konstantin Simonov
Just another day....in the life....of an unlikely military wife......**
(to INFINITY....for ETERNITY.....I am here waiting LEGS.....)
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Dear LEGS: A FIRE......**
Dear LEGS
090312
Day 105
A MEMOIR:
"These violent delights have violent ends.....And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume....." -Shakespeare
When I saw you again........I couldn't believe it was real. Every time, every single time you walk away from me....I worry.....I worry and I think that I will never see you again. I think that I will never see you again because our days spent, in one another's presence, is surreal. Most of our days together I spend hours thinking.....thinking that I must have created this reality in my imagination.....this love....this kind of love, this kind of beauty doesn't exist in real life.......
I jump. I jump high and I fall, I fall deep, very very deep in love with you every time I see you.....you always keep me falling for you. Your love is relentless.......you haunt me. You consistently and unyieldingly invade my heart, you capture it and force it to beat only for you.....you render my soul and purpose, and my mission in your service, my existence is in the service of worshipping you, your body, your mind, your thoughts, your soul.....and your legacy.....
When I see you my eyes have opened for the first time, when I feel your touch my heart has been uncovered and freed from dust and stone and began to beat again, when you sit next to me my lungs, after a long frantic wait, have started to breath again...slow, steady, and natural...when you leave the sparks from the fire fall into my eyes blinding me, my heart is so empty it has no reason to beat, and my chest is bound, paralyzed, unable to rise and fall.....
Your silence, your quietness, all those wide open spaces.......I want to fill them with myself.....so I profess every single thought in my brain, every single admission of love, infatuation, and commitment.....every straying fantasy, guilty pleasure, wrong or impure way of thinking.....like a devoted catholic to a priest during confession. You take away all my burdens and with it the lines in my forehead. No secrets....have ever existed on my behalf, or ever in the world.....
Next to you I have such a calm heart that if the doctors checked my pulse they would rule me dead......Your presence is as steady as the crickets on summer night, your face boyishly handsome......and you smile, and you ponder, and you hold my hand. You hold my heart and the power. The power of good, and light, and peace.......and you let it out, you let it fall upon me and you keep none for yourself.......
Your hands are soft and sensitive, and secure and strong....when they touch me and I cry.....I cry because I can't believe it.....I can't believe that its true, that its pure....I feel filled up and full...overflowing with a liveliness, a mortality that I thought for sure was gone forevermore. I have a richness and fullness......I am warm with rosie cheeks, teary blue eyes, and a parted mouth as if I have fallen asleep after a good cry, in a chair, in the middle of the afternoon....
Instead of a fire rumbling and roaring with anger inside of my own soul it reaches out through my finger tips, through my lips, and my eyes.......and consumes you......You have mastered the fire inside me allowing it to be alive and productive instead of wild and destructive......
I look up to the sky and breathe deep. I am so thankful to be alive, to be here in this moment....and yet.....my happiness is flawed.....I know that my dear friends cannot feel this peace with me......and I ache for that collective comfort.....
My mind is tranquil enough to remember my dreams in the morning and my heart has a a restored faith.....though my fear of the silent but audible pain will make a return upon your departure.....with you next to me I miss you still.....I can never get enough, like the fire that consumes.....I can never consume all of you that I desire.....the fire burns consumes fire......
LOVE YOU TO INFINITY FOR ETERNITY- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
090312
Day 105
A MEMOIR:
"These violent delights have violent ends.....And in their triumph die, like fire and powder, which as they kiss consume....." -Shakespeare
When I saw you again........I couldn't believe it was real. Every time, every single time you walk away from me....I worry.....I worry and I think that I will never see you again. I think that I will never see you again because our days spent, in one another's presence, is surreal. Most of our days together I spend hours thinking.....thinking that I must have created this reality in my imagination.....this love....this kind of love, this kind of beauty doesn't exist in real life.......
I jump. I jump high and I fall, I fall deep, very very deep in love with you every time I see you.....you always keep me falling for you. Your love is relentless.......you haunt me. You consistently and unyieldingly invade my heart, you capture it and force it to beat only for you.....you render my soul and purpose, and my mission in your service, my existence is in the service of worshipping you, your body, your mind, your thoughts, your soul.....and your legacy.....
When I see you my eyes have opened for the first time, when I feel your touch my heart has been uncovered and freed from dust and stone and began to beat again, when you sit next to me my lungs, after a long frantic wait, have started to breath again...slow, steady, and natural...when you leave the sparks from the fire fall into my eyes blinding me, my heart is so empty it has no reason to beat, and my chest is bound, paralyzed, unable to rise and fall.....
Your silence, your quietness, all those wide open spaces.......I want to fill them with myself.....so I profess every single thought in my brain, every single admission of love, infatuation, and commitment.....every straying fantasy, guilty pleasure, wrong or impure way of thinking.....like a devoted catholic to a priest during confession. You take away all my burdens and with it the lines in my forehead. No secrets....have ever existed on my behalf, or ever in the world.....
Next to you I have such a calm heart that if the doctors checked my pulse they would rule me dead......Your presence is as steady as the crickets on summer night, your face boyishly handsome......and you smile, and you ponder, and you hold my hand. You hold my heart and the power. The power of good, and light, and peace.......and you let it out, you let it fall upon me and you keep none for yourself.......
Your hands are soft and sensitive, and secure and strong....when they touch me and I cry.....I cry because I can't believe it.....I can't believe that its true, that its pure....I feel filled up and full...overflowing with a liveliness, a mortality that I thought for sure was gone forevermore. I have a richness and fullness......I am warm with rosie cheeks, teary blue eyes, and a parted mouth as if I have fallen asleep after a good cry, in a chair, in the middle of the afternoon....
Instead of a fire rumbling and roaring with anger inside of my own soul it reaches out through my finger tips, through my lips, and my eyes.......and consumes you......You have mastered the fire inside me allowing it to be alive and productive instead of wild and destructive......
I look up to the sky and breathe deep. I am so thankful to be alive, to be here in this moment....and yet.....my happiness is flawed.....I know that my dear friends cannot feel this peace with me......and I ache for that collective comfort.....
My mind is tranquil enough to remember my dreams in the morning and my heart has a a restored faith.....though my fear of the silent but audible pain will make a return upon your departure.....with you next to me I miss you still.....I can never get enough, like the fire that consumes.....I can never consume all of you that I desire.....the fire burns consumes fire......
LOVE YOU TO INFINITY FOR ETERNITY- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
Thursday, August 9, 2012
Dear LEGS: Surviving on countdowns.....**
Dear LEGS
0801012
Day 96
0801012
Day 96
A LETTER:
Look well to this day, for it, and it alone is life. -unknown
I start to feel it.......it starts out small.....tiny.....miniscule........and "it" starts way down low.....at first.... its only a little tickle....like a bug is crawling on my foot so....I shake it off.....Then the bug comes back and bites me....I get annoyed and a little upset...swatting away these feelings....and then the emotions start to build.....And the bite....it festers and itches horribly....usually for weeks......and it makes me so uncomfortable I just have to find a remedy......its at this point where I want so badly to scratch the bite, but I know that I mustn't. I would do anything to SHAKE PEOPLE and SCREAM OBSCENITIES at them...........
I start feeling UNSTABLE around the base.......being around the same people day in and day out, what they post on facebook, what they do at the gym, what they say when they see you, what they buy at the grocery store, at the post office, how they look, what they say, what they complain about, what they wear, its a constant barrage of negativity and snide comments in rapid succession......the inability and limitations of those to realize to have good friends you must also be one.....the lack of ambition or too much of it, the complaints that seem so futile, the competitions with others that are of no value, the unrest and unease that comes with having no control over the current situation, while understandable, is often what brings out the worst part of people.....
Its around this time that you and I usually get out of town......but you are not here.....and the friends I would disappear with are otherwise unavailable......
So I venture out into the world alone.....and while I am out there......
I start feeling UNSTABLE around the base.......being around the same people day in and day out, what they post on facebook, what they do at the gym, what they say when they see you, what they buy at the grocery store, at the post office, how they look, what they say, what they complain about, what they wear, its a constant barrage of negativity and snide comments in rapid succession......the inability and limitations of those to realize to have good friends you must also be one.....the lack of ambition or too much of it, the complaints that seem so futile, the competitions with others that are of no value, the unrest and unease that comes with having no control over the current situation, while understandable, is often what brings out the worst part of people.....
Its around this time that you and I usually get out of town......but you are not here.....and the friends I would disappear with are otherwise unavailable......
So I venture out into the world alone.....and while I am out there......
I suddenly become aware of exactly how many things I am depriving myself.....how much reality that I actually deal with on a daily basis......while I laugh and appreciate the smallest of things, the sun on my face, the trees and beauty, the sound of kids playing and laughing......it kills me when I realize that this is how it is.....for normal people, these are the things that they see and experience everyday, these feelings of joy, carefree.....happy......this is what a normal life looks like and feels like.....
The realization makes me sad......and it makes me jealous and envious and dubious.....these are the moments I want to give up, to throw this life and our love away, to run with normal people, to behave in reckless abandon to escape and never return........
I try so hard to stop myself from these thoughts and daydreams, grasping and clawing desperately to the memories of us....the way your hand feels wrapped around mine, the pillow talk, the secrets, glances, whispers....all those little things that make the big things.....imagine how sad I become when.....I can't seem to remember them, I can't seem to wash away the dust on these memories in order to see them, I can't put the pictures and snapshots into focus.....and so there they lie.....scattered across the floor of my brain, my eyes looking down up on them trying to make sense of myself, trying to keep my compass from going haywire, trying to find the person that I wish to be........trying to fill up the empty and be the wife I am destined to be......
Guilty if I laugh. Guilty if I drink. Guilty if I forget. How do I get through a day? I get up and I go? But where do I go? Most people wake up every day and don't even think about you or what you are doing? They don't think about me and this thing I live that should be a life.....they don't care that you live in a tent, that everything and everywhere you exist is dirty, they don't care that I stay alone, that we are a happily married couple who wishes to start a family but cannot because you are away.......
To top off all this ridiculous melancholy I am sick.....I think its the worst thing to be sick and alone....the monkey and the dog aren't cutting it. I just want you there to put my cold feet on, to make me soup, you to play with my hair and watch movies while I drift off to sleep.....someone who doesn't laugh at the way I blow my nose, or mind that I am a mouth breather......
I become so angry and resentful......and I wonder how many others have given up all the things I have given up- my youth, my job, some of my dreams, is it wrong of me or insensitive of me to point this out? 10 years of serving, sacrificing, always coming in the runner up.....
The realization makes me sad......and it makes me jealous and envious and dubious.....these are the moments I want to give up, to throw this life and our love away, to run with normal people, to behave in reckless abandon to escape and never return........
I try so hard to stop myself from these thoughts and daydreams, grasping and clawing desperately to the memories of us....the way your hand feels wrapped around mine, the pillow talk, the secrets, glances, whispers....all those little things that make the big things.....imagine how sad I become when.....I can't seem to remember them, I can't seem to wash away the dust on these memories in order to see them, I can't put the pictures and snapshots into focus.....and so there they lie.....scattered across the floor of my brain, my eyes looking down up on them trying to make sense of myself, trying to keep my compass from going haywire, trying to find the person that I wish to be........trying to fill up the empty and be the wife I am destined to be......
Guilty if I laugh. Guilty if I drink. Guilty if I forget. How do I get through a day? I get up and I go? But where do I go? Most people wake up every day and don't even think about you or what you are doing? They don't think about me and this thing I live that should be a life.....they don't care that you live in a tent, that everything and everywhere you exist is dirty, they don't care that I stay alone, that we are a happily married couple who wishes to start a family but cannot because you are away.......
To top off all this ridiculous melancholy I am sick.....I think its the worst thing to be sick and alone....the monkey and the dog aren't cutting it. I just want you there to put my cold feet on, to make me soup, you to play with my hair and watch movies while I drift off to sleep.....someone who doesn't laugh at the way I blow my nose, or mind that I am a mouth breather......
I become so angry and resentful......and I wonder how many others have given up all the things I have given up- my youth, my job, some of my dreams, is it wrong of me or insensitive of me to point this out? 10 years of serving, sacrificing, always coming in the runner up.....
You are worth it you are.....but it makes it no less difficult or less upsetting.....
Please forgive me.....I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the imperfections, the weariness whittles me down, and at my most vulnerable states I just fall under the heaviness......
Please forgive me.....I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me for all the imperfections, the weariness whittles me down, and at my most vulnerable states I just fall under the heaviness......
......they say.....time heals all wounds.....but does it.....?
Time for us is always the enemy......wanting to slow it down or hurry it up.....the time between us just crumbles me....
Seven days. Always counting up or counting down......I wonder how many other people survive on countdowns- do others constantly keep a tally of all the hours, minutes, days and months? They say God made the world in Seven days. In seven days the UNIVERSE will finally be balanced.....
The yin will have found its yang, the moon will be reunited with the stars, thunder will be accompanied by lightening, the sun with its rays, we will be together once again......
Together we can take on this cruel world....but separated I feel torn by the buzzards.....
Time for us is always the enemy......wanting to slow it down or hurry it up.....the time between us just crumbles me....
Seven days. Always counting up or counting down......I wonder how many other people survive on countdowns- do others constantly keep a tally of all the hours, minutes, days and months? They say God made the world in Seven days. In seven days the UNIVERSE will finally be balanced.....
The yin will have found its yang, the moon will be reunited with the stars, thunder will be accompanied by lightening, the sun with its rays, we will be together once again......
Together we can take on this cruel world....but separated I feel torn by the buzzards.....
How is it possible to go from feeling so content and burdenless to so melancholy and broken? LEGS hold me....I just need to feel safe and secure.....like I don't always have to guard myself, like I don't always have to be so strong.....am I not allowed to be angry? Am I not allowed to be weak? Am I not allowed to feel restless, resentful and despondent?
Why do we put ourselves through this? Why did we make these choices.....I suppose this is the life I chose....but could I walk away from it? Could I un- choose all these decisions? I fear that I am ripping out your heart as you read these questions.....at the end of these questions my brain answers back that I do indeed have the most beautiful heartbreaking love to show for it......
I can't wait to look up into your eyes....to sleep without fear.....to feel everything I feel and to say every thing I want to say......I cannot wait to be completely bare.....stripped of all the superficial bullshit that is necessary to maintain in this life......I cannot wait to be........just me........
Seven days......
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
Why do we put ourselves through this? Why did we make these choices.....I suppose this is the life I chose....but could I walk away from it? Could I un- choose all these decisions? I fear that I am ripping out your heart as you read these questions.....at the end of these questions my brain answers back that I do indeed have the most beautiful heartbreaking love to show for it......
I can't wait to look up into your eyes....to sleep without fear.....to feel everything I feel and to say every thing I want to say......I cannot wait to be completely bare.....stripped of all the superficial bullshit that is necessary to maintain in this life......I cannot wait to be........just me........
Seven days......
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Dear LEGS: These days....**
DEAR LEGS...
080512
Day 91
A LETTER
"May the love hidden deep inside my heart find the love waiting in my dreams.....may the laughter that I may find tomorrow wipe away the pain that I find in today......."
I am tired of stretching my foot over to feel the cold empty side of the bed......so.....I sleep in the middle of the bed these days.....its the darkness inside me that consumes all the places you used to be....except the army blouse that still hangs on the back of the chair in the guest room, and the books that you didn't read that sit on the nightstand, my favorite old pictures of you that sit on my vanity in the bathroom, the stack of magazines that rest untouched in your bathroom, all the ingredients of your favorite foods that collect dust in the pantry.....and though....buried deep under the rubble.....in my soul.....you occupy all the spaces of my heart.....
I wish that time would go by faster, days would pass by quicker, moments would be shorter, and soon it would be SPRING.....and then I think....NOT YET.....don't come home YET.....because I have not YET become the WOMAN you DESERVE.....
I worry sometimes that the ravages of war have changed you. That you have forgotten all that is good, pure, and beautiful, in this world. When we speak I feel like the light has left your eyes as well.....this is the cost of freedom I suppose.....but if at all possible- I would like to remind you home!
This is your home.
This is where we live, where you come after you work, where we talk, and laugh, where we look out the windows, have BBQ's, this is where we spend time together....hours and hours on the weekend, this where Karmella barks and insists on being let in and let out of the door.....its built on a foundation of trust, its walls are made of security, its covered by a roof of love....it is our sanctuary....we escape all the realities of life.....in this house.....
This is the gate and it squeaks and creeks when you open it.....when we have visitors they struggle to close it- because its a trick gate......
This is the yard. I spend hours in this yard cutting the grass. You have cut the grass once since we have lived here. This is where I grow our food, pick fruit from the trees and spend countless hours weeding, working, sweating and laboring.....
This is me. I am high up waving with thoughts of you in my head......
This is the sky and the clouds in NEVER NEVER LAND.
This is the valley overlooking where we live coming down the "Marktbergel Hill"........
Lately.......I seem to have been sleeping more soundly.......and its because right before I drift off....I think of you, and I know that the reason I am safe is because you are there, standing ready and vigilant, that you are fighting for and thinking of me, and that you are protecting me....At night is when I think of you most.....I think "SHHHHHHH......Can you hear me....I am with you...."
At night and during the days.....I send little messages of love and devotion to you......in my daydreams they travel with the birds, carried through these trees, over the little red roof tops of Oberdach, up high where the wind blows and the clouds float.....through the suns rays, storms above, all through the starry nights and in the pale moonlight......their final resting place being upon your eyelashes while you sleep.....
This is your dog.....who runs away every time the gate is left open, whose ears directly correlate with her mood, who sleeps under the covers in our bed, and who is very JEALOUS of the two of us together......
We shall see each other in a little over a week.....I am ready for you to lay your burdens upon me- I have been clearing out my mind body and soul to absorb whatever pain, hardships and secrets you will arriving with....
Even with all these tender thoughts and my unwavering faith that you will return home to me.....its still hard, I still have moments of weakness.....we had a internet black out the other night.......
Thankfully nobody had come to knock on my door......but its the moments, hours, seconds and nights like that that kill pieces of me and take away some of the magic of life.....and youth.....
This is a picture of me. I am your wife. 10 years ago I promised to be with you and devote myself to you even though it was sure that you would be leaving to WAR....in all my silly ideas of love, butterflies in my stomach, our crazy wild and youthful playful romance blossomed.....we have had good times, hard times, bad times, happy times and sad times.....but still we live to see more days together....
These days I am full of dichotomies.....strong....but so weak.....a lover....but so angry.....happy.....but so very sad.....full of heart.....and yet so apathetic......I am not the girl you once knew.....or am I? When I see you you can tell me then.......until then I will wait.....I will wait even though I don't hear from you....I will wait even though I am certain you will not be the same when you return.....I will wait even though there are no future promises......
I will wait very hard.......until you come home from work, through the gate, to our house, while Karmella barks, bring with you all those thoughts of devotion and love, that traveled over the tree tops and roof tops, through the storms and clouds, across the starry nights in pale moonlight, and shine them up on me......like the sun.....and it will be a new dawn........
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
A day in the life of an unlikely military wife........**
080512
Day 91
A LETTER
"May the love hidden deep inside my heart find the love waiting in my dreams.....may the laughter that I may find tomorrow wipe away the pain that I find in today......."
I am tired of stretching my foot over to feel the cold empty side of the bed......so.....I sleep in the middle of the bed these days.....its the darkness inside me that consumes all the places you used to be....except the army blouse that still hangs on the back of the chair in the guest room, and the books that you didn't read that sit on the nightstand, my favorite old pictures of you that sit on my vanity in the bathroom, the stack of magazines that rest untouched in your bathroom, all the ingredients of your favorite foods that collect dust in the pantry.....and though....buried deep under the rubble.....in my soul.....you occupy all the spaces of my heart.....
I wish that time would go by faster, days would pass by quicker, moments would be shorter, and soon it would be SPRING.....and then I think....NOT YET.....don't come home YET.....because I have not YET become the WOMAN you DESERVE.....
I worry sometimes that the ravages of war have changed you. That you have forgotten all that is good, pure, and beautiful, in this world. When we speak I feel like the light has left your eyes as well.....this is the cost of freedom I suppose.....but if at all possible- I would like to remind you home!
This is your home.
This is where we live, where you come after you work, where we talk, and laugh, where we look out the windows, have BBQ's, this is where we spend time together....hours and hours on the weekend, this where Karmella barks and insists on being let in and let out of the door.....its built on a foundation of trust, its walls are made of security, its covered by a roof of love....it is our sanctuary....we escape all the realities of life.....in this house.....
This is the gate and it squeaks and creeks when you open it.....when we have visitors they struggle to close it- because its a trick gate......
This is the yard. I spend hours in this yard cutting the grass. You have cut the grass once since we have lived here. This is where I grow our food, pick fruit from the trees and spend countless hours weeding, working, sweating and laboring.....
This is me. I am high up waving with thoughts of you in my head......
This is the sky and the clouds in NEVER NEVER LAND.
This is the valley overlooking where we live coming down the "Marktbergel Hill"........
Lately.......I seem to have been sleeping more soundly.......and its because right before I drift off....I think of you, and I know that the reason I am safe is because you are there, standing ready and vigilant, that you are fighting for and thinking of me, and that you are protecting me....At night is when I think of you most.....I think "SHHHHHHH......Can you hear me....I am with you...."
At night and during the days.....I send little messages of love and devotion to you......in my daydreams they travel with the birds, carried through these trees, over the little red roof tops of Oberdach, up high where the wind blows and the clouds float.....through the suns rays, storms above, all through the starry nights and in the pale moonlight......their final resting place being upon your eyelashes while you sleep.....
This is your dog.....who runs away every time the gate is left open, whose ears directly correlate with her mood, who sleeps under the covers in our bed, and who is very JEALOUS of the two of us together......
We shall see each other in a little over a week.....I am ready for you to lay your burdens upon me- I have been clearing out my mind body and soul to absorb whatever pain, hardships and secrets you will arriving with....
Even with all these tender thoughts and my unwavering faith that you will return home to me.....its still hard, I still have moments of weakness.....we had a internet black out the other night.......
Thankfully nobody had come to knock on my door......but its the moments, hours, seconds and nights like that that kill pieces of me and take away some of the magic of life.....and youth.....
This is a picture of me. I am your wife. 10 years ago I promised to be with you and devote myself to you even though it was sure that you would be leaving to WAR....in all my silly ideas of love, butterflies in my stomach, our crazy wild and youthful playful romance blossomed.....we have had good times, hard times, bad times, happy times and sad times.....but still we live to see more days together....
These days I am full of dichotomies.....strong....but so weak.....a lover....but so angry.....happy.....but so very sad.....full of heart.....and yet so apathetic......I am not the girl you once knew.....or am I? When I see you you can tell me then.......until then I will wait.....I will wait even though I don't hear from you....I will wait even though I am certain you will not be the same when you return.....I will wait even though there are no future promises......
I will wait very hard.......until you come home from work, through the gate, to our house, while Karmella barks, bring with you all those thoughts of devotion and love, that traveled over the tree tops and roof tops, through the storms and clouds, across the starry nights in pale moonlight, and shine them up on me......like the sun.....and it will be a new dawn........
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
A day in the life of an unlikely military wife........**
Saturday, July 28, 2012
Dear LEGS: I have lost the light behind my eyes...**
DEAR LEGS:
072812
Day 83
A LONG LETTER:
"I have become....comfortably numb." -Pink Floyd
I haven't written.
I lose the moment, the inspiration....I have lost the light behind my eyes.....what do people see now when they look at me? Do they see the obvious vacancy, the emptiness.....what do they feel when they are around me? Do they feel the apathy? The numbness?
And the truth is I have finally settled being without you.....the truth is.....I hardly FEEL anything anymore......
There was a time when I cried all the time. When I felt the sadness, the loneliness, the mania, the worry, the panic, the impending sense of doom.....all at once long into the depths and far into reaches of my existence.....
But now......I am NUMB. It scares me, I have become a monster.....if you burned me alive I wouldn't even cry out......this numbness.....I can't EVEN feel that I am numb because it doesn't totally engulf me.....its a black hole in my soul.....sucking parts of my daily happiness, daily sadness, my daily satisfaction, my daily apathy.....it never lets me fully experience these emotions, it robs me of half of my feelings.....and the other half are so weak and small and faint....its like they don't even exist.....
Its like tasting food when half your tongue is burnt, or watching a sporting event in such bad seats you can't tell what is going on.....its like fighting a fight without your vision.....
I have tried to cry.....I sit there....my face starts to wrinkle, I tell myself its okay if it comes out....I push a little you know try to get that wail going......and then I just stop.....my face returns to normal and I realize how silly I look....I have tried to conjure up some worrying thoughts.....or some sort of rise in my stress levels....I try to stoke the flames of my emotions to convince myself I can still feel something....but nothing ever comes.....
I wish some thing would knock me back. That I would have a few days when the sobering reality would backhand my apathetic face.....shake me to my core and help me be human again......
072812
Day 83
A LONG LETTER:
"I have become....comfortably numb." -Pink Floyd
I haven't written.
I lose the moment, the inspiration....I have lost the light behind my eyes.....what do people see now when they look at me? Do they see the obvious vacancy, the emptiness.....what do they feel when they are around me? Do they feel the apathy? The numbness?
And the truth is I have finally settled being without you.....the truth is.....I hardly FEEL anything anymore......
There was a time when I cried all the time. When I felt the sadness, the loneliness, the mania, the worry, the panic, the impending sense of doom.....all at once long into the depths and far into reaches of my existence.....
But now......I am NUMB. It scares me, I have become a monster.....if you burned me alive I wouldn't even cry out......this numbness.....I can't EVEN feel that I am numb because it doesn't totally engulf me.....its a black hole in my soul.....sucking parts of my daily happiness, daily sadness, my daily satisfaction, my daily apathy.....it never lets me fully experience these emotions, it robs me of half of my feelings.....and the other half are so weak and small and faint....its like they don't even exist.....
Its like tasting food when half your tongue is burnt, or watching a sporting event in such bad seats you can't tell what is going on.....its like fighting a fight without your vision.....
I have tried to cry.....I sit there....my face starts to wrinkle, I tell myself its okay if it comes out....I push a little you know try to get that wail going......and then I just stop.....my face returns to normal and I realize how silly I look....I have tried to conjure up some worrying thoughts.....or some sort of rise in my stress levels....I try to stoke the flames of my emotions to convince myself I can still feel something....but nothing ever comes.....
I wish some thing would knock me back. That I would have a few days when the sobering reality would backhand my apathetic face.....shake me to my core and help me be human again......
I don't like being comfortable without you. I don't like operating on a daily basis not aching, pining and missing you every single second of every single day. It makes me feel like a horrible wife.....like I don't love you as much as I should. It makes me feel like psychopath.......people assure me its a coping mechanism ...but somehow this explanation just doesn't cut through my fear of being a monster.....
Its not heartless and soul- less....its just that....nothing......and no one.....satisfies me the way you do.....I tell myself that if I spend time with people, friends, if I have good food, a long sleep and a glass of wine that I will be filled up with something other than emptiness.....you, you are what makes me human, what keeps me ALIVE.....you are what makes me FEEL ALIVE.......this is what purgatory must feel like......
When I think of what my life would look like if something happens to you I get so scared and frightened....I don't even have children to live for......what would my life look like? I am almost 30 years old....I have no children, no job, my whole life is about you......who would want such damaged goods? And would children even be an option for me after you? No.....they wouldn't. Because I am not one of those people that could pick up the pieces and move on fast enough to have a child.....it makes it hard to see past...into the future....to have hope....
Sometimes I think that I am actually happy and that I am okay....its during these moments I try very hard to remember all the details of the way you make me feel.....and then I remember.....
And after I remember I return to the existence that I now occupy.....
The desperation.....rips and claws away at my flesh.....it leaves me exposed and gives me no chance at self-respect....how I long for physical touch, for somebody to look me in the eye, to eat with somebody, to have a sentilating conversation, a laugh....of real genuine quality, a thirst for something only you can give me .....that skin on skin contact, but not just from anybody.....from your hands that are as gentle as a silk robe drifting over my back.......the desperation and vacancy make it so hard for me to be fully present in the minutes and hours, with others, I feel distracted because I am always reaching for that ALIVE feeling......
When I think of what my life would look like if something happens to you I get so scared and frightened....I don't even have children to live for......what would my life look like? I am almost 30 years old....I have no children, no job, my whole life is about you......who would want such damaged goods? And would children even be an option for me after you? No.....they wouldn't. Because I am not one of those people that could pick up the pieces and move on fast enough to have a child.....it makes it hard to see past...into the future....to have hope....
Sometimes I think that I am actually happy and that I am okay....its during these moments I try very hard to remember all the details of the way you make me feel.....and then I remember.....
And after I remember I return to the existence that I now occupy.....
The desperation.....rips and claws away at my flesh.....it leaves me exposed and gives me no chance at self-respect....how I long for physical touch, for somebody to look me in the eye, to eat with somebody, to have a sentilating conversation, a laugh....of real genuine quality, a thirst for something only you can give me .....that skin on skin contact, but not just from anybody.....from your hands that are as gentle as a silk robe drifting over my back.......the desperation and vacancy make it so hard for me to be fully present in the minutes and hours, with others, I feel distracted because I am always reaching for that ALIVE feeling......
I don't play music in the house nearly as often as I used to.....I have accepted the silence.....I do however spend more time talking to the dog.....she looks at me as if I am mad.....I don't know why- she doesn't look at me LIKE I am mad....because I am......its like she holds out hope that I am not.....I wonder what a kick it would be to film what I do alone.....
Mid tour is coming.....I am excited, but also nervous.....The only time I can feel anything is when I think of seeing you again.....I get choked up, and tears well in my eyes.....and then I think of saying goodbye to you again.....
The anger that waves over me is so incredible that I think of that moment passing.....I think that once you walk away from me again.......I will no longer believe in the good in the world, I feel as if I will have gone to the dark side and I won't ever come back......
I try to be stimulated by the ordinary......I look up at the sky....sending out my prayers, I send you thoughts....but alas no body answers back....
Mid tour is coming.....I am excited, but also nervous.....The only time I can feel anything is when I think of seeing you again.....I get choked up, and tears well in my eyes.....and then I think of saying goodbye to you again.....
The anger that waves over me is so incredible that I think of that moment passing.....I think that once you walk away from me again.......I will no longer believe in the good in the world, I feel as if I will have gone to the dark side and I won't ever come back......
I try to be stimulated by the ordinary......I look up at the sky....sending out my prayers, I send you thoughts....but alas no body answers back....
This life is hard...I keep telling myself its the one that I have chosen and I still find solace in the small blessings...
I guess I just wonder what comes after STRONG.....I have been strong for so long I don't even know what it feels like not to be....and maybe we are all really alone.....because nobody really knows all of your thoughts and feelings- maybe any of the joyous times we spend with others is just.....a temporary distraction to the real trials of life...and in the end....don't we end up ALONE anyway?
Perhaps relying on anybody or even feeling as ALIVE as I have felt with you is only a glimpse of heaven.....and most of our days are spent like animals......eating, sleeping, and surviving.....one thing is for certain....I am not LIVING.....I am just EXISTING....
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
Perhaps relying on anybody or even feeling as ALIVE as I have felt with you is only a glimpse of heaven.....and most of our days are spent like animals......eating, sleeping, and surviving.....one thing is for certain....I am not LIVING.....I am just EXISTING....
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
Dear LEGS: Queen DI and 50 Shades of SKYPE....**
Dear LEGS
072412
Day 79
A NOTE:
I received this email from QUEEN DI a few days ago and I cannot stop laughing.....
Dear Tiffany-
Maybe we can skype this weekend. I am kind of freaked out by skype because last Thursday I was just leaving it on because of everyone being so far away, and someone called and I answered and it was Rex somebody who had so shirt on and probably nothing else on either. Yuck, I didn't turn my camera on so he couldn't see me. How does that happen that someone calls you that doesn't know you? Anyway I will try and leave it on over the weekend when I am here.
Love Queen Di
I hope that this NOTE makes you laugh, and finds you safe and well......
I LOVE you TO ETERNITY for INFINITY......
BIRDIE**
Just another day in the LIFE of an UNLIKELY MILITARY WIFE......**
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