Atmospheric Conditions brought to you by Karmella: SUNNY!
I have been experiencing this crazy, absurd, far-out wave of change in my life lately and all the emotions that come with it.
My Baby Sister: Her name is Kaybear.
Our past has been for from perfect, in fact, it has been downright rocky and pretty damn horrible. I have mentioned in my blogs certain emotions I was having and certain issues I was dealing with in my life, that of course pertained to her, but I have never specifically said it was HER.
I found out in September when I made a visit home that she was pregnant. At the time of the announcement I could not have been more angry, frustrated, and disappointed with her as a person, so it wasn't the most happy news-.....for me.
Everybody in the family thought that it was a boy, but they determined it to be a girl. For some reason this is what made me really excited about her having a baby. I became VERY happy about her having a girl, because a girl really can do ANYTHING she wants, and boys....just can't. I AM THE PROOF!
Recently, as a result of some changes KayBear is taking to improve herself, and her life, she has reached out to me. We have spent hours on the phone, skyping, and writing on facebook. She even sent me a card in the mail the other day.....
Obviously some of the subjects we have discussed have been hard and sad....which has made me a little sad and for lack of a better word reminiscent and reflective....
Every time things improve with KayBear, I always hold my breath, because.......I can't quite seem to make that leap of faith that things really are looking up with her.....but.....I can say.....this time it feels REAL.......
I am very sad that I won't be there this weekend for her shower, but I have of course sent fabulous gifts her way. I am also very sad that I won't be there to see Rylee come into this world.
My biggest wish for Rylee is that KayBear keeps improving herself and she becomes the most wicked cool ROLE MODEL that any little girl has ever seen!
The Daddy.
My parents split when we were young. Mommy Re-married and had my little bro Carson.
Daddy has been in a few serious relationships but has been single for a long time. When he started working in Indonesia he met a woman named Lena, last year they got engaged and last week he finally married her in Thailand!
I am so happy to see him so happy! Although....it is very strange to see a wedding band on his hand now....(is this how he felt the day he walked me down the aisle?) And one other small detail that is absolutely necessary for this blog. My DADDY is a ROCKSTAR, he is the ONLY (NON HIPPY) man I know that pimped a FANNY PACK on his wedding day. AWESOME DADDY- SO FRESH AND SO CLEAN!
And finally......moving and friends. Moving around the world and making new friends sounds exciting and it sometimes can be, but mostly its just hard. I miss the friends I left behind and I often struggle to find people that I can really CONNECT with in new places.
I am not exactly sure what it is either......but I am going to try my best to pinpoint it.....
Sometimes the military lifestyle can have its special breed of drama. There is all these complications of Rank, Pay, Position, not to mention the long absences and of course infidelity that runs rampant (unfortunately) in this community.
Also.....everybody is at different stages, some people are still in school, some have careers, some people are older, younger, wiser, naive, some have kids, some don't, some are adventurous, some aren't, some like it and some don't. While diversity is good, I find it hard to find a friend that is on the same track I'm on.....Does this sound selfish? Or close-minded?
And last but not least......sometimes its hard to trust, in a lifestyle where rank and pay coincide, where your personality, or your Spouse's personality can determine the career path, people are cheating and lying, marriages are flourishing or falling apart, and your never really sure who likes you and who doesn't.....trust becomes difficult.
Throw in a little more complication, with certain alliances that come with friendships, Females in the Army being present in the field and on deployments, GERMAN BEER and GERMAN SCHNAPPS and the fact that ILLESHIEM is INCREDIBLY small, you literally CANNOT go anywhere without seeing somebody you know, its worse then Anchorage AND Fort Rucker!
My 'Be Friends with Everybody' Policy is becoming more difficult then I previously thought. And....these are the people you ABSOLUTELY DEPEND on during deployment, absences to the field, loss, loneliness, etc.
Heavy Sigh.....maybe I am taking everything too seriously, or perhaps I am glorifying my previous friendships??? Either way.....I am longing for a CONNECTION to somebody....
New Addition to the BLOG: I have decided to add a "Guilty Pleasure" section. It will include all the sinful, imperfect behavior that I participate in, if for no other reason to make me more aware of my bad behavior and hopefully humble me as well....
Guilty Pleasure
About a week ago I bought a tub of Cool Whip Light. I wish I could say it was intended for the use of a dessert, or special recipe, but it wasn't. Its been in my fridge waiting.....for a pathetic, lonely night, when LEGS is absent. (that would be last night)
One bizarre guilty pleasure of mine is to.....consume light cool whip off a spoon. Its low in calories, it feels you up fast, and it has that wonderful sensation of Gluttony when you have the tub in your lap.
Guilty as charged!
Random Thoughts:
I ran 5 miles in 50 minutes, I realize this is slow to my previous standards, but I was pretty smug with myself.......
I feel very very lonely.....
I gave Karmella a rawhide today......wooooweee! She has the stinkiest farts.....I guess what goes around comes around.....
Don't you hate it when you have a bad feeling about somebody, but you can't figure out why? And your suspicions seem irrational?
I was weighing 154 lbs! on my birthday, March 1st. Last week I got on the scale and was down to 146, but after eating like a fat kid all weekend long, I was back up to 150 lbs. All week long, with the exception of the cool whip, I have been very disciplined with my diet and exercise.....it just baffles me how easy it is to put weight on and how hard it is to take it off.........SEESH.....
Also having to do with body image......
Is it just me? Here I am trying to compare myself to my counterparts- you know girls my age, and my lifestyle- am I fatter or skinnier then they are- because I am trying to gauge how crazy I am about my body-
and EVERY SINGLE TIME, I don't measure up.....
well its because most of them have plastic surgery! When,.....when, did it become so normal for young (28 ish is still young right?) girls to have plastic surgery? And don't they know what they are doing to my psyche !?! They are just perpetuating all the crazy neurosis I and other women have about their bodies!
I have been really bad about reading.....you see.....I don't have a reading light yet in my room......so if I want to read....I have to keep the over head light on when LEGS is trying to sleep.....and then slowly but surely....I feel bad....so I stop reading....it has taken me many many months to get a little over half way through the book I am reading....and I am disappointed about it....all because....you see....I don't have a reading light......
Over & Out....
Just another day... a day in the life...of an unlikely....military wife....**
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