EXPLETIVE.....Am I not pretty enough?**

Hey Blog Face....

Weather Report by ME: It was a beautiful sunrise this morning......

Exchange Rate: $1.42 = 1 Euro

I am not sure why.  

Maybe it was the long drive home.  

Maybe it was all the carbs I ate this weekend.

Or perhaps all the wine I drank.  

Or possibly post vacation blues?

Maybe its hormones.

Or it could be that my thyroid levels are off.  

But I have been thinking.  A LOT.  About stuff.  

Things that I haven't thought about in a really long time, and things that are on my mind, and things that are making me SAD......

Its really nothing big.  Its really nothing small.  Just a concoction of random topics, that look like vomit, and feel like plague.

I know....that its ridiculous.....

But I seem to be having a special kind of heartsickness.....

And nothing is shaking it.....

Its pretty astounding to me how little petty things can send you spinning, when you have the whole world at your fingertips......

I have been thinking about all the girls that have spent countless hours training and going through the pains of making weight to compete at the US Nationals this week for an Olympic slot, and how even though I enjoyed the glory of it all- I DO NOT ENVY their position.......After I complete this thought I wonder if there is something wrong with me? Because I don't want that....for my life....and I wonder if I am settling for mediocrity? (EXPLETIVE)....

My controversial blog is coming back to haunt me.  While I find myself to be jovial at the challenges people present me and I like a battle of wills, wits, street and social smarts, I am learning the hard way....that you can say what you think all you want....but what you say isn't going to necessarily win you any fans.  Its been a talent of mine to "feel" things other people don't feel, and lately, I have been "feeling" iced out by the people in LEGS' company.  

I think this is one of those lessons you learn over and over again in life- or at least its been one of the ones I learn over and over again.....

Its that YOU may be done with the PAST, but the PAST may not be done with YOU......(EXPLETIVE)........

You know those CD's that you have in your car, and you pop them in while your driving, and suddenly they bring you back to the time and place you were in when you made the CD?  

It happened to me on the way home from the grocery store.  Suddenly I was back in ALASKA, in the boxing gym, and LEX was there.  I started to feel sad, and then angry.  I started to miss my old coach, my friends.....the gym.  

That time in my life was so special and I didn't even know it.  I met the coolest people, I had the coolest friends, friends that would do anything for me, friends that protected me.  We shared something real.  We shed blood, we shared jokes, we broke each other down and built each other up.  To me, those are my glory days....will I ever have that again? (EXPLETIVE).......

Now I started feeling really down.  Usually when I feel this way, I do work.  I stay busy to work myself out of the funk.  So...I decided....I would do yard work.

I put my headphones on and started cutting the grass.  It has probably been the earliest I have ever cut my grass because I was out there right at 10am.  (For those of you who don't know I have a very large yard- about an acre.) I was half done with the lawn when I spotted my German neighbor in his Pajamas.  

He flagged me down, and I happily bounced over to him.  We exchanged greetings, and then he told me he was 'trying to relax.'  I was like 'Oh..that is good.' (DUMB AMERICAN GIRL).  

Then he asked me if I knew it was a German Holiday.  The smile started to fade from my face and I sensed the rest of the conversation was not going to go so well.  I told him I didn't know.  Then he said 'We don't cut the grass on holiday.'  

Mortified I just stood there, not sure what my next move was.  Then he asked me again, if I knew it was a German Holiday.....I again reiterated I had no idea.  Then he asked me where LEGS was- I was like HE'S AT WORK!  He seemed shocked that LEGS was at work, and I shamefully finished the conversation.....by running the lawn mower into the shed.

After that I came inside and shut all the blinds.....and felt even more pathetic and embarrassed.  I felt like I had just been scolded by my father...as an ADULT.  And then....I felt mad.....and then I felt sad.  I was mad because its not like the German's know all the American Holiday's! Then I realized I was just being defensive because I made a stupid mistake.  It was at this moment....that I felt so very far away from HOME.......And....my day of being productive had just gone to....

(EXPLETIVE)........

At this point, I had no other choice.  A full fledged pity party was in effect. I made a hodge podge on the couch, I cuddled with Karmella.  I ate Nutella covered Saltines (I didn't have any junk to eat- so I tried this for the first time ever- um yeah- its AMAZING). I watched True Blood reruns. I cried at the tip of a hat.  It was reminiscent of Diane Keaten's Character in 'Something's Gotta Give' where she cries incessantly for days.....

I started to try to figure out why I felt so pathetic. 

I ran down the list in my head: Is it because I am mediocre? NO.  Is it because I miss LEX? MAYBE.  Is it because I couldn't mow the lawn? MAYBE.  Is it because of the neighbor? NO. Is it because I feel like LEGS' people hate me? MAYBE.  

Hrrmmmmmm........

Was I (Gasp!) HOMESICK?

I have felt homesick once in ALABAMA.  It lasted a week.  And it was horrible.

At the realization that I may be suffering from homesickness I started to think about HOME.

Specifically my parents.  I worry about their health.  (They are both probably pissed at me for writing this....SORRY!) No...but seriously....I want them to live FOREVER.  And I worry that they aren't taking care of themselves very well.

Isn't it a weird paradox in life....that your parents tell you all kinds of wisdom and advice growing up, and most the time you don't take it, because- they don't know what they are talking about, but then.....when you get older you see things, and you tell them what you see- but they don't know what your talking about?

I want to go home because its my fantasy that things will be a certain way, but its like that weird thing that we all do.  We have this picture in our minds about how things are going to be, and they never really live up to the picture.

EXPLETIVE.....

LEGS came home and joined my party.  I appreciated his tenderness and understanding because I might not have made it out of the pit of despair....he's good to me....

I live, I breathe, I let it rain on me,
I sleep, I wake, I try hard not to break,
I crave, I love, I’ve waited long enough,
I try as hard as I can.

Am I not pretty enough?
Is my heart too broken?
Do I cry too much?
Am I too outspoken?
Don’t I make you laugh?
Should I try it harder?
Why do you see right through me?

I laugh, I feel, I make believe it’s real,
I fall, I freeze, I pray down on my knees,
I hope, I stand, I take it like a man,
I try as hard as I can.

OVER & OUT

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**