One, of the great heartbreaks in my life...**

Hello Blog...


Weather Conditions: Hot and Sticky.


Exchange Rate: Same!

On June 4, 2010, I woke up, same as any other day and went to my first boxing practice.  It was a light practice because later on  that afternoon I was attending an award ceremony where I would be receiving a Certificate of Appreciate from the Garrison Commander on Fort Rucker. Colonel Kelley (a female, do doubt) had requested that I put on a small demonstration for her on mitts.  I was really nervous, but also honored that a successful female in the military would present me with formal recognition.

I was in the sauna, relaxing and centering my mind, while checking facebook on my iPhone.  


Aunt Margie (LEX's aunt) said on her status:'My heart is broken.'


I immediately texted LEX and asked him why my favorite Aunt's heart is broken? I told him, if it was because of him I would come back to Alaska and kick his a**.


I never heard anything back from LEX and was immediately alarmed.  I frantically called my Sissy and asked her to contact LEX's family as I had a bad feeling that something was really wrong.  


LEX was one of my best friends.  We spent the better part of two years in the boxing gym.  We fed off each other's energy, we loved boxing and we loved to give each other a hard time.  We told each other everything, we laughed, we studied boxing, we knew each other's families, and we had one of the coolest friendships I have every known. Before I left Alaska, we became really close, and he helped me make a very important dream of mine come true.  

When I moved away, I broke both of our hearts, and because of that heart break, things between us went south.  He knew that I needed to be present in my life, with my husband in Alabama, so he stopped talking to me.  I desperately clung to our friendship, because I felt that I had found somebody who finally understood me, but the more I clung to it, the further away it went.


The truth is that LEX and I probably developed inappropriate feelings for each other, as embarrassing and shameful it is for me to admit that.  Because he was amazing he realized he had to let me go.  He dedicated a song to me, and said goodbye......

After some time had passed, he posted on facebook on May 22nd 2010, something I used to say to him all the time....


'WOW....Just WOW...'


I decided it was safe enough to start talking to him again, and we joked around via text/facebook for the better part of that day.....


I was happy because even though we both knew we had made a mistake we were still able to be friends that joke around from a distance.  I also lost a fight that same weekend, I got my a** kicked bad, and I was really down about it.  He encouraged me, made me feel better, and inspired me to keep fighting.  


On June 4, 2010, while I was preparing for the awards ceremony my Sissy MEGS called me and said:


'I don't know how to tell you this (she started to break down) but, Tiffany he is dead. I am so sorry.'


I told her that I needed to let her go because I had this thing I needed to go to.  


Once I hung up the phone, I lost it.  I wailed and cried, I beat my bed, I threw things across the room.  How could he leave me? How could he die?  I kept saying NO! That it wasn't true, that there was no way he was dead.....


LEGS came upstairs and held me, while I kept saying over and over again that it wasn't true, that he was alive and that it was a bad dream......


But the reality is......LEX was dead.  He died of a drug overdose.


I went to the awards ceremony, received my award, came home, shut the curtains, and cried and felt sorry for myself for the rest of the night.  My heart was broken and I was utterly devastated.....


For several weeks, I went from being angry, to sad, to laughing over some memory we shared together.....I kept asking LEGS if I would get over this.....if I would be able to go through one day without acting like a crazy person.....


He was laid to rest during the week of the National Golden Gloves Tournament.  I really wanted to go home, to be surrounded by my family and our friends, to hug his Mom, Sister and Aunt.....I wanted to cry with them and mourn LEX's death.  But I decided to stay in the South, and win the Golden Gloves for LEX.  


I did it.

The night I won, there was a huge lightening storm.  I felt like that was LEX's way of showing me he was proud.  


Over the past year I have had dreams of LEX.


One was that he was running and no matter what I did I couldn't catch up to him.


The last dream I had of him went like this:


I was in the bedroom that I had as a teenager.  LEX crawled up my house to the second floor, into my bedroom.  We joked around like we usually did, and had a quick conversation.  And then he looked at me real seriously, and said that he had to go, but that I had to stay there.  I told him that I wanted to go with him, but he insisted that I stayed.  He walked out the door, and shut it.  I tried to pull it open, but then I heard him locking the door, and while crying telling me I had to stay.  I protested violently, trying to push and pull the door open.....after awhile I gave up and slid down the door crying......somehow I knew that he was gone.....


This dream didn't make any sense to me until I reflected on it the other day.....


I think LEX wanted to keep me compartmentalized and safe that is why I was in my childhood bedroom. He was telling me he had to leave and I had to stay.


LEX- this year- I won the National Golden Gloves, went to Nationals finished 5th, and officially ranked #7, MTV wanted to do a show on me, I write a blog, I have moved to a foreign country, where I now reside, I have grown so much as person, and I have been exceptionally reflective and hard on myself, every single day I think of you, every single day I work to make my life something worth watching, and its through your life and death that I have accomplished this.


I miss him terribly, I still cry sometimes, and it still hurts. 


I still feel immense guilt over having an inappropriate relationship with LEX.  I never physically cheated on LEGS, but I emotionally invested in my friendship with LEX when I should have been fully invested in my marriage.  I have apologized every day since, by always being careful who I get close to, committing my whole self to my marriage, and telling others that even though LEGS and I are strong, marriages are fragile and they require work, honesty, and commitment.




The lessons I have learned, the self-reflection I have participated in, and the standards in which I live my life, are a direct result of LEX's amazing life and personality.  I wish I could tell him, and I hope that he see's that each and every day, I try make my life something that is worth watching...


And....I am so lucky to have LEGS, even though this was incredibly painful for him, he found it in his generous heart to forgive me.  We are stronger today, then we have ever been and I am more in love with him then I could have ever imagined.  


So...there it is....even though its not pretty, its the truth....


When I moved from ALASKA I gave LEX a magnet with these quotes on it.


"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own lights shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."


-Nelson Mandela


Never shall I forget the times I spent with you; continue to be my friend, as you will always find me yours.

Ludwig van Beethoven 

POST SCRIPT: While I was writing this....we experienced a severe thunderstorm in NEVER NEVER LAND.....I see you LEX, I see you, and I love you back!


OVER & OUT...


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**