I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive, to survive, to prosper, to rise, TO FLY...**

Hiya BLOG!

Weather brought to you by TANK GIRL:  Its sunny and  a little windy....and we had one hell of a thunderstorm last night!

Exchange Rate: 1 Euro = $ 1.38 :D :D

Last week I spent several days harvesting berries in my yard.  In NEVER NEVER LAND they are called Johnesbeere (Yo- Hah-Nes- Bear), but in the states we know them as Red Currants.  I am not that familiar with Red Currants, but we have a bunch of bushes in our yard, and the other night Mariannae told me they are ready to pick.

I have no idea what to do, so with the help of my new German friend LISA, we were able to establish that Mariannae would help me harvest, and make jelly out of them.  

We spent hours picking every single bush completely of the berries....the weather was nice and she was speaking German to me as if I know what she is saying....in some cases I do, in most cases I don't.  She asks me questions and I try as best I can to answer them, again with charades and the little German vocabulary I know.

I felt at peace out there......the red currants shining bright red in the sunlight, Mariannae, ( who I have now deemed my NEVER NEVER LAND OMA, OMA is Grandma in German) teaching me German.  It was as if I knew who I was and where I belonged....

Then we went to her house, cooked the berries down into a juice, added LOTS of sugar, cooked the juice some more, and when it was ready we jarred 25 jars of RED CURRANT JELLY, and made 6 bottles of Juice.  If you add the juice to sparkling water or even white wine/champagne its really tasty...I want to try adding it to a margarita.

I love Mariannae.  I am so attached to her.  I deeply care for her and I cherish the time we spend together.  I am so lucky to have a good teacher like her.  We laugh at innocent things, its not dirty, tainted with alcohol or profanity, its just simple, pure, laughter.  I love the quiet times we share, and the security and love I feel when I am with her.  She makes me feel like she cares about me, that I am a good person and she likes to be around me, she makes me feel like she loves me unconditionally, and she teaches me so many beautiful things about life.......

I love this picture- see the light coming from behind her? .*)

But sometimes LIFE is...well.....

LIFE.....

I left her house Friday afternoon, only to go from admiring the luscious red of the the currants in the sunlight to having a serious conversation about LIFE, DREAMS, NEEDS, DESIRES, and the intricate balance of CAREERS, SACRIFICE, and the POLITICS that go along with it.....

I called my SISSY.....and it made sad that I couldn't be there during this confusing time in her life.....I was at a loss for advice or guidance which is so frustrating from this distance.....What do you tell someone you care about, when you have nothing substantial to say?

LEGS came home.....and we had a conversation about our LIFE here in NEVER NEVER LAND.  

We have been here for 5 months.  And I think both of us are still trying to figure things out.  

He hasn't done or accomplished what he has wanted to flight-wise, he feels overwhelmed with the amount of knowledge necessary to be good at his job, and he suspects my personality/blog has put him in a certain position at work.  He has come home stressed out and grumpy for the last week....

I just put a big chunk of money from my retirement I earned at the job in ALASKA into an account, which has left me with a certain kind of longing for that job or any job.  I keep pretty busy with my projects; working out, knitting, and blogging.  My blog is therapeutic, I do it to get my thoughts out of my head....I do it to stay close to my family, and I do it in hopes that other military wives will not feel so alone.  

It basically boils down to the debate that I fear we will have always:  As an OFFICER WIFE, can you say/write what you want?

Obviously my desire is to have the best of both worlds....I want to write what I want, because as a person who has a life of her own deserves that, but I also don't want what I write to affect my husband's life/career.

I teeter totter back and forth.......

The self-righteous part of me thinks I should be able to write what I want.  The empathetic part of me thinks that I should quit blogging all together....

And then I think......

I cannot believe I just said that...

or thought that.....

I am not a quitter........

I never have been....

and never will be.....

Its not self-righteous for me to want to impact the world with the life that I have been given, it does no good for me to play small in this role of a military wife.....

I am strong, but people give me more credit than I sometimes deserve, I am sensitive, empathetic and insecure ....sometimes the world is too much for me, sometimes I can't bear the thought of people not liking me or wanting to be my friend....as self righteous as I sound or come off, its just a silly defense mechanism....

I have been feeling despondent because the loneliness sometimes of being a military wife is a heavy burden to carry....being away from family and true, stable friends, not knowing where you fit in, losing contact and connection from people who you know are loyal to you, the lack of trust, security and openness here in NEVER NEVER LAND is tiresome.....

I suspect my blog has cost me the Miss Congeniality Award, which I hate to say, I was running for.....

But at the end of the day I need to be who I am.....

I need to be who I am and say what I feel....because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind....(Dr. Suess)

I have been listening to this song over and over as a means to encourage my own self, and go with what I know, and forget the haters......

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly
to fly


I wish today it will rain all day
maybe that will kinda make the pain go away
trying to forgive you for abandoning me
praying but I think I'm still an angel away
angel away, yeah strange in a way
maybe that is why I chase strangers away
they got their guns out aiming at me
but I become near when they aiming at me
me, me, me against them
me against enemies, me against friends
somehow they both seem to become one
A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood
they start coming and I start rising
must be surprising, I'm just summising
I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher
more fire


I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly
to fly


Everybody wanna try to box me in
suffocating everytime it locks me in
painting they own pictures than they crop me in
but I will remain where the top begins
cause I am not a word, I am not a line
I am not a girl that can ever be defined
I am not fly, I am levitation
I represent an entire generation
I hear the criticism loud and clear
that is how I know that the time is near
so we become alive in a time of fear
and I aint got no muthaf-cking time to spare
cry my eyes out for days upon days
such a heavy burden placed upon me
but when you go hard your nay's become yay's
Yankee Stadium with Jay's and Kanye's


I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly
to fly


Get ready for it
get ready for it
get ready for it
I came to win
get ready for it
get ready for it
get ready for it
I came to win


I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive
I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise
to fly
to fly

My very favorite part is :  

Everybody wanna try to box me in
suffocating every time it locks me in
painting they own pictures than they crop me inbut I will remain where the top begins

cause I am not a WORD, 

I am not a LINE

I am not a girl that can ever be DEFINED

I am not FLY, 

I am LEVITATION.....

I just keep thinking.....that if I worry about what other people think, I will never be who I want to be....

Isn't it crazy that I don't eve know what that is?  LOL.....

Guilty Pleasures:

I had an egg sandwich the other night.  The DADDY used to make them for us when we were kids....it was the only thing that was going to retrieve me from a week of total sadness......

ARMS' Mailbox:

A friend posted a link on my page the other day....it meant a lot to me at the time, but it means ever more to me now that I am writing this blog and reflecting back on it....

Go For Long Walks 

Indulge in Hot Baths

Question your Assumptions

Be Kind to Yourself

Live for the Moment

Loosen up, Scream

Curse the World

Count your Blessings

Just Let Go, Just Be

CAROL SHEILDS

Fitness Status:

It took me all week to get back down to 142 lbs.  Obviously this could be water weight.  But I rode 120 miles, and ran 10 miles.  Which is a lot.  Most people who work and have children could never do this, but....I guess my point is if you fall off the wagon, climb back on and GO HARD!

Random Thoughts:

I love the Poke function on facebook, its so fun to virtually harass people.


LEGS and I went to the large bike shop in Nuremberg, its called Stadler.  I literally combed through all the women's clothing and found nothing I was impressed by, only to saunter over to the men's section and find all kinds of things that I like.  At the very least I am disappointed.  I think its a shame that I have entered yet another sport where I have to buy men's clothing.  I mean what gives? I used to beat up dudes all the time, which means they are not better athlete's.....


How come the ARMY always get's LEGS when he is clean and I always get him when he is dirty?


Just another day in the thoughts of an unlikely military wife.....**