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If people were meant to pop out of bed we'd all sleep in toasters. -Jim Davis
I like this quote because it is so hard for me to drag out of bed at 5am to go running, yet when I do, I feel so incredibly energized the rest of the day!
This week I have been extremely productive which is satisfying, but also has me thinking while doing all the menial tasks that life requires of us.
I love how I repeatedly say that I think about all kinds of stuff, but I do...there is always so many things bouncing around in my head that I find it hard to sit still, or sleep, or even cope especially recently in NEVER NEVER LAND.
Its not that I don't have friends, because I do. Its not that I don't have plenty to do, because I do. And when I logically sit down and think about it, I can't even exactly pin point the exact thing that has me feeling, like I am a satellite just floating aimlessly through space feeling happy one minute and incredibly sad the next.
I think....
That I am in desperate need of quality time with LEGS.
I know what some of you are thinking.....
You are thinking, seesh.....I can't believe she is complaining, I never get time with my husband. I respect that, but lately I have been thinking that even if I had a child, at least I wouldn't be so alone, so much.
And I have said....many times....and still stick by it....that I really don't mind being alone, I really don't, I am pretty good about entertaining myself.
But on Friday night when LEGS got home, I found myself being drawn to him on the couch and curling up like a cat in his lap because, I just needed that unconditional affection, that you can ONLY receive from those that are REQUIRED to LOVE you. I needed it so much that I was in his lap 3 or 4 times and could not peel myself away.....
I just needed that touch and comfort.
I don't like to cry. I hate it. And I really hate when people see me cry. But I have been on the edge of tears so much lately....
My vulnerability has been fueled by my obscene insecurity over things that I still don't fully understand or comprehend.
I wrote a blog awhile back, that was controversial in nature. Its caused me, LEGS and some of my friends incredible heartache. Feeling guilty, foolish, and embarrassed about the whole thing, I have been keeping a low profile blog wise, making grand gestures to re-gain the trust that I lost, and tip toeing through events in fear of upsetting anyone further.
I have spent hours retracing my steps, my words, my actions, asking, investigating, questioning all that has been said, all that has been done to perhaps see why I have received such backlash, and have come up with nothing. I even read the said controversial blog the Friday night, and feel it is one of better writings, which has been completely destroyed and has been responsible for my slow deterioration.....I feel like a witch that has been burned at the stake because I didn't pass some sort of ridiculous test.
All the GIRLZ have been asking me when I am going to have another STITCH and BITCH, because the last one was so much fun, but I haven't even felt like doing it, in fear that I will be opening the floor for more controversial topics, and the inability to withstand any attacks on my character.
I inadvertently lost my cell phone (as mentioned in the previous blog), so I put on my new number on facebook, and requested that my friends text me so that I have their numbers again, since they were obviously lost with the phone. Is it completely pathetic that only a few people texted me? Is that any indication of what my friend status is in NEVER NEVER LAND?
And MY GOD, how ridiculous I sound....boo hoo poor me I don't have any friends...nobody likes me....
But....how hard it has been on my soul.....
As a brave, proactive leap of faith, I decided to schedule a STITCH and BITCH. I felt that it would be a great opportunity to re-iterate its positive qualities and if any negatives became apparent it would be squashed verbally by me and indicative of the atmosphere I breed.
Before the STITCH and BITCH even convened, it was clouded by a warning in official capacity....along with the mention of blogs......as places where negative behavior was condoned and accepted......
Its times like these where I feel like an epic failure. Where I question and wonder about myself, about my motives and wonder how I even got as far as I did in my life...
I mean how could a negative person accomplish all that I have accomplished? How could a negative person manage a successful marriage, box, work with troubled youth, attempt to learn another language, bounce back from the tragic death of a friend, or survive.....
I decided Friday night, that I needed a cocktail, because sometimes....the answer is right in front of you....just keep on drinking.......
I attempted to grasp what I desperately needed from LEGS as well...but he was too tired to give it to me.......
On Saturday....
I woke up feeling reassured and confident. LEX came to me in my dreams....he was his old self, and I started to feel like I used to. More confident, secure....untouchable......he must have known how terrible and pathetic I have been feeling lately...he must have seen me crumbling....
I briefly spoke to his sister and she really cheered me up, she really took my mind off they way that I had been feeling.......
Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. -Sidney Madwed
But....my temporary relief was crushed.....
The day just didn't go well.
LEGS was in a fowl mood because he didn't have his bike. While he sulked on the couch, he made me feel worse and worse for doing the errand of running our bikes to the bike shop, without meeting his expectations of a timely return.....and....I didn't have my bike either.....after watching him stomp around...I finally challenged him....why didn't he just go get his bike if he wanted it? So he did.....he called the bike shop and picked up his bike early.
I am a firm believer in having what you want, when you want it, but I felt that my selfless and challenging errand was completely void, when LEGS picked up his bike....I mean why did I go through all that trouble???
And didn't LEGS want to spend time with me? Couldn't he tell that I am really struggling right now? And let's face it, we weren't really fighting about the bike, or the blog, or any of the trivial things that were brought up.....it was all about my insecurity....
Its hard for me to admit I am needy, I try to be low maintenance, but did I really have to SPELL OUT THAT I was feeling this way??? I have been saying all kinds of things that aren't like me, I have been crying WAY more than I usually do....wasn't it kind of obvious???
I could tell that he had started to feel guilty about his tantrum because when he came home he buttered me up by doing a few chores around the house and assured me that I could 'out' his behavior in the blog.....he also re-confirmed his love for me, which I appreciate, but then he had to leave again.
To drown the feeling of abandonment in my time of need, I took a nap. When I woke, I got dressed, put some make up on. I had to pull myself together for a STITCH and BITCH I didn't even want to have. And then.....
I couldn't find my engagement ring. Nothing like feeling pitiful and then losing something precious and symbolic........
When things like this happen I get really worked up about it.....did you know that one of the WIVES of an APOLLO 13 Astronaut lost her wedding ring down the drain the week before he was scheduled to go to space?
This was such a bad omen......I started to panic and search the house top to bottom. I tried to focus on preparing for STITCH and BITCH, but I just couldn't get it together, I wanted to cry, cancel the event, and GO HOME, back to ALASKA, where I have true, faithful friends, where people love me, where people know me, when I can just go down the street to The Mommy's house and have a glass of wine, I can watch the news with The Daddy, and Laugh and Fight with my SISTERS, Go to the boxing gym where I have rough, tough, trash talking friends and a COACH that make me rougher, tougher, and stronger every day.....and sleep, wake, work, and play in a world of SECURITY.....
I want to be seen as strong. I want to be a leader. So I pulled it together and as soon as the first GIRLZ showed up, I started to feel better. One GIRLZ Mommy brought me an ORCHID....and for an few hours I felt like I had my MOM around....what is it about Mom's that give off that vibe of security and willingness to let you cry on their shoulder? (Not that we use it, but just that its there is comforting in itself)
STITCH and BITCH is a team building function that I came up with- once a month the WIVES meet, we knit or crochet-and we teach those who don't, we have wine, coffee, desserts etc., and we BUILD OUR TEAM for WHEN the BOYZ DEPLOY, its great and I have an amazing group of gals to LEAN on....
And since MY event was addressed in an official capacity this is me acknowledging in an official capacity the content in our session last night;
STITCH and BITCH Minutes:
Knitting/Crochet
Child Rearing
Sex
Survivial
Husbands and their annoying habits
Food/Wine
Home
Travel
Language
All positive and "non-rumor spreading" topics.
LEGS found my ring this morning. But promptly left for a bike ride.....
So for most of the day today....I have been thinking.....about the people that have been "affecting" me lately.......and the conclusion that I have come to is this;
How surprising it is to me that men can be so selfish, and can live their lives in such a way that allows for not other commitments, responsibilities, or even the slightest consideration for others, and then run around to those that have everlasting commitments, many responsibilities and consider others always, criticizing, attacking, and living an existence that can only be interpreted as pitiful, sad, lonely.....
I spent the rest of the afternoon with some girlfriends at the Spa. I suspect LEGS wanted me to be at home waiting for him. But I needed to feel love, I needed comfort.
While I was floating in the salt pools, and letting the jets run over my body....my soul started to shine........and I started to feel empowered...I dug down deeper....then I have ever had to.....to be my own hero, and save my own self.....
Sometimes........
If, for whatever reason, you can't 'feel the love' that you need.....
You need to LOVE YOURSELF......
This is me.....trying to LOVE myself more.....and be my own hero, and save myself......
Random Thoughts:
I have 6 friends in NEVER NEVER LAND, two of them are pending but I have 6 friends.
I am getting old, I know this because I had to take an ALEVE fro my knee and a Vitamin B to avoid an afternoon nap.
I find it necessary to actually schedule time to relax.
Sometimes being strong means being kind.
Spending time with girlfriends is imperative.
We are all worms......but I do believe I am a glowworm. -Winston Churchill .*)
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