Dear LEGS: Do you think we PAY for LOVE?**

Dear LEGS
061112
Day 35


A LETTER:


The price we pay for love is grief- Elizabeth


I stared at the painting I made of you today....I stood there looking at it for a long time.....after awhile I decided to get moving....my passing thoughts as I walked away was that was the closet I have felt to you since you left.....just gazing at my recreation of you, the way I always think of you in my mind...

It makes me sad that I am already forgetting you....all your little habits, quirks, all the facial expressions you make....I'm forgetting what it feels like to be touched, and held.....and these things are so important to a person's make up.......


I physically feel as if one side of my heart is growing larger.....larger in the sense that I am becoming more thankful for the little things in life, larger because though I knew it not possible under these circumstances....I have more love to give you.....but its shrinking on the other side, the side that controls who I am as a person, what kind of emotional state I am in, and because when your gone it feels almost impossible to love myself.....

I feel insecure all the time.  Vulnerable in the worst and brutally desperate way.  I second guess everything I do.  I worry all the time.  I wonder more often what people think of me and I have become increasingly paranoid about ridiculous, frivolous, imaginative sentiments......

I fall into bed at night feeling lonely, cold and sad.....I desperately cling to Karmella for warmth and company......Every single shift in the universe has me up in the middle of the night, a phone call, a skype notification, sometimes its not a thing that I can determine, just my eyes shoot open and I wonder if everything is alright.....I lay in bed alone and listen to the train rush through the middle of town....nobody to know that I heard it, no other witness to find comfort in that sound....


My dreams are a cruel joke.......they taunt me with things that I want and can't have, or feelings that I wish I could feel, or being touched but not physically drawing any satisfaction from it.....but....even in my dreams I know....that I am going to wake up to reality......


I rise in the morning and I feel as if I haven't slept a wink.....


Our conversations are so interrupted and bizarre.....it doesn't even feel like we are the same people....I write so that you still know me, I write so that you know my thoughts I write because I love you so much.....and though I was wishing and hoping for a seamless return- that has been dashed with the recent events and my adverse reaction to it.....

Every once in awhile especially when things are heavy it helps to watch or experience something that gives us hope.....or to remember that our love is powerful......That even in our minds.....we will die believing....believing that we were star crossed, destiny realized, fate accomplished, soul mates in true love......


I am working on my faith.....even if I question it and worry that my wishes and hopes may not turn into a reality, I wake up every day believing whole heartedly, that you will return, that we will make it through this......because I can't answer the big questions, I turn to faith.....because thats all I have found there to be......


There is this one thing that I question, it nags me, and harasses me in the back of my mind.....its the premise that when good things happen, we thank the UNIVERSE, and when bad things happen we pray to the same ENTITY.....and we speak of being strong and getting through this.....which in our minds was sent from the same thing that we thanked for all of our luck before.....doesn't that seem so foolish?


I need something to hope for, to be inspired about, I need more of your presence in my life....I feel as if I am spinning aimlessly through the world, I am playing with fire to feel alive, and in the between times I feel numb and apathetic....please don't tell me that this is the cost....the cost of the LOVE we have been lucky enough to share between us......perhaps it is.....perhaps.....the price we pay for LOVE is GREIF.....


LEGS....do you think we PAY for LOVE?  Do you think that this is the COST of our romance?

LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**