061612
Day 40
A LETTER
Love seeketh not itself to please, nor for itself hath any care, but for another gives its ease, and builds a Heaven in Hell's despair.
-William Blake
I had such a good day at boxing.....it was a reflection of how hard I have worked and how far I have come. I came home to a full house....we had a small BBQ for the WIVES....it made me happy to laugh, share, eat, and hold babies.....it also felt good to have a few cocktails for the first time since you left.....
BUT.......
Then you called me.......and you seemed to be falling apart......you were falling apart....
I can't begin to tell you.....that sometimes I feel as if my deployment life has become one of large quantities of mini-crisis's......
So.....I wrote this piece in a panic.....
I wonder.....sometimes....about how things work.....it seems as though our blissful days are long gone.....and now the grim reaper follows me everywhere.....the days seem longer, harder and more jading......
I have been feeling like I am paying to whatever, whomever, wherever, whenever, however.....for this INCREDIBLE LOVE we share......we always PAY MORE....for LOVE......
We are taught that we pay for our "sins"......it has me wondering.....if there is actually 8 deadly sins instead of seven. Pride. Sloth. Wrath. Gluttony. Envy. Greed. Lust. Seven.
Do you think LOVE....is a sin too? Because your killing me man.......it seems like I pay more for LOVE than I do any other virtue or sin in my life........more for LOVE, always MORE for LOVE....
The LOVE that we share....romantic LOVE. Every time you leave I feel like parts of me die. I feel angry, desperate, lonely, I feel quicker to hate, more guarded, defensive.....scared and scared of myself....these dues are so heavy.....I feel like they warp who I am......
Familial LOVE.....most of the families I know can't be honest, don't speak to one another, don't help and support each other the way they should.....and they ALL have sinister secrets that bleed out into every body's lives....manifesting some dysfunction and issues we attempt to change or avoid.....
A mother's LOVE.....isn't it really selfish at the end of the day? Yes....she loans her body out for nine months, and spends YEARS if not her ENTIRE life, nourishing, nurturing and caring for this person.....but so many people I know are not thankful for their parents.....and if they are it is always much too little too late.....when you have a child....and trust me I fantasize all the time of doing so....I think of happy times- a rewarding relationship that I cherish in life......but what happens when your child disappoints you? hurts you? or neglects your relationship?
What are you willing to pay for LOVE?
Money. Time. Work. Distance. Transition. Uncertainty. What about a burden? The kind of burden that a human with a conscience could never recover from?
What are you willing to pay?
What about a LIFE or Situation that will go with you to the grave?
LOVE.....is about personal gratification.....giving it and receiving it....so....are you willing to give LOVE no matter the cost? Even if it means that person will never be able to return it? Or give it to you how you need it? What if you fall in love with somebody and they become so damaged they are no longer the same person....what about then?
When somebody is going through something so horrible and all you want to do is hug them and comfort them and LOVE them.....is that what YOU want....is that what YOU need to feel better about yourself or....is it really for them?
Maybe every couple has a sin....something dark...something they just can't overcome....having a child, cheating, death, guilt, greed....maybe every couple....goes through life together with this one sin or obstacle that forever changes the relationship.....since humans are so complicated....is it that far fetched to believe every couple has an obstacle or secret or darkness between them....?
Maybe at the end of the day our relationships are the sum of all the flaws....all those imperfections that other people would discard you for from the very beginning...maybe what makes us work is the very same thing we would break off and disapprove from complete strangers...
This month of death is challenging all of my logic, all of the things I thought I knew and understood about life.....its exhausting trying to understand things that are not be understood....
Those days or nights where you just have to sit and feel the pain....there is nothing you can take, or say or do, nobody that could offer up the comfort that is necessary to dampen the blow....when you must just sit and feel it.....
I swear that I have never felt so low in my entire life.....I woke up tell myself to dig deep, but my conscious mind kept telling me there was NOTHING left to GRAB......my psyche could not overcome this incredible emotional storm we both are going through..... I scare myself when I am like this.....we scare me when we are like this.....
I will have you know....that I CLING tenaciously to you and us and our love when I feel this way.....I think its because we BOTH KNOW....that we would LITERALLY GO TO HELL AND BACK FOR EACH OTHER.....so.....at the end of this....while we might be damaged, old beyond our years, weepy, guarded, a little crazy......we will surely accept each other, be these things together, hear, understand, empathize, sympathize and LOVE hungrily at the dark parts of ourselves......
Here's to the darkness in our future......because I am willing to go to HELL and BACK as long as I am with you......
I LOVE YOU TO INFINITY FOR ETERNITY.....
BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
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