...I want to be a boy....**

020714
tminustwonights

I still haven't figured out a way to feel sexy or be sexy....I am such an awkward girl!   


Go figure! Its your last week home, our last week in a normal living situation and I am.......riding the crimson wave.....its been shark week....aunt flow came to visit.....miss dot is here....on my cycle, on the rag, having my period....

And I hate it....

The week prior............I feel like I want to morph into Carrie and unleash hell on earth ...everything with the exception of Karmella just needs to do itself a favor and DIE...you poor thing.....you just look at me and I want to explode....or maybe just choke you.....I'm sorry.......

The apathy...oh, the apathy....I can't believe how much I just don't care.  I don't care about peoples feelings, or your feelings.....I don't even care about my own feelings.......I shouldn't be allowed to live I swear......

The emotional response to fill the black hole that has seemingly opened up inside of me begins with horrible food choices....chocolate I just can't stop eating chocolate....the other day I was able to fight the urge to gorge myself with chocolate by eating an entire brick of brie cheese....and I didn't give a $%#@...not one iota did I care about my body, or my weight.....its just so uncharacteristic of me......

In the deep, deep, depths of my stupor....I search inside myself for the reasons I feel such....rage.......and can find no logical cause or explanation. ...I'm just driving down the road wondering why I can't seem to like my music and sing along, why it hurts to smile, why I just want to be alone in my melancholy world.....why on earth people's mere existence annoys the frick out of me........and can find no logical reason for my disdain......

So I tell myself.....maybe after a good workout I will feel better, ya know maybe if I hurt myself my weird need to hurt others will dissipate.....so there I am, busting my ass trying to get a sweat going....but I can't sweat...I mean I get a few beads here and there but nothing like what I am used to....I look around...and everybody else is sweating their asses off....and usually this workout would make me too.....But..........NOPE....my body just holds onto that extra water because there is nothing more ego inflating than the two kilos of pooch I get the honor of wearing for an entire week....

Can we just not talk about my weight?  Its only important if I have a fight, which sometimes I do and....its like what are my options?....starve? Don't drink water?  Knife off the opportunity to fight?.....so lame being limited by my lot in life....

But mostly its a pain.....if everybody thinks I am crazy its because I am....I have had the experience where.....there was a leak....try in Junior high or high school....walking with my friends jacket tied around my waste because- I was too cool for school or my personal favorite leaving the wonderful mark of womanhood on the couch for my father to discover....

How does a person live normally when they are are unrelentingly paranoid about these kinds of issues- do you know what its like being paranoid about the condition of your pants!?  Every single second wondering if you have sprung a leak all over your clothes and every body else can see it but because you decided to be normal for a second you let the ball drop and sprung a leak.......

Last night before bed.........

I was screaming expletives from the bathroom......While I was attending to my condition....and frustrated with the adhesive tabs and there lack of functioning properly on my "adult diaper"....

I crunched, swished and rustled into the bedroom.....my sexy adult diaper wearing swagger......and said to LEGS:

"I want to be a boy.

He laughed at me and said "NO. You don't."

Me: "YES. I DO.  I am sick of living in this undignified state.....I have an adhesive tab stuck to my thigh....and it will remain there for the rest of the night....because its the second diaper I have tried to attach successfully....."

LEGS: "You wouldn't like it if you were a boy."
Me: " Why the hell not!?! Why wouldn't I like it?"

LEGS: "You wouldn't like having balls and "wenis" between your legs.....its really a lot of work.

Me: "How so?"

LEGS: "Well imagine having very sensitive things hanging between your legs....you have to watch how you sit...."

Me: "So?  Are you telling me you have sat on your own ball?"

LEGS: "Ya.  That is why guys are always adjusting themselves....."

Me: "I don't think it would be that hard to be careful when I sit down."

LEGS: "Well you wouldn't like the danger either."

Me: "Danger?  There is more danger in being a boy?"

LEGS: "Ya don't you know...the mortality rate of boys is greater than girls?

Me: "Ya but....I always thought that was as a result of smarts.....you know....girls are smarter than boys so they die less often."

LEGS: "And the fear.  Boys feel fear differently than girls and that fear would change how you are tiff"
Me: "Maybe......"

As LEGS drifted off to sleep I laid in bed and thought about it......I am still NOT convinced I don't want to be a boy.....I think I would be one helluva a dude......

I am going to miss these conversations....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**