....the food we eat.....**

02072014

tminusoneday 

Beloved LEGS,

You think I am sleeping....but I'm not.  I hear you down there cooking up some bacon and eggs....pulling out two plates.....you always leave my breakfast on the kitchen counter...I know I will be forcing myself to eat every morning, because you tell me that I need to be BIG and STRONG for boxing...nothing is ever as satisfying when your not around.......

and last night while you were sleeping....I was treasuring you....there next to me.....there was just enough light in the room to illuminate your profile....and every time the pulsing light would gloss over you...I would smile..you would breathe in.....and then I breathed when you breathed....

I cannot tell you how peaceful in my soul that made me feel....that at that moment at that time, we were perfectly in sync....it didn't matter to me that it may be awhile before that happens again....all that mattered to me was having that memory...its one of those snapshots that I shall think up on often...especially when I am scared, or sad, or for whatever reason feeling weak.....

 

.....here we are again.....Karmella is nervously pacing the house, your bags are being packed and getting ready to go.....the whole house and my entire brain are turned upside down......and my heart is breaking.....

People often say the worst pain  experienced in life is quickly forgotten....or isn't it?    Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult if I can't remember how hard it was the last time....I have decided the only way we will survive and come out on the other side of this.....the only way our marriage will withstand these frequent and horribly long  absences is if we stay together.....NO MATTER WHAT.....but I guess that's what this is....isn't it?  

We finally managed to recreate a fragile connection...didn't we? I wish that it was easier....and that reconnecting with you took a shorter amount of time...that I could some how change the hours and moments it takes to feel like we are us again...like I am me again......don't you?

I wonder sometimes....if I just love pain.  If maybe I enjoy the lingering burn.....and break.....and then the suffocation, the heaviness and the isolation.  Maybe I secretly wonder how much I can take.....how much we can take....don't you?

The other day at Coffee one of the ROSIE GIRLS announced she was pregnant...such a happy miraculous thing....naturally a wave of jealously came over me because I had hoped for a family for us by now.....but with all the uncertainty I just can't stand it...

..I was then sobered by the thought that.....she will be pregnant and then have the child and the baby will be 6 months old before he or she ever meets his or her father.......is it selfish that I don't want that kind of story?  Or isn't it?  My admiration for her bravery is boundless.....how come I can't bring myself to be that brave? Or can't I? 

Is it fear that dictates my choices.....how defeated I feel by admitting....that with my first child I want....more than that.  I want you here......next to me....I want for my child....a healthy beginning in life.....and the picture of health is not me with without you.....or isn't it? I'm sorry but after all I have been through....I just want one thing, especially for another person's existence to be untouched by war.......how Utopian of me to entertain such thoughts....and slightly dire.....

....I didn't sleep well last night...I was too busy smiling at your face.....so I am tired today, a faint version of myself....I want to be sad and gloomy and spend the whole day sad and sorry for myself....but the rebel inside is telling me I need to make today perfect for you.....beginning first with some caffeine...and second with some cooking and baking....sometimes I feel like the food we eat is the only control I actually have over our lives......

 

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**