021514
beloved LEGS....
I find you. The whole world becomes you, when your gone. I find your kindness in Dario. I find the one I love to travel and be goofy with in Court. I find the your ability to push me and be honest when I am not challenging myself enough in Coach Rob....I find you in the man I want to be beautiful for, I find our belly laughs in the kids at the boxing gym, your ability to control my mood with music, your ability to stand on my side from Kelsey. The one I want to treasure in Keri. The want I want to try hard for in Coach Igor. The one I want to encourage and support in any way possible in Deniel and Christian. The one I root for in Kaybear. The one I share comfortable silence with in Rachel. My confidant and empathy in Megan. My Uncle Stevie cracks me up.....and I know its something you would crack up at too! I find your unconditional love and companionship in Karmella. I find my cheer in Mariannae. I find the nerd in my Daddy and the cheerleader in my Mommy. My friendship and sounding board in the Rosie Girls. I find you in everything I do. But I never find the HERO.....
.....my boredom and seeming boundless amount of time you have left me with has turned into a type of cleaning mania.....I have cleaned every single inch of this house for a week straight! I was thinking it is now ready for anything that could happen....a move, a deployment, visitors, or any emergencies that should arise....that's a completely dark thought, but a lesson I've learned the hard way....
........my closet is like a map of our lives.....that Echo Recon Sweatshirt is our first memories of yesteryear......the shirt I was wearing to the air show the day of our first date....can't go wrong with red/pink and orange camo....I remember saying this is the camoflauge we should wear when we go after Osama Bin Laden......so much has changed even he has died and he was so hard to find....the dress I wore for the last ball, our wedding reception, Emily's graduation.....I was big, I was small, I was confident, I was sad, I was angry, I was sick, and you loved me all those times.....has anything even ever changed at all?.....or is it ONLY US????
......maybe the only thing in life that ever changes is YOU as a person.....maybe everything else continues and circles....you deal in the same trouble ever single round and if you do well....you change so the next time it comes around....you can handle it....... maybe life is just like....a cyclic of never ending problems and issues....but they are always....basically the same.....
...I am feeling exceptionally.....OLD....maybe.....I have made too many circles around the sun?
First it was falling down at boxing.....TWICE.....in a week.......
Then it was the cleaning.....usually when I decide to clean....like really deep clean the house....I will knock it out in three days...no sleep....just get it done....
It took me a week.....I donated every single free second I had to cleaning.....but sometimes I would lay down on the floor and just rest for fifteen minutes....and sometimes I would decided I needed a nap and lay down for 45 minutes......
I have been oscillating....between overcompensation and apathy......I have said things I would never say in an effort to try to forge a relationship that will complete me the way you do.....and I have found the smallest....well some big things.....to dislike or be frustrated with the new people in my life.....I guess I am learning that I really have changed living in Europe for so long.....my attitudes and beliefs toward some common American practices and at times the American attitude to be so irritating that my patience and compassion toward people is frugal to say the least....
....the high highs are really high, spending time with the box team, the German neighbors, and friends are my happiness, but when those times aren't going well or all the in between times....I feel strange and a little blue......I just operate completely different when your are not around.....no wonder its so hard when you return.....
....Just another 5 days worth of unstable thoughts from an unlikely military wife.........
No comments:
Post a Comment