020814
Beloved LEGS,
yesterday was hypnotic...every emotion captured me with a death grip....moments of extreme joy and love, moments of low, low sadness....flashes of irritation and frustration, moments of shutting down or slowing down to really be sure it was all happening...
sometimes before you leave....I slink away from you.....you know how sometimes you drive somewhere and then later on you realize you can't even remember the drive because you were disconnected....there is a psychological term for it, its when you dissociate....people often do it during times of distress...some even describe it as leaving their bodies....this happens to me...its such a bullshit coping mechanism....but the instinctual habits I have somehow created...deem my survivability the most important....I wonder sometimes if deep deep deep way deep down.....we do by whatever means necessary fight to survive however possible.....
....you took me upstairs....laid me down on the bed....and loved me....even though I was sad....and stubborn......and terrified to be close to you one last time....you gave me beautiful compliments and Hollywood kisses in the kitchen, you danced with me when a love song came on.......and you hugged me.....a lot......its every girls dream that every day be like yesterday....
....I felt every single emotion and I meant to, I forced myself to feel on purpose, if I was sad I allowed myself to cry, but I didn't always show you, if I felt love for you, its the most pure uncorrupted love I have ever felt, if I felt vulnerable and weak, I clung to you and laid myself bare.....
....but its today now.......
....I am already exhausted...carrying the weight and anxiety of keeping a schedule and operating normally while your away......after the lame attempt at sleep I feel like a zombie.....so its like being tired, on top of being sad, on top of feeling empty.....we left under night fall....the stars were out and the glimmering lights from little German towns shimmered between the trees.....I hoped on all of it that we can both be strong enough.....
the glorious sunrise was not to be enjoyed because it was at our backs....it was hard today. I swear I saw your heart break when you said goodbye....it was at that moment that I began to cry....as secretly as I could......I watched you until I couldn't see you anymore.....I think sometimes I stay so long just to believe its really happening......
Once you were out of sight....I cracked like a china doll...I looked up and had the thought.....that your the only one who can make me cry like that....I took a deep breath and felt the urgency to hurry through that feeling....I walked in the airport like the beautiful possession of a gentlemen.....and left a warrior queen.....suddenly every detail of every person, every corner, every sign, every car, every single sense was in full capacity, in full spectrum.....from here on out its a battle every single day....
.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
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