Day 12
beloved LEGS...
the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”
― Jack Kerouac
Do you ever look around at the people your with and think......who are these people? And then one of them says something and you feel like.....an alien who was accidentally put on the wrong planet? Or maybe like a human who was put into the future or the past? Like the conditions of this current situation physically affect you, the confusion bewilders you and you do not have the tools necessary to comprehend or deal......I feel this....all the time when you are gone....like....I can't breathe....or understand the language, and I am so dumbfounded....that I can't even pretend to act normal so I kind of sit there with a dumb look on my face....or sometimes I look down to avoid being discovered....or sometimes I just have to escape......
and then as soon as I get home, in my world, on my planet, I feel......so much better......weightless, safe, and relieved.....
It frightens me how much of a loner I can really be.....I get worried about losing my ability to interact with the world, and with people.....I worry that it could be permenantly damaging to me.....that being said.....I find everything I am doing so specialized and different that I hardly have anything in common with people......
Am I that weird? I listen to all the chatter, and the events and circumstances of other peoples lives and I feel.....terribly misfit......I have no way to interact or contribute to the things that are being experienced and shared......I feel old beyond my years.....the things people are talking about seem....so trivial and.....shallow.....I try really hard to formulate depth and hold a meaningful conversation with them and I am disappointed.
Is that all there is? People have the opportunity to change the world and leave a mark, a legacy, to never be forgotten.....and these are the things that they are doing? These are the things they are talking about.....or what's worse....when they say nothing......Is there more? Tell me there is something more! Do I intimidate people or must I instruct them to give me something real, something deep and meaningful? .....I want depth.....I want someone to capture my attention and hold it.....why do I feel so lost in translation? Why do I feel so hungry for stimulation.....for conversation.....for hope.......?
I flock to Mariannae, the CrossFit gym, and the box team like....a child to candy because they nourish my spirit with maturity, intellect, and sapience.....because my life is enriched and I learn and I don't feel like an alien any more when I am with them. But still.....the support I seem to need in order to handle and deal with decisions and obstacles in my every day life are......too much for me to ask of these people.....my need to chat and speak and over think with a sounding board......about what I should do and what the right decision is.....anxiously is left only....to me.......
And when I am disappointed by someone...or a conversation, or time spent.....I get really low, and feel really strange.....I rock back forth trying to decide in a panic how I can feel better. I constantly questions myself, my thoughts, and my attitudes.....holy crap! Is it me? Am I just another judgmental elite bitch? Or I rationalize.....that I am rare, different, and for all intents and purposes....
I AM ALIEN........or....at the very least.....MAD......
....just another day in the life of an unlikely military ALIEN....**
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