050712
Day 1
A Letter
Days should speak.....
It was only our last days together that I really started to panic, and unravel at the seams......
I started feeling like we should live more recklessly......I had thoughts like "Tonight I want to open a bottle of nice wine....expensive wine, because if we don't open it tonight.....when will we?" I desperately clung to each moment that was pleasurable and winced in pain at the ones that drew first blood......
I stumbled badly over simple, easy conversations....
"Did you like that curry? I got medium but I definitely think next time I should get hot...."
"I think we can handle hot..."
In my mind: probably won't be making curry for LEGS any time soon....
"Well.....I mean.....I can make it hot when you get back.....we have lots of medium left so.....or I can get hot now......and make it before you go if you want......speaking of which do you have anything you would like me to make....?"
In my mind: Great Tiff, way to make a guy feel like he is being put in the electric chair.....talk about the last meal and then the last walk.....
After these moments comes the inevitable awkward silences.....where due to the fact that there is no future plans or options while we are side by side we cease discussions......
But sometimes that magic would sneak out and it would feel like normal again.....like the night we caught the train to Bad Windsheim, and we were running late on account of me, so we ran to catch the train, you ran ahead to get tickets and I tried to keep up with you but I couldn't......
I remember watching you run up ahead of me and thinking that very simply this is what it feels like.....it feels like I have to slow down my pace....do less, go slower, so that when you get back it was like a commercial break, and you......well you have to run ahead to save the day just like in the comic books......
Sometimes I think of war.....I think that since you are running ahead and saving the future....I worry that you are toying with the sequence of events....causing this wrinkle in time, and some how altering our fate.....We have this amazing past, I have to remain in the present, and you must sneak away to the future, I can only hope and pray in the present, that you find your way back from the future and that our destiny isn't affected.....
I have to talk myself down a lot. I start thinking this way and I start feeling anxious.....I start to get upset or feel like I am going to lose it and I mentally chat myself down from the ledge.....
Its not that I don't want you to go.....I look around the base and I see the same thing on every soldiers face.....I even joked with you and said...
"Every soldier on this base has the same expression on their face...."
"What is that?"
"A mixture of fear and cock and balls...."
We laughed.....
I understand that you are a unique man, one that I am attracted to because of this alpha trait.....you have honor, commitments, and this duty you must satisfy, so I know that you need to go.....I don't mind you going- I just want the guarantee that you are coming back......but.....I can't have that.....
I think about death.....about life......I ask myself the riddle "What is it?" What is the balance? How come some of us get to walk the world longer than others? Some people would answer this question with "Choices" and I accept this answer, some of us make bad choices and pay the ultimate price.....but this application of concept does not apply to LEGS.....
I want to know, Mathematically, what is the equation to increase your chances of survivability? How many lives are we GIVEN? I think about the close calls I have had.....and they seem mediocre in comparison to others.....
I mean is it more or less depending on the person? While I type this I realize I sound completely crazy........and maybe I am, but I can't help but bargain with GOD or the UNIVERSE for your LIFE.....
I tell myself that if I am a good person, if I live a healthy life, if I don't curse, if I wear this necklace everyday, if I write to you every day, if I don't cut my hair, or give up sugar, surely.....I mean really surely....The Universe will be able to see inside my soul, and determine that I am pure of heart and bring you back safely to me....right?
Then I think.....what if this whole thing is a load of shit I do all this work and...and....you die?...ah sometimes how maddening and cruel life can be......
And then you do something.....you say something or you do something and I think to myself......even he believes in something....even he is a little crazy too......
I asked you to kill a spider the other night. You looked up at it on the ceiling and you said "It will live." You think you are so low profile sometimes.....but I saw it LEGS, I saw that bargaining you were doing.......
I asked you about the balance.....you said you think its a combination of luck and skill. So perhaps my silly superstitions are not as silly as I think? If I believe something brings me luck- and I cherish it- isn't that the same thing as believing in LUCK? I am wearing the wing necklace for luck.....I think of you and I touch it...and I feel a heart flutter....I pray for your safety.....
And skill......you are so right....I love it when you talk nerdy to me.....
This one time in my life.....I met goodbyes and transition with this cowboy bravado. I said goodbye casually, I left casually because I thought that SURELY I would see everybody again......well.....it didn't happen that way.....so now I am always asking myself if I am being REAL with the people that I LOVE.....am I showing enough emotion, or too much??? I wonder if I should have kept more back or let more out.....is it really acceptable to fall apart? Or is it better for you when I stay strong.....?
Everything I do is for you.......I spent time on myself......putting on your favorite under things....perfume....My USMC hoodie and US ARMY T shirt with sexy black leggings.....I thought to myself that my makeup is like my war paint....and dressing for a pep rally was the only way to shield myself from complete transparency....covering up the obvious heart breaking.....
Washing your uniforms......(heavy sigh).....I should have supervised better.....some of your shirts didn't get washed the way through....and they have this new plastic smell, but you said not to use fabric softner.....I hang them on the line with the sunrise while the day is still full of hope....and when I take them down at dusk......another day down.....the twilight is not far off.....I wonder if the neighbors saw the uniforms....I wonder if they know....how strange the line looks with just 10 full military uniforms on it....or...did they even notice? the birds are chirping and I think of how you call me "Birdie".....I think that this sound shall comfort me while your away, I think maybe the neighbors never noticed....maybe I washed the uniforms and line dried them without so much as one witness.....this delicate, dedicated act....the intimate moment when you know these uniforms are bright, stiff and new.....when they return will be faded, worn and old......same as the man inside them......
When in doubt......BAKE.......
I don't know why it just seemed like the right thing to do.....but I spent most of our last day together being Susie Homemaker for you....I told myself that I was being a dutiful military wife....taking on the classic traditional role of waiting and feeding you.....homemade chocolate chip cookies to take on your trip, your favorite dinner......I invited your friends who are alone right now......I can't even imagine being alone during this....
And I threw myself upon the hearts of these men who are to go into battle on my behalf....I search my whole existence for the right words....I think of dinner conversation that is appropriate for the LAST SUPPER....and if there is a GOD what did Jesus and his Disciples talk about?
The next time we all intervene again circumstances could be drastically different and no one person will be the same after this experience......
I am with you.....finally......skin on skin.....I try so hard to focus on you and all the little details.....but there is this nagging wound and our last intimate moments are slashed and scarred by the reality of dawn......
LEGS.....its all for you....heaven is a place on earth with you....
* for those of you in Europe or other parts of the world where this video won't load- I highly recommend this song....
LOVE ON YA......BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
No comments:
Post a Comment