Day 9
051512
A LETTER
"Black is real sensation, even if it is produced by entire absence of light. The sensation of black is distinctly different from the lack of all sensations." - Hermann von Helmholtz
I don't care that its silly....and I know that I am half crazy....but....I can't help, when your away, to give more value to silly rituals, omens, superstitions, and beliefs.....I even scare myself sometimes into thinking I may have OCD.
I am definitely half-cracked for even sharing these thoughts with you and in public. Oh for the love....you already know that I am certifiable....
You know those shrines on the side of the road?....usually they are to mark the place where somebody passed....? Have you ever seen anybody putting stuff out there? Because I never have.....but I saw it the other day.....
It was a gorgeous, sunny, clear blue sky and HOT day....I was rippin' down B13 in the tank.....and I saw a lady.....she had flowers in her hand and after I passed she crossed the road and started putting the flowers next to the mark.....I looked at her through my rear view mirror and winced at the sudden pain in my heart......I turned down the music and slowed way down.....the afterthought was if something happened to you.....
I also started thinking about the wing necklace you gave me to wear.......Its a black crystal.....so I started wondering what a black crystal means.....because you know some hippies think that crystals mean something........hold on a second....I was thinking that I have become a hippy.....when did that happen? I have a garden, I believe in clean eating, I'm athletic, and I knit.....so weird, when I thought of myself at 29 when I was young- I NEVER saw hippy.....Okay so back to the black crystal.....
I started wondering if my little ritual of putting it on everyday is a good omen or a bad one....based on the crystal....actually this probably won't surprise you but I was on the phone with SISSY and she looked it up and this is what we found.....
Black Energy
Black is not a color, strictly speaking. It is the absence of all color. When people speak of opposites, it is usually in terms of black and white. Black, and its opposite white, represent polarities. Black absorbs all aspects of light. While white reveals, BLACK CONCEALS. It has come to mean HIDDEN, FEARFUL or BAD EXPERIENCE. It is linked to the UNKNOWN OR THE UNSEEN.
Black around the GLOBE
-In Aztec culture, black represented war because black obsidian glass was used as the cutting edge of battle swords.
-In Chinese culture, black corresponds with the five, primary elements, and the four seasons. Black was associated with water, north, and winter.....(ME IN A NUTSHELL!)
In times of FEAR and UNCERTAINTY BLACK contains the energy of the THREATENING UNKNOWN. In a positive state, black is seen as a RESTFUL EMPTINESS into which ANYTHING may EMERGE and DISAPPEAR ONCE AGAIN. Its is also MYSTERIOUS, providing a sense of POTENTIAL POSSIBILITY...
Put some black in your life when you want:
-to become inconspicuous
-to open the door to mystery
-to prepare for the unknown
-a restful emptiness
Just so that during this letter I can prove that I am not TOTALLY out of MY MIND.....I found this to be a little unsettling at first but....then I started thinking about it in context....the actually words A RESTFUL EMPTINESS INTO WHICH ANYTHING MAY EMERGE AND DISAPPEAR is exactly how I feel when you are gone like this...I just suspend myself in life, its restful in the sense that I know I don't have to move forward because I won't without you...the emptiness is ever present....and I am never sure which ME is going to rise....
and isn't that WHY its so hard? We are in a gigantic state of the UNKNOWN.....
I also like that idea that ANYTHING is POSSIBLE....sometimes I think in GRANDER schemes when I think of how unique our lives truly are....with my boxing and your efforts in the military we are making history because we are living for something bigger than ourselves......and how many people can say that? How many people can say that they will have single handedly participated in an event that will be in history books?
As you already know, Mariannae's husband died many years ago. Today her and I had scheduled to put the Dahlia's in the front garden together. I could have done it myself but I always feel like I am in over my head when it comes to planting things right. I was out hanging laundry on the line when she called me over to the fence. She told me in german of course that her "man" died 21 years ago today.
The smile disappeared from my face in a hurry....
So she was going to put flowers on his grave and she may be late for our appointment. I am pretty sure that I just stood there for longer than I should have because my heart literally stopped pumping blood to my legs.....what do you say to something so forlorn?
Here I am at 29 years old, looking into the face of an older woman who has been widowed.....(do these topics come up normally!?!)
And there she is smiling at me, telling me that she will be late.....and I think.....no wonder she is so tough...and so kind and so giving.....that kind of loss, the loss that she has experienced is what makes her so special to me- because she has such compassion and empathy....she will never know how much I treasure her friendship....she will never understand how much she means to me....she even told me to tell my mom this morning "tell your mom not to worry because "Mariannae" will protect you..." Man....I don't know about you but I would not cross Mariannae in a dark alley....OR OTHERWISE.....
This made me think of you.....everything makes me think of you....while I spent hours doing back breaking work with Mariannae in the garden today....I was thinking how I don't mind the work, and how happy I am that I get to lead this life.....and even though being separated from you is so hard, and terrible and awful.....the life we lead is WORTH IT....that I am so lucky to have a man who provides for me....how fortunate I am to enjoy this life- and you risk your life to give it to me every day......
So what more can I say.....? This is me telling you that no matter what happens......I will make this life beautiful....something worth watching......and I am always in your debt, faithful and thankful....
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of unlikely military wife....**
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