Day 14
052012
A LETTER
"I love the man that can smile in trouble, that can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but he whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves his conduct, will pursue his principles unto death. " -Thomas Paine
Every time I tell a german where you are (honey! I am using OPESEC!) and for how long......the look of horror and disbelief on their face is so unsettling to me........They look at me with complete shock and they always ask....."HOW?"
I don't know how.....really.......And comparatively this deployment has been so much easier than the last......but its TIRING......we are two weeks down....two weeks has gone by fast....and slow......the nights are long......the nights always go slow......and they are always long.....
I always feel as if things are never how they should be.....something is just not quite right.... I can tell that things are not as happy, or funny, or sad, or scary, or perfect, or delicious, or satisfying.........everything is covered in this gray haze.....like a veil.....the emotions and feelings can be made out but not experienced clearly......
Yesterday I had boxing camp with the german females.....and you had your first flight......My stomach was in knots the whole day....and a few times I had to mentally block the urge to vomit........
Every time I actually thought about you flying or me sparring I felt sick to my stomach....I kept seeing myself as that girl that was throwing up in the bathroom...remember that girl the last time she was throwing up in the bathroom.....?
And when I did something good or when I felt tired or when I was hurt- I turned to you, to smile, or grimace, or for moral support.....but you weren't there.....and I had forgotten......I would look for you in between punches but you weren't there......you are always my biggest fan......I would stop feeling sorry for myself, I would focus on you and I would tell myself to fight.....to fight for you......
Hoffi was there. He is such a nice man. He said to me "how do you say in English....Camaraderie?" I said "Yes Camaraderie....." He told me that you and him are comrades, that he would do as you would do if you were here.....he told me this as he laced up my gloves......it was the perfect amount of assurance and comfort that I desperately needed.......but still I was wishing of you.....
Today I am upset with myself for being so anxious about sparring.....Can you imagine what it would have been like for a fight? I just kept telling myself to focus on you.....I would put you in the center of it all and think about what you would tell me to do, or how you would handle the situation......I would focus this energy on my opponent and I came out on top every time.....I was the stronger, quicker person who always answered last.......
I was so happy I did so well....that I couldn't wait to talk to you.....but then I remembered again.....its always hard having you gone.....and during the sad, sad times, I miss you and wish you were here, but its during these happy shining moments when I feel so utterly desperate for your companionship.....these moments are completely blurred, dim, and not quite as happy as they should be....these are the times that I feel sorry for myself......
And it only got worse.....I drove home by myself....it was this beautiful sunny day.....I just kept thinking about you and how much I miss you.....and hour and half later I had arrived home and was in a complete melancholy.......
I never feel this alone.....but I don't really want to talk to anybody either.....I think I have reached that point where....you know that if you talk to somebody else you are going to poison their water too......
Sometimes I think you are the only one who is proud of my boxing....your the only real support I get.....this makes me sad.....and I wish that I could call and chat boxing with more people....but I can't.......
And alas.....my weakest points....I do feel extremely left out being one of the very few spouses without children......
I seem to be present for all these tender moments....I can tell that having children during a deployment would make your bonds stronger to them......I feel terrible...but sometimes I just don't even want to expose myself to this heartache.... which means I minimize time with the people who understand me the most....
I can't begin to describe to you the feeling of complete envy, a deep longing to be a mother.....it puts me in the is place and gives me these feelings that are difficult to bear.......
I think of how lucky I am to be able to rip and run, how much easier it is for me to be free of the burden and the obvious heartbreak of having children during a deployment......in the end I always come to the same conclusion.....I would rather have a child.....I would rather have a reason to get up every day, a schedule, a routine......a person to care for.....since you have been gone....I miss being a caretaker.....I miss being a wife to you......
I attended this lecture the other day....and we had to answer all these questions......one of them was Imagine its 20 years from now- you are surrounded by the most important people in your life. Who are they and what are you doing?
Still not being totally sure that children are in our future, and not wanting to jinx our chances....the only for sure answer I could write is that I am WITH YOU.....and that we would live a life of happiness, adventure, travel, and I live close to my sisters.
And then this strange thing happened.....I imagined that you and I were bird watchers.......like the serious type. I have fixated on this fantasy and decided that when we are old, and maybe even as soon as you get back we should start watching the birds.....I even caught myself today watching the birds in the yard.....
and looking up what they are........
you might want to send someone to do an intervention.........
and I want a bird bath.......GIGGLES....
Anyways.....I figure....if you are fighting.....I should be fighting too......I am always fighting these feelings, always fighting the sadness, always fighting myself.....always fighting for you....always thinking STRONGER.....
LOVE ON YA- BIRDIE**
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**
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