.....FEAR rushes in....**

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beloved LEGS....

....I felt free.....a night with friends, the wind blowing in my hair and the music turned up......I was out so late I almost turned into a pumpkin.  I hurried off to bed knowing that I had boxing training in the morning...I felt....FREE......

.....remember how I said I feel like I live in a crystal ball? And that time stops when you are away? I can see life and it can see me but there is no depth.......well.....on Sunday.....LIFE came crashing through that crystal ball.....NEVER in all my days on this earth have I been so afraid of LIFE.....it has me backed into a corner and paralyzed with fear.....

....I can just sense that you and the others are in very real danger and every day you are fighting for your lives......my sleep has been broken, fitful, restless and panicked.....when everyone starts receiving medals and awards....I know its for showing bravery while defying the odds....

...but something else happened on Sunday......something that I could never have foreseen....

....At first it was just a picture.  A team mate in the hospital.....surely visiting a sick relative.  Then it was a second picture.  A team mate receiving a visit from her boxing trainer in the hospital.....surely from an injury obtained during training.......

And then there were questions......what is wrong?  Are you okay? How long are you in the hospital for?  To which the answers were devastating......"Tina Ina Gina" one of my regular sparring partners, a friend and a girl I very much like on the Bavarian Team has CANCER........

She has CANCER......CANCER.....she has CANCER.....I can't stop saying it because I don't believe I am even saying it.....

.....I spent most of Sunday a state of shock.......I felt like....I would not dare tell another soul because I could hardly say it out loud.....and when I did even think of it- I burst into tears......

.....I still cannot even believe it......

....Two weeks ago we both competed in the German International Championship.  We both won third place!  I punched her! I always punch her, because when Bavaria trains as a team her and I are always partners.  We were laughing and talking and spent the whole day watching the last day of the tournament.  You know her.  Her brother was in Afghanistan.  We sent him a package.  She's younger than me.....

.....I have always felt LARGER THAN LIFE.....that if you wake up and attack the day and do good, good will come back to you......but.....this news has me feeling so small........and powerless......and afraid......

....I can't seem to stop crying at the most inopportune times....LIFE with all its power to came rushing in.....it has me backed into the corner paralyzed with fear and begging for more time....

.....more time for her......more time for you.....more time for me......because its become suddenly apparent.....that I haven't had enough time to make the ones I love.....feel the way I want them to feel............I just need more time.....with her....with you....I have more love to give....and I need more time to give it....

......Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**