.....you rescue me....**

090614
beloved LEGS.....

....I have holed up in the house for the last five days acting like a complete teenager.....staying up late, sleeping in late, eating pizza and ice cream....spending hours on the phone....watching old movies....and feeling an adolescent sense of lost and immature.....I can't bring myself to leave the house and face the world without having some clue as to who I am and where I am going......

....I have really slumped.....letting go of any composure and dignity I had spending every day in my pajamas....and not taking care of myself.....its safe, predictable and easy in here......with the exception of my worry and annoyingly persistent questions about my direction....

....I keep telling myself I need this time....to decide....and that all the answers I seek will come if I am patient.....

.....and then.....just like that.....You rescue me.....

.....like a gentle kiss upon my lips....a surge of oxygen enters my lungs.....new life, rich new blood....an electric current jolting my heart....and words that fit perfectly into the emptiness and loneliness filling me up.....

.....and I rise.......

.....you know all the right things to say to stop the world from spinning.....amidst a hurricane you give me peace......

.....I understand the envy you possess to be physically present when I am daring to fail greatly....I understand the depth of your worry when I am taking such risk.....I also understand your eagerness to return to a less complicated woman.....and at the same time......your astounding desire to be sure that I have everything I ever dreamed of in my life......you said "I want you to picture your life when you are no longer boxing so that I can make that happen....."  if prince charming existed in real life I am sure it would be you.....

....did you know that more than anything in the world I wish I could be with you....that I worry every second of every single day and to the point it makes me physically, emotionally and mentally ill?  I wonder what kind of a man will come home to me.....how the anger and frustration and wounds you have endured will affect your conscious the rest of your life......I want to be everything you ever dreamed.....I want to be your protector, your safe place, your relief, and give you pure joy forever.....

....our love is amazing because....its like a mirror....it reflects itself.....

.....I still don't know what I am going to do.....but......I can say.......

.....that after having conversations with You.  With Kelsey. and with Mariannae.  The world seems to be a very out of control, scary place at the moment.  I can't help but think these types of conversations took place and happened at this time for a reason.  I am completely absolutely terrified of what you are dealing with and going through......and revelations from Kelsey about things she saw and went through and things she knows about coming from the U.S.  have me even more.....frightened and troubled....Mariannae grabbed me over the fence the other day crying....I think she is scared and worried too.....

.....I keep thinking.....that......if your fighting......and the people I love are fighting.....then I should be fighting too.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**