beloved LEGS....
...it shames me to admit....that there is a point in every separation where.....I feel like I don't even know you any more.....and despite having done this many times before its always shocking and painful to me....its the part where I feel like....I have been diagnosed with Cancer and I am starting to die......
it begins like this.....you will call, or we will facetime or skype, or we will message one another.....and we have absolutely nothing to say to each other......
You can't possibly understand or grasp the things that I am seeing and doing, or I feel this tension.....this jealously that any normal person would have in your position.....it makes me eliminate details....and all together stop telling you what normal every day life is like for me.....
....and though I question you about your life.....you tell me very little....and when pressed you become annoyed with me....and cold....so then we just stare at one another or wait on the line.....with only the silence and emptiness between us......
.....when we hang up.....I just sit there....feeling doomed.....and the dagger, or the arrow, or the bullet, pierce my heart.....beginning the slow....excruciating process of dying......yes.....dying.....this is the part where.....I hold on to the small tattered pieces of what's left of us....which are only pieces we have created in the past......but I panic because I know that we are no longer who we were or like we were.....and the future for us appears bleak....
....its usually after this point that you will say or do something that is so unlike you.....that I can only sit in shock and wonder what exactly happened to the man that left me here so many months ago....in this particular instance you gave up on me......a blind faith that you had in me and my abilities were taken from me......
....the mixture of abandonment, confusion, anger, sadness and hopelessness consume the both of us..........I am convinced my heart has started to blacken with this revelation....because I feel as though you finally see me..........as I see myself.....
.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**
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