....I look back....**

091014
beloved LEGS....

.....this week...its a full moon.....and the last two nights I have been in a restless state and missing you.....I fall asleep and then awake in the middle of the night....its a bizarre thing to be awake in the middle of the night and alone...the entire town is dark and asleep and there I am at the window or on the front porch sending wishes and hopes out into the universe....why does it always feel like the world listens better at night?  I wish with every molecule in my existence that you come back to me......and that I am the woman you deserve.....

.....I play games with myself.........I imagine that you are home and when I crawl back into bed you will be there....and then I think if you were here....I would feel safe and protected and peaceful enough to sleep the entire night...and if for some reason I was to awake....I wouldn't leave the bed....instead I would lay there and clutch you for dear life......and breathe you in.......and smile....thinking back on all the nights I spent awake waiting for you to come home......

I've had a terrible case of nostalgia......I think its because of September 11, and my current plight in life plus an old CD I found in my car it has music from when we first started dating on it.....people say that you should never look back.....that looking back is living in the past and that breeds unhappiness.....sigh.....what a wonderful luxury that would be.....to never look back.....

I've written about it before.....this strange time capsule as military families we seem to always be in.....we go through such long separations that if we don't look back and remember the connection and reasons for waiting are lost......but time doesn't go back it goes forward.....the entire time your gone its like time stops.....but it doesn't.....all this looking back has me thinking.....its almost as if I have lived several different lives in one lifetime......

And when your away.....I live in a glass ball.....or maybe an hour glass.....I am alive.....I can see life....so it affects me.....and life can see me but my affect on it....is mediocre at best....but there is no depth.....I live a life behind the glass....all aspects are not real.....but the time still passes.....

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**