...not meant for ANY ONE....**

091714
beloved LEGS....

.....I've been thinking about it.....and you are truly my best friend.  I can share ANYTHING with you....and you won't judge me.....or hold all the crazy things I think and feel against me....NOTHING I have said or done has shocked you....or as far as I know made you love me any less......I think when you TRULY love someone you love their dark parts too....and you do- you love all of my imperfections and shortcomings and have forgiven me for all my mistakes.......

....I think that is what I miss most when you are away.  I miss my best friend.  I miss letting down my 50 meter radius.....my tough exterior....and not wearing this goddamn coat of armor......chastity belt included.....

....I am tired of holding it together and falling apart alone....of being driven around by all these feelings and dropped off in the middle of no where....I reach this point where....I honestly become weird....I have weird thoughts.....I am sick of crying myself into oblivion and then instead of having at least a damn witness to my anguish sitting there afterwards in silence.....well I guess I better get to bed....or finish the laundry....or get ready for the gym......I am tired of having no witness to my life.....no reliable presence to share thoughts with.....and no human diary to purge all the pain I see others going through.....

I miss my lover.   I am sick of wanting to be touched....and held.....and kissed.....and settling for awkward hugs with my team mates and trainers....or forcing Karmella to endure longer than she likes spooning and cuddles with me...I miss breakfast in bed and hearing you breath next to me at night.....I miss the tension of the moment.....I miss the breaking point....the gentleness....the fierceness.....I miss you playing with my hair.....I miss my favorite.....I miss being sexy and feeling sexy.....I miss knowing that you are looking at my ass.....

This LIFE....is not meant for ANY ONE.  And its certainly not meant for EVERY ONE.  I think it takes a really special person to gracefully deal with all that is asked of a military spouse. 

....I wish I could call you whenever I want, but I really wish I could call you when I have something on my mind.  I wish you were around all the time, but I really wish you were around during the good times.....I wish you were here to take care of me, but I really wish you were here so I could take care of you.......I wish you were here to love me.....and hug me.....but I really wish that you were here so I could love you....and hug you......and kiss you.....I would kiss you all day if you were here......

.....military life is an extreme dichotomy......a double edged sword....

....the freedom is astounding....when you are away I can do whatever I want, I come home when I want, I leave when I want, I talk to whomever I want,  I eat what I want, I watch what I want....I do everything my way......

...but.....the loneliness is imprisonment.....I can do whatever I want.....but I must do it alone......

.....the adventure is never ending.....the danger....the excitement......living in different lands, travel, your job, learning other cultures and languages....the goodbyes....the reunions...life......war.....love......

...but.....the uncertainty is maddening...we don't know where, we don't know when, and war......life and love.......can be lost.....

.....there is always a shift.....a deployment, a field time, a school, a move, a new interest, a new place, new friends, a new language, a new job, a new house, a reunion.....which causes a renaissance or a dark age......and probably the most painful part is the transition...........I live more than one life....in one lifetime.....I become another women every time there's a shift.....I fall in and out of love with a new man every time you leave and return.....

...but amidst all of this constant, steady, change......there is one thing I always have......and that is MY BEST FRIEND......I know you are my RIDE OR DIE.....I know you are my NO MATTER WHAT......I know your going to be their in the END.......because you have proven it to me so many times......over all the years we may not have always loved one another......but we were LOYAL to the idea.....we were devoted to our story.....we were dedicated to one another.....and because of this we always discovered our LOVE again....and THAT is what makes it TRUE.....because TRUE LOVE is surviving and defying the odds.... 

.....this life is not meant for any one.....and its certainly not meant for everyone.....but losing you would be throwing myself upon that sword......


.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**