Beloved LEGS....
...I was thinking....which seems to happen a lot more when your away.....I can't seem to occupy my mind enough to banish all these pesky inquisitions.....
I question how many people in the world know how to TRULY wait for something....?
Patience is not one of my strong points, though I tell myself to work on it every day. At boxing I tell myself to be patient with the others, and myself, with patience I learn and perform better. With Karmella I tell myself to let her be a dog even though she has to sniff every single god forsaken inch of land we cover in our daily walks.....I tell myself to be patient with people and my family, that every single person has a certain battle taking place in their lives and is working on filling that hole that seems to be present in all of us.....
....And with you....every single day for many many moments I daydream and think about you....disappearing into myself....and recreating our world......when I come back from these little breaks....I miss you more...and realize this is what waiting is......this....is patience......
....its work to constantly quiet my crazy mind when I think up grand schemes and plans that are completely insane in order to see you. Accepting the reality that I will not see you for a very long long time, is a consistent back and forth battle, a wax and wane of patience and denial.....
....the question that every one, EVERY ONE asks is HOW I DO IT?
Usually I am flattered because....the question implies there is doubt in their own ability to manage this task, but it also inflates my own strength. They simply cannot believe that I would do it, that I do do it.
This question when really pondered upon....opens up an extreme amount of wonderment. How many people do things, on a daily basis, that they did not think they could do? How many people do something on a daily basis that is harder than they could have ever imagined.....how many people know how to WAIT?
And is waiting for...LOVE. So far removed from modern day.....that one could possibly argue REAL. TRUE. PURE. LOVE....does not exist.....?
....our world has become so advanced, food only a store or restaurant away, a photograph a snap away, the whole world at our finger tips, communication so widely accessible, anything we could possibly want can be ordered and shipped to our doorsteps....the entire world can be traveled to.....waiting for something it seems has become a thing of the past.....and if we must wait....its only a short period of time.....
....its made me think that waiting is a dying skill....and we are dying breed......
The best answer I have come up with is that I do not know how I do this.
Some days....every single minute, every single second is so painful and filled with a longing so deep in my bones I can't fathom going on waiting.....I get so restless, and anxious.....that I can't quiet my soul or even disappear in my sleep.....it turns to frustration....I wander around the house looking out the windows....in the morning...in the night....through out the day....taking shallow and deep breaths....and wondering if the next minute is going to be my demise....
....all I can say to answer this question is.....I don't know how I do it.
BUT I DO KNOW....WHY......
....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**
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