...the rebel in me....**

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Beloved LEGS...

...three weeks.....three weeks since you left and I am not sure how its possible but I have accepted your absence. These last few days....I don't know why or what but I have awoken with a sunnier disposition.  I've fallen into this manageable and healthy routine of sleeping pretty well and eating pretty well....I go about my controlled regimented day and so long as I can control most of what happens I feel pretty well too.

...It could be that I have been insanely busy.  It helps when I am productive all the minutes of the day....I don't have time to lay in morose...or endure the insane silence.....or miss you.....and when I have needed help my real true friends have been there to rescue me.....

....I read this article...it was 28 things happy couples do for each other every day.  I shouldn't have read it.  It made me think how low my standards become when you are away.  Many of the things on the list were next to impossible with the distance. 

I am happy to just know that you are alive with one single thumbs up on facebook or a pin on pinterest.  They should make one specific to military couples....don't you agree?  What a world of difference that would be.   

....that being said.  I had the thought that we won't even be the same people or the same couple, and we won't have the same marriage when you return because....we never do.  But you know what?  I am really excited about the reinvention.  A type of renaissance....a rebirth if you will.  

How cool is that?  How many people do we know that are living in the same rut day in and day out- and we are lucky enough to be able to start completely over.  If we wanted.....we could completely change.  So many possibilities.....how would I change myself?  How would you change yourself?  What would we change in our marriage or as a couple?  Or would we change anything at all?

I feel a weird sense of guilt sometimes....that if I am not sad that you are away, it makes me a bad wife.  That.....if I cope positively with your absence.....the distance between us grows bigger and bigger....that if I accept your absence, I sort of give you away.....I let go of you....and change who I was with you....but to make myself feel better......

I have this silly little fantasy I have been entertaining these last few days......that we could, if we wanted, start back at the beginning.....you know pretend that we don't know each other....because we really won't by the end of this, start dating again.....it would be this awfully romantic adventure....except we will already know the ending.....because....true love always finds its way to where it belongs....

I know all of this is a silly foolish little day dream....but it gives me this magnetic hope for our future, it makes me excited about enduring this absence about improving myself to be the type of woman you deserve.  And it makes me feel alive......holding on to the sadness is like dying a slow painful death......

....the rebel in me....despite her weariness.....still has a beating heart in her chest, and though her face is dirty, her eyes no longer sparkle, and the confidence she has inside herself is demoralized....is still a fighter.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**