Weather Report brought to you by your one and only TANK GIRL: Oregon was rain and black ice, Idaho was cold and sunny, Utah was a wild snow blizzard, Colorado was snow and ice, New Mexico has been barely above freezing, some snow, some sun......but mostly very very very COLD.
When we said goodbye to Clampy Duke, it was hard......the plan was Queen Di would walk him while we drove away. Clancy spent all morning pacing behind LEGS, watching us pack up the car, with genuine worry and concern all over his Golden Retriever face.
LEGS knelt down and said goodbye, tears started to well up in my eyes and I got that stupid lump in my throat. When he stood up I said goodbye to Clancy and told him to be good....I was getting ready to tell him not to pee himself out of a home......when suddenly Queen Di burst into tears....it was like any other burst of tears and desperation I have ever seen.....she said feels so bad that we are leaving Duke....Right then I knew he would be fine.....
LEGS started to cry and I started to cry.....we all hugged each other....then we started that weird crying and laughing thing......it was like we were all very sad, but laughing at how pathetic we had all become over a great, loyal dog....LEGS went to say goodbye to his sisters while Queen Di and I helplessly clung to each other again in hysterics....it was the most wonderful 'MOM' hug.....which I have desperately missed and needed.....
LEGS and I drove in silence.....what could we say to each other that would make a difference? I think even Karmella was sad.....she had this anxious melancholy look for most of the day.....I was starting to wonder if she thought we were going to get rid of her too.....We had Clancy ever since we have been together (8.5 years!)....he was a great and beautiful dog that brought us together often.....We will miss you Clampy Duke!!!
We stopped at a Starbucks, Starbucks makes everything better right?
We also decided to sell the TANK. What a bummer.......NEVER NEVER LAND HAD BETTER BE WORTH IT.......
LEGS and I spilt a soda out of can....I told him:
ARMS: 'LEGS, drink your river....'
LEGS: Utterly clueless and blank look on his face....
ARMS: 'Dude drink your river!'
LEGS: 'What? Drink what river?
ARMS:'Haven't you heard that before? Drink your river means drink all that crape you left in the rim of the soda can....its your gross backwash....'
SEESH......
Okay......I know I probably shouldn't talk about this, but this is real life, so I am going to talk about it. Every time I travel I get constipated. My Doctor has told me its perfectly normal. I asked LEGS if it happens to him and he said ' Uhh.....I don't think so...' This made me feel so much more 'normal.' Can you detect the sarcasm?
It has been considerably worse on this road trip. I have to go....so we stop....I run to the bathroom in these ghetto nasty gas stations....I put toilet paper on the seat....then I sit down....I try to relax etc., but then someone pulls on the door, or knocks.....and then my poop gets stage fright........in one instance guess who was pulling aggressively on the door? LEGS.....(heavy sigh)........
LEGS said:
LEGS:' We need to talk about the hotel room tonight.....'
ARMS: In my mind......'Whoa he sounds serious....'
LEGS: 'I can't have you turning up the heat and drying me out tonight....'
ARMS: I am laughing....'I get COLD.....but we can turn it down more.....'
LEGS: '68'
ARMS: '70'
LEGS:'NO'
ARMS: ' Okay fine 69....'
LEGS:'Okay 69....'
Last night I hardly got any sleep. We fed Karmella late. I knew when she didn't 'Go Potty' before bed I was going to get up with her in the middle of the night. Sure enough she got up and started panicking.....I was hurrying to get dressed because it has been seriously cold outside....but by the time I got dressed she shat on the floor.......
It was really hot in the hotel room so it started to smell like heated up poop, I felt bad as I watched LEGS breathing it in sound asleep. About an hour and half later Karmella woke up again....this time I was able to get her outside in time to pee.....but I was worried I was going to get kidnapped and nobody would know I disappeared until LEGS woke up in the morning.....
I genuinely scared LEGS today. Which I am pretty proud about. We were driving through the southern part of Colorado. It was packed snow on the road. Everybody was driving 20 mph........at this rate we will never get anywhere......so after an hour of that I decided to pass everybody......
I was on the phone with my Sissy....so I may or may not have been sidetracked.....I started passing like 8 cars at 50-60 mph......we hit some ruts in the road and it spun out the a** end of the TANK.....so we started to fish tail......in my mind speed would solve the problem....I still had some cars to pass......LEGS grabbed onto the 'Oh Sh*t' handle of the truck and started pushing on the dash with the other hand....and like a little girl started to scream bloody murder 'CLUTCH IN!!!! CLUTCH IN!!!!'
We survived.....I told LEGS 'Everything is fine....you are supposed to scare yourself once a day.....' He said 'Yeah scare YOURSELF, not kill the other guy in the car....' (Me Laughing)
(Side Note: I do have 10 years of driving in snow experience......after discussing my actions with LEGS we decided that my mindset was correct but agreed even though speed straightened us out.....pushing in the clutch may have been wiser....)
They shut down I-80 due to weather so we weren't able to get to LongShanks' house.....which really bummed me out. Instead we are staying in the GHETTO of Albuquerque, New Mexico. When we drove into New Mexico LEGS and I were arguing.....(too much time in the car + a LOT of emotional experiences as of late) The sign read 'Welcome to New Mexico...Land of Enchantment.....yeah......its real F'IN magical......
When we checked into the hotel, the front desk guy told us we are in "The Wild Wild West" he said at midnight they will start shooting guns off with reckless abandon. He said 'go into your room and don't come out until daylight.' Happy Dirty Ghetto Year.....there is nothing 'new' about this.....here is to hoping I don't get bedbugs to go along with my night of terror......pffff.....Land of Enchantment.....
Random Thoughts:
Food for thought: What is the point of having a hand-less paper towel dispenser when your soap and water is not hand-less? Aren't your hands already clean when you get the paper towel?
When we hit Utah, every single sign we saw was paintballed......hmmmm....and we could not find a Starbucks anywhere, and there was a billboard that read 'Get help for your Pornography Addiction....I told LEGS to jot down the number so we could address his problem......(its a joke people!)
Also.....I watched this documentary that's called 'Whats in your JELLO?' It was about how Utah is the JELLO eating capitol of the world...and how it also has the highest rate of prescription drug abuse per capita......I have a few REALLY GOOD Mormon friends so this is no insult to them (and I highly doubt this would insult them)....but I think Utah is a little weird....
Can I tell you a secret? I use Lipsmackers chapstick. They come in all different flavors and colors. Some color your lips more than others. LEGS has been using my watermelon one.....only because I told him the Cotton Candy one would color his lips......Ever since I told him that he has been especially paranoid about accidentally picking up the Cotton Candy one.....when its been dark he has resorted to smelling them.....
The Continental Divide is pretty crazy......tonight it was -20 up there.....
Last night LEGS and I forgot to give Karmella water. When I finally remembered this morning she was totally dehydrated (we are rookies!) So tonight I made sure to remember.....LEGS got her water....then he picked it up and dumped it out....I asked him what was wrong....he said 'She doesn't like warm water, she likes cold water.' I laughed and said 'Did she tell you that?' Isn't he SO CUTE!?!
Has anybody seen the infomercial for 'Easy Feet'? It is amazing!
I know this is a long blog, but its two days crammed into one.......
This is TANK GIRL Over & Out....
Just another day or two in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
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