(Throat Clearing) Its......SO.......Small......(PART TWO)**

Hey BLOG!


Weather Report: Falling ICE, Frost, Rain and Sleet but still no SNOW.......


Exchange Rate: 1 Euro = $1.33 :D


PART 2 : The next day.....


When I woke up I was still feeling melancholy.....my Christmas songs were now mumbly, and flat.......honestly, I didn't even feel like getting a Christmas Tree any more........


I was upset because LEGS had sucked the holiday cheer from me....


In fact, it was like we switched roles- there he was smiling and bouncing around the house trying very hard to make it right with me....

UNBELIEVABLE......he robbed me of my happiness and was now using it himself......THE NERVE OF SOME PEOPLE.....


He said "Let's bring the dog too!"


In my mind: Oh Really LEGS? You want to bring the dog too?  


Now I felt bad I was being a drag......


We hopped in the truck, LEGS, Karmella and I, and we drove out into the german country side......


Meanwhile I was testing him on his pilot knowledge- its always hard for me to do this because it seems like all the things he needs to know are when the helicopter is crashing and not when its flying.....


Once we got to the TREE PLACE.....we searched far and wide for THE PERFECT TREE......


Let me exaggerate on the searching far and wide part.  


Every tree that I liked LEGS didn't, and every tree he liked was TOTALLY LAME.....no really- seriously I am a great judge of TREE-NESS.  But LEGS flashed me his credentials- he used to go with his Dad every year to get the Christmas tree and I had never picked one out.....like this.......


Damn he beats me again.......


He likes the Tree's that have PERFECT TOPS and I like the tree's that have definitely been greedy in their photosynthesis.....I like 'em FAT.....




ALSO every tree that I liked was TOO TALL.....apparently I like them FAT and TALL......(YA THINK?  LEGS isn't fat but....he's tall).  And every tree he picked out was TOO SHORT......


He won the battle, we got a SHORTER tree than I wanted and it had a PERFECT TOP.....and it was PRETTY FAT......two out of three......


When we got the tree to the check out stand, LEGS said "I thought this tree was bigger......" YOU THINK!?!

When we got home, he said "Babe- I need to trim some off the bottom so that it reaches down into the water....."


By the time our tree was in HOUSE, in STAND, I swear it had shrunk like 3 times!  For being an expert he sure was a ROOKIE......

After the tree was finally settled LEGS had to go to a friends house to "STUDY".....it always amazes me how dumb men think we are.....It doesn't take a rocket scientist to realize this friend he was going to visit  has a brand new, very large Television that is hooked up to a XBOX complete with a brand new game that is all the rage.......


(heavy sigh) What can you do?  


So.....I guess I'll decorate the tree myself......


When we left OBI we had three boxes of Christmas lights.  I didn't think that it would be enough lights, but due to the GRINCH like difficulty I was encountering I had given up the battle and just went with what Mr. Apache Pilot Grinch man wanted do.  


I plugged in the biggest set of lights we had......


And.......


NOTHING......


They didn't light up........


&^%$#!!!!.......


*&$#@!........


&%$#@..........%$$#@(.........%$$#@#$%........


OKAY- THAT'S IT NOW I WAS TICKED!


AND DESPERATE......I spent two hours going through each light hoping for a miracle!


Its just so difficult over here to shop for things, its so expensive and inconvenient......now that we hadn't gotten the amount of lights I wanted and the set we had was broken I was completely set back....


Number ONE:  I couldn't do a damn thing with the tree.......and they don't look good without lots of lights on them.....


Number TWO:  Now I had to go back to the store and return them......


Let me school you on how to return things in Europe.  You have to drive to the store- which is NEVER like driving to Walmart.  Then you have to enter the store and request somebody who speaks english in german, then they have to find someone who speaks english, when the person who speaks english comes to you they tell you they speak very little english and its not very good, then you have to explain yourself, and hopefully exchange or return the item........its just INCREDIBLY COMPLICATED and INCONVENIENT......


LEGS left the house upset, I sat there and cried......I just get so frustrated that I let him influence the way I operate because......I am always right......

And he is wrong......so there I was hoping he was sitting at his buddies house being wrong in his wrongness......


But......you know he wasn't......


ALL'S WELL THAT ENDS WELL......


It only took me an ENTIRE week to decorate the tree, the light fiasco was not as difficult at I had anticipated, and I did decorate the tree in intervals during bizarre times- like at 6am in the morning.......


LEGS just cleared his throat......(EVERY TIME HE CLEARS HIS THROAT I LOOK AT HIM AND FOCUS ON HIM BECAUSE I AM SO CONVINCED HE IS GOING TO SAY SOMETHING IMPORTANT)......


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

Let me CLEAR MY THROAT....**

BLOG!


Weather: Its been warm.....I wish SO BADLY it would SNOW......


Exchange Rate:  Eine EURO = One Dollar thirty three cents......


Unless you have seen the Movie BRIDESMAIDS- this story won't be that funny.......but IF you have seen it- its hilarious! 


(CLEARING OF THE THROAT)


LEGS has been sick....he is always sick during the holidays- its either I don't have him, we are in transition, or when I do "HAVE HIM" he's sick.......


LUCKILY he doesn't do what MOST men I know do....which is to completely shut down and complain and whine......instead he just sits there in all his pathetic glory and makes you feel absolutely HORRIBLE you can't SAVE him from the misery.....


What's worse is this THROAT CLEARING thing he has been doing....all the gross snotty tissues being left all over the house....the other day I had to peel one off the floor and the tissue and snot were like glued to the floor....EEWWWW!  

And as usual we have the debate on the temperature of the bed room....I am always cold and he is always hot, when I let him turn the heat down I end up freezing half way through the night or waking up chilled in the morning, or he says he can't breath, tosses and turns, and wakes up sweaty and miserable......


(LEGS IS CLEARING HIS THROAT)


Because I do actually have a soul I told him in his SICK STUPOR that I would "switch sides" of the bed with him so he could crack open the window and get some fresh air- maybe that would help with his cold.....


This ENTIRE topic has me pondering the SIDES OF THE BED topic.....Do other couples have CERTAIN SIDES they sleep on?  How do these kind of decisions get made?  Do people switch?  And why on earth does it matter so much?


The usual way in which our SIDE is determined in who is closest to the door......because you know....if there was a BOOGEY MAN, LEGS would RESCUE ME or DIE in ATTEMPT OF RESCUE....


(LEGS JUST CLEARED HIS THROAT AGAIN)


But that got me thinking......does that also mean his LIFE is more valuable than mine?  Obviously not using the story example above but what if there was a fire?  He would be closest to the door and I would have to jump out the a second story window.......


After pitching my offer to SWITCH SIDES- he was IMMEDIATELY against that idea.......I took offense- and told him.......


"I've got the FIRST WATCH...." (BRIDESMAID HUMOR HERE)


He again denied my offer......I started to insist and convince him that if the BOOGEY MAN came I was sure that I could handle it......


I watched him walk over and turn the HEAT DOWN....on his way back he said


"Its too HOT in here......You feel that heat come out from my under carriage?" (MORE BRIDESMAID HUMOR HERE....)


Right then he put his LEG up on the wall- which if you know the....the ah....appearance of his LEGS you would laugh hysterically at just that part- and slapped he thigh......(MORE BRIDESMAID HUMOR HERE....)


And in the end I woke up cold, he woke up fine, we stayed on our RESPECTIVE SIDES and WE ALL KNOW......(well anybody who knows LEGS knows) that if the BOOGEY MAN did IN FACT COME.....I would have REGULATED the SITUATION and LEGS would have woken up sleepily afterwards scratching his....er......head wondering what happened while he was sound asleep........and IF THERE WAS A FIRE......I would have woken up at the sound of the fire detector and jumped out the window while LEGS slept peaceable in on his side of the bed.......


Maybe it was his cold or maybe it was.....


the return of the ever reliably present MR. GRINCH..........


(THROAT CLEARED)


also known as LEGS.......


You're a mean one MR. GRINCH, you really are a heel, your as cuddly as a cactus, you're as charming as an eel, MR. GRINCH,  you're a bad banana with a....greasy black peel........


We were driving in the car.  


I started telling LEGS how I am having this event in a few weeks and would like to serve GIN FIZZES.....and that I ACCIDENTALLY broke my FULL LENGTH MIRROR.... an essential  item when you are as FABULOUS AS ME.....(it was a 5 dollar Walmart special and made the move to NEVER NEVER LAND and survived ALMOST one year......)


Which is a VERY LONG WINDED REQUEST (you know me) for a BLENDER and a MIRROR......


Don't you think these two items for a FABULOUS BEAUTIFUL WIFE EXTRAORDINAIRE are.....um SOMEWHAT.......(THROAT CLEARING) VITAL?


Either way.....LEGS agreed to the purchase of these two items but I could tell he didn't want to "SHOP" for them........


By the time the weekend arrived I had realized that it was the first week of December.....and if we were going to get a Christmas tree we had better figure out how and where in NEVER NEVER LAND.....


I did most of the LEG work, I asked around networked, dug up a few ideas, places, and a website.  On Friday when LEGS got home I ADORABLY requested that he check out the website where you can cut down your own Christmas tree..........


And let me just say......I pitched buying a fake tree awhile back but....LEGS actually HAD AN OPINION and voted NO on that.....HEY- if he actually gives input we got with what he wants!


I asked him about the website and tree info a few times in cute ways so as not be (THROAT CLEARING NOISE) "naggy."  He assured me he would check it out.


On Saturday I rose up early, literally bouncing off the walls and singing Christmas songs (off tune- because I CAN!) I couldn't wait to cut down our Christmas tree!  I made LEGS a beautiful breakfast- a well fed man is a happy man- and we called friends that wanted to come and made plans to meet up with them......


I got all dressed for TREE HUNTING and about 10 minutes before we departed LEGS said......


(THROAT CLEARED)


"Babe.....we can't go today because they don't open UNTIL tomorrow...."


In my mind: This was the equivalent of going on a hot air balloon ride and it suddenly bursting into flames......

UMMMMM......OKAY....? But wait....how come we didn't know that BEFORE we made the days plans? Here I was all dressed, hyped, ready to go get our TREE and LEGS was informing me that it wasn't going to happen because the place is CLOSED.....and on top of that we had a whole other family planning and getting excited to go as well......


And frankly....its one of those things that is hard to recover from.  


BUT....being the POSITIVE UPLIFTING person I am....I tried...I really did....


I told myself that we could still get the blender, the mirror and some Christmas Lights.


Maybe it was stress from work, or maybe my demands were too high.....


You're a rotter, Mr. Grinch, You're the king of sinful sots, your heart's a dead tomato splotched with moldy purple spots, MR. GRINCH, You're a three-decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!


On the way to get the blender and the mirror, I mentioned Christmas lights........


And I can't seem to recall the exact words, or sentence, or phrase, maybe it was just a vibe.......that I was picking up from LEGS.......


But.....(SOUND OF THROAT CLEARING)


By the time we left  OBI (EUROPEAN HOME DEPOT) I was in a swampy pit filled with quick sand like bitterness and anti HOLIDAY sentiment.......


On the car ride home I burst into tears....and in a soppy, tearful, snotty mess explained myself......


"LEGS!  WHY DO WE HAVE TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT ABOUT CHRISTMAS LIGHTS?!? WE HAVEN'T HAD A TREE IN TWO YEARS BECAUSE YOU DRAG ME ALL OVER THIS PLANET- NEXT CHRISTMAS YOU WON'T BE HERE AND THE FOLLOWING CHRISTMAS WE WILL BE MOVING AGAIN, THIS IS THE SECOND YEAR I AM AWAY FROM MY FAMILY AND I JUST WANT THIS CHRISTMAS TO BE SPECIAL- SPENDING CHRISTMAS IN GERMANY IS A LIFE LONG DREAM OF MINE AND YOU ARE RUINING IT!"


(Be sure to add in INAPPROPRIATE and NUISANCE-LIKE THROAT CLEARING)

You know those moments where you feel stupid for falling apart but much to your dismay it actually works?  


TO BE CONTINUED.........


(INSERT THROAT CLEARING)


Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......(LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT)**

No closer to a purpose.....**

(Insert Awkward Moment HERE....)


Hi BLOG.....how are you?..........


Look I know its been awhile since.....since we spoke.......


I have just.....I've just been.....I've been working on some material.....


After reading my last blog, I looked back to see what other things I had been THANKFUL for....if for no other reason then to document it so that I can look back on it........here is the rest of my 24 days of being THANKFUL- starting on Day 6 and ending on THANKSGIVING:


Day 6 of THANKFULNESS: I am a lucky girl, all my life I watched Disney Movies, read Fairy Tales, day dreamed and hoped for a TRUE EVERLASTING HAPPILY EVER AFTER LOVE, and to my dismay I got it.....LEGS is romantic, tender, he is smart and patient, he is strong, heroic, supportive and understanding, he blindly believes in me and most importantly he quiets my brain, calms me down, he allows me to live in the moment....he turns me into a noodle......I am THANKFUL for the LOVE we have and FOR HIM- I FOUND HIM, HE WHO MY SOUL LOVES and I HELD HIM AND WILL NEVER LET HIM GO.....**


Day 7 of THANKFULNESS: I am THANKFUL for my FAMILY- both the COUSSENS' and the MCKAY/JONES'- Growing up with my Sisters had a deep and everlasting impact on who I am today- they taught me to be a leader, to share, to play and make believe, patience, and how to PROJECT MY VOICE OVER MANY, The MOMMY taught me compassion and empathy, The Daddy taught me discipline, the importance of education and tonever give up, My brother taught me the miracle of life, my Step-Dad taught me how important humor is to life and he showed me the beauty of ALASKA, The COUSSENS' have taught me ACCEPTANCE and Generosity, ALL GRANDPARENTS have taught me WISDOM, and the power of RESILIENCE....RYLEE has taught me how beautiful the FUTURE is......

Day 8 of THANKFULNESS: I am THANKFUL for the SPORT and PHILOSOPHY of BOXING; It has made me a WARRIOR, it has created my character to be a person of STRONG WILL, great MENTAL FORTITUDE, it has taught me DISCIPLINE, SURVIVAL, SPORTSMANSHIP, it has given me the gift of understanding PEOPLE and PIN POINTING EXACTLY WHAT MAKES THEM TICK, I can see their WEAKNESSES and STRENGTHS, I have learned about HARD WORK and PERSEVERANCE through boxing, it has allowed me to walk in places people could only dream of, it has given me the ability to do what most others WON'T or say they CAN'T, I STAND OUT, I CONQUER LIFE, I STAND IN VICTORY always.....*


Day 9: I am THANKFUL for my health, it hasn't always been perfect....battling asthma as a high school athlete and BOXING CHAMP, being diagnosed with allergies to EVERYTHING, becoming SERIOUSLY SICK with an auto-immune disorder called HASHIMOTO'S disease (HYPOTHYROIDISM), which has caused and is still causing incredibly difficult obstacles to overcome- both personal and physical, I have to take medicines every day to function, some days I feel like I don't even know what it feels like to feel normal, I am constantly up against weight gain, fertility issues, fatigue, mood changes, impaired breathing, etc., BUT....I don't let it define me, or alter my ZEST for life, I don't let any of these conditions hold me back from pursuing my dreams, and EVERY ACCOMPLISHMENT I MAKE DESPITE THESE ISSUES- MAKES THEM THAT MUCH MORE MIRACULOUS! **


DAY 10 of THANKFULNESS: A humble and honorable THANK YOU to those who SERVE in the UNITED STATES MILITARY. I sleep peacefully at night because I know that they stand ready to fearlessly defend our nation and protect our way of life- *

Heroism is latent in every human soul - However humble or unknown, they (the veterans) have renounced what are accounted pleasures and cheerfully undertaken all the self-denials - privations, toils, dangers, sufferings, sicknesses, mutilations, life-long hurts and losses, death itself - for some great good, dimly seen but dearly held.
Joshua Lawrence Chamberlain

I have the honor of experiencing very personal and intimate knowledge of VETERANS and in specific ONE VETERAN-his desire to give up so much for so many, to give up even the most basic things, and even to give up our time together, to selflessly give so much amazes me on a daily basis-

Taking time today and EVERY DAY to COMPREHEND- this and to REMEMBER and be THANKFUL for these INCREDIBLE AND SELFLESS PEOPLE....**


In the last two months the number of hours I have been able to see LEGS has been dismal at best, and even though again he will only be home for a very short period of time (less than 48 hours).....today I am so THANKFUL for even the small number of hours I get with him.....DAY 12 of THANKFULNESS: It may not be much- but I am thankful for any.......**

DAY 13: I am THANKFUL for extended mornings in bed with LEGS, catching up on our shows, chatting, cuddling, eating, I am thankful for crumbs in the bed, the way he looks at me, the laughter we share, I am THANKFUL that even though he has to leave me again tonight.....I am sad, I want him to stay so badly I can hardly stand it, I am THANKFUL that our LOVE really hasn't changed THAT much in 10 years.....I am still wearing his jeans, and dreading the drive to drop him off......I am THANKFUL that I still want to call my MOMMY and BRAG about him....."MOMMY THAT'S MY HUSBAND...." (except back then he was my boyfriend).....**


Day 14 of THANKFULNESS: I am thankful that I am LUCKY ENOUGH to live abroad, living in GERMANY has taught me so many valuable lessons in life, it has given me so many AMAZING experiences, I find myself to be more patient, understanding, compassionate and aware of cultural differences, my non-verbal communication has reached a WHOLE NEW LEVEL, I realize that while I think my german is totally horrible, I know more than I give myself credit for.....and being able to LIVE in EUROPE versus VISIT EUROPE has given me a sophisticated experience that will be hard to rival.....**


Day 15: THANKFUL for unexpected THANK YOU notes in the mail, thankful that LEGS is home- FOR NOW, thankful for the like minded friends I enjoy laughing and shopping with, THANKFUL for Christmas Gift Ideas that are BRILLIANT and MAKE SHOPPING IN EUROPE FOR XMAS so damn easy....**

Day 16: LEGS says.....I am THANKFUL for MOVIE NIGHT in bed WITH HIM.....I really can't say that I disagree with him all that much.......

ALSO red wine and chicken pot pie with RICE CRUST and VERY LITTLE DIARY.....

and KARMELLA........

AND.....heat, lights, a place to live.....

AND LOVE.....LOVE for my FRIENDS, LEGS, MY FAMILY, KARMELLA.....so MUCH LOVE I just can't give it away......**

Day 17: This probably sounds a little stupid....but....I am THANKFUL for all the really cool, interesting and dynamic people that I have met through our travels, in boxing gyms, with ADVOCARE, it seems like I am always being surprised, impressed, excited and ready to get to know the new people I get to meet every day through these avenues...I find people to be so intriguing and totally RADICAL....I just LOVE THEM....and my life is exciting and something worth watching because of them- I don't care if this sounds dumb.....its true....... ,*)


Day 18: I am THANKFUL to have the freedom and youth to have nights like this, also I am THANKFUL to have the confidence in my body to go into a club with beautiful women and dance like nobody's watching.....and SECURITY in MY MARRIAGE! ,*P


Day 19: THANKFUL for the little taste of America I enjoyed tonight, long drives in the car with LEGS AND his UNWAVERING support and desire to support my BOXING CAREER.....**


Day 20: THANKFUL for my family in ALASKA they are CRA-ZY!!! But I love the quirkiness and excitement, I have been missing them something FIERCE lately....LUB LUB LUB YOU GUYZ...... :*)


Day 21: I am THANKFUL that me and my family have not experienced any spectacular car crashes, tragedies, extended hospitalizations, or any other life depleting situations.....We have known many families that have endured EXTREME HEARTACHE, LOSS, AND SEVERE MEDICAL SITUATIONS- For those families- we are always sending support and the knowledge that we don't take our GOOD FORTUNE OR LOVED ONES FOR GRANTED.....at least I DON'T....**

NOVEMBER 22: THANKFUL for MY LIFE....ONE DAY....YOUR LIFE...will FLASH before YOUR EYES....make sure its worth watching........every minute I live and breath I make it WORTH WATCHING....**

Day 23: I am THANKFUL for YOU. YES YOU. I consider you my friend, I share my life with you every single day and want you to know that you influence me, teach me, and touch me with all the moments of your life and our friendship...I am who I am because of YOU and I am wishing you and your family a happy, humble and THANKFUL THANKSGIVING!!!! Love on ya, ME **

THANKSGIVING: Last night I left THANKSGIVING with a stomach ache because I ate so much food and laughed SO HARD! I consumed some of the best food I have ever eaten- even though we are all far away from our families- 30 of us Americans gathered together and behaved like family- A BIG THANK YOU to the NEALS for hosting and PROPS to EVERYBODY WHO BROUGHT THE MOST DELICIOUS THANKSGIVING MEAL I HAVE EVER HAD! This kind of life is hard.....a lot of times.....but last night was so beautiful and full of love that it shall live on in my memory and carry me through many tough days of being a military wife......**

After reading all of these it became apparent that the original reason for me to create a new post became kind of LAME......

I started thinking- 

WHAT IF.....

WHAT IF everybody was as THANKFUL as they were on THANKSGIVING....EVERY SINGLE DAY????.........

(Heavy SIGH)

I know that I am lucky and I have a lot going for me......but I am floundering.......

Every where I look people are pregnant, or getting pregnant, or they have kids they don't give a sh*t about......

Recently I have been thinking......I am so lucky, and I have always wondered why and how I am so lucky- I like to believe I am a good person, but....NOT THAT GOOD.....

Not good enough to deserve LEGS.....Not good enough to LIVE this LIFE I have been given.......

Maybe......maybe this is the thing that is going to be hard for us......maybe having children is not in our future.........

I know there is more that I could be doing....I could be more proactive about my situation, but I am terrified that they are going to tell me I have to do all these crazy things to conceive......

And I keep telling myself that it will happen when its supposed to....mostly because that is what everybody keeps telling us.....

I have also found solace in the fact that DESTINY and FATE must have something in store for me, and when I am done accomplishing whatever it is then I will have a baby.......

BUT.....

I wrote a blog 3 weeks ago, searching for my purpose in life......and today.....I am no closer to discovering what that is.......

I'm a bored housewife.......

PS- I realize that for some of you the pictures in this blog are of random unknown strangers- every single one of these people are important to me- they have shaped my life, touched me, and operated like family members do while I live ABROAD- I am SO THANKFUL for them- and while we continue our adventure in NEVER NEVER LAND- they support us- I will always cherish the time I spend with them AND I shall never forget them!

Just another day in the life of any unlikely military wife.....**

Sometimes LETTING GO....is STRONGER than HOLDING ON....**

Hi BLOG.....

Weather Report: Starting to get really chilly and foggy.....My yard is covered in leaves and I have absolutely no motivation to get out a rake them up.....

Exchange Rate: BOGUS.....

While LEGS was home.....(let me quantify it since the END of SEPTEMBER he has been home for approximately 100 hours)....we went to the The GREAT PUMPKIN FESTIVAL in LUDWIGSBERG NEVER NEVER LAND.

Halloween is NOT celebrated in NEVER NEVER LAND the way it is in the states, while I was feeling seriously jealous of all the Halloween celebrations I was missing, I guess when you live in NEVER NEVER LAND its not NECESSARY to dress up and celebrate because you already live in a world of make believe.....

At the Festival EVERYTHING is PUMPKIN. Every year they have a theme, this year was DINOSAURS they make life size DINOSAURS completely out of pumpkin, they serve pumpkin food and drink, and also sell pumpkins/pumpkin products.

It was a crisp fall day, and luckily it stayed dry while we played around at the festival. It was also LIZA'S Birthday, so in honor of her, a large group of us planned to attend the festival on the same day at the same time. It was timed just right so that all of us sat down at picnic tables and enjoyed PUMPKIN treats together in celebration of her UN-BIRTHDAY! It was good for the kids too, everybody who has kids was able to take pictures and let the kids play on the various play grounds, court yards, and enjoy the dinosaur displays.

The food was pretty awesome- LEGS and I enjoyed PUMPKIN SOUP, PUMPKIN RAVIOLI, and PUMPKIN QUICHE, along with SUPERB BEER and PUMPKIN CHAMPAGNE!

I never met a pumpkin.....that I didn't like....

Here us a picture montage of that day;

Ahhhhhhh......my FAITHFUL readers.....I have hit a profound and really very interesting ROUGH PATCH.......it started on Tuesday of this week and by today I was floundering..........

My circumstances in life have taken me to live out a dream for many, I live overseas, in EUROPE, in NEVER NEVER LAND.  While that is a incredible opportunity there are some drawbacks.....there always are......

One such drawback is the lack of AMERICAN.  THANKSGIVING is a AMERICAN holiday.  This proves to provide a whole bunch of obstacles that must be overcome in order to celebrate THANKSGIVING.  These obstacles tend to come in the form of SUPPLIES and LOGISTICS.  

While residing OFF POST- many of our appliances such as refrigerator's, freezers, and ovens are of the smaller european variety.  This makes housing a turkey, cooking a turkey and having a place for the inevitable influx of leftovers more like a military operation in itself.

And.....as much as I appreciate the effort, and admire the quality whatever shin dig the ARMY puts on.....can be.....mostly....a little FORCED....and LAME......

I approached J. LO a month ago and asked if she wanted to do a little THANKSGIVING POTLUCK at her house for our group of friends.  J. LO LOVES FOOD, and LOVES PEOPLE and LOVES FEEDING PEOPLE FOOD, so in my mind- I thought MY GOD it couldn't be better matched!  The real bonus is she has an AMERICAN OVEN!  (one....that is large enough....to fit a TURKEY.)

Gracious and delighted at the idea- J. LO embraced and offered up her home to a mass of Americans who wish to celebrate the time honored tradition of GIVING THANKS.  

That solves the logistically problem with the exception that those attending MUST bring tables and chairs!

Now on to the SUPPLY issues......

Last year while we were stationed at FORT RUCKER both the commissary and the nearest WALMART RAN OUT OF PUMPKIN.....like RAN TOTALLY OUT.....

SUPPLIES over here are difficult and scarce to come by- in most cases a several hour drive or overnight stay to secure some AMERICAN GOODS is not out of the required behavior......

DUE to this FACT.....and the nightmare of having a CELEBRATION without the GUEST OF HONOR- THE TURKEY, I started to get pretty nervous when a trip to the LARGER Commissary on Tuesday of this week left me with an up close and personnel look at the ALMOST BAREN TURKEY SECTION....

The wheels in my head started turning and the horror of hungry AMERICANS in high hopes of the grand AMERICAN Tradition of eating TURKEY on THANKSGIVING DAY....mortified me into ACTION....

This ACTION was BOSSY in nature and offensive to the receiver......

You know those moments in life where you are going along just like you always do, and then suddenly OUT OF NO WHERE a bomb of drama just goes off....so you run, take cover, fight. flight.  attempt to survive....but during all the confusion every step you take is the wrong one? Insert one of these here......

The end result is that I went to bed Tuesday night very, very, very ANGRY.  You know the kind of angry where you feel like raging? Your heart is pounding, your pits gets sweaty, your face is red, there is probably steam coming out of your ears......

At this point....I had no where to turn, everybody that could console me was unavailable for my late night RAGE....so I started looking up famous quotes about ANGER through google.....I managed to calm down to a more laser guided angry (as opposed to RAGE) as a result of the quotes about ANGER online......I would like everybody to see that.....I was desperate enough to use GOOGLE as THERAPY.....

This is the beginning of descent......

I went to sleep like that......

And while I was laying in bed.....in the dark.....alone (LEGS IS IN THE FIELD....but of course he is...).....I hit it all.....at first it was fantasies of violence, then it was ideas of complete withdraw, and than it was utter and sheer apathy....

That kind of anger doesn't usually subside with sleep.....at least for me....so I woke up with a ANGRY hangover, it was like waking up and putting on day old socks.....you know how the idea of that is just icky and they don't fit right because they are all stretched out, and of course the bottoms are dirty.....

I got on facebook and started seeing posts from friends that I have all around the world.  One girl, her Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer and she had just completed her last round of chemotherapy, another guy, his son went for a minor surgery- but he said 'If you think you have it rough go to the children's hospital...'

I felt like a complete and genuinely cheap SHAM of a person.....

I realized that I NEED to GET A LIFE- FOR REAL!  I went to bed ANGRY, like sweaty, heart pounding ANGRY.....about a FRACKIN' TURKEY?! I don't give a FLYING AIRPLANE about a STOOPID TURKEY! I don't even really LIKE turkey.....I ONLY eat it ONCE a year!!!  

I was relieved that I had comprehended such REALITY, CLARITY, PERSPECTIVE, MINDSET........I was so glad I hadn't done anything rash, foolish or cruel as a result of my anger and thankful that LIFE had tried to sneak a JOKER in on me....but I hadn't fallen for it........

With discontent in my heart and disappointment on my face I had a ADVOCARE event to HOST......and a day to get on with.......

Naturally hardly anybody showed up to the event.......

Add on top of that a few choice texts/messages/comments that were troubling in nature, a sore throat and you have one of those days where you know tomorrow just has to be better......

My thoughts from that day are as follows;

I just do the best I can, I put myself out there, I try to be solution oriented, positive, enthusiastic, creative there is a great sense of pride in the things I have done this far in life, the obstacles I have overcome, been through, over, under, beneath, above, I attempt to execute action with wisdom, thought, with my eye on outcome, when I struggle I admit it, when I fall I get back up, when I feel something I show it...I really do just want to change the world, so many times I feel like I am too exhausted to do so, so many times I feel like its SIMPLY NOT ENOUGH......today I feel exhausted.....**

You know how I thought that the next day just had to be better?  Well....It wasn't......

I woke up with a sore throat again, and my spirit was still in the toilet, but I got myself up and hurried down to base for the workout group.  The group was at 9am, but I got there a little early, so I sat on the bench at the gym......on the big open basketball court and started watching the clock at 8:45am.....by 9am I started having that sinking feeling and by 9:15 nobody had shown up......I felt like a complete FAILURE.....one girl finally showed up and I was more thankful than she will ever know for the  sign of support- but by the time she came I had resigned myself.....

Just quietly decided that......somewhere along the way I had done something, something that was painful to somebody and now I was paying for it......

I never call LEGS when he is in the field......but.....I called him on the way home from the gym....typically....it was fruitless.....

By the time I got home, I curled up into a ball on the bed and laid there....I couldn't help but laugh....you know that laugh where you just cannot believe that you have reached that kind of unbelievable hysteria?  I even looked to the ceiling and said:

"DEAR UNIVERSE, I am a big fan of your work, GIVE ME A SIGN, I don't know what to do with MY LIFE!!!!, YOUR LOST and FAITHFUL SERVANT- Me"

Not in those exact words, but you get the point.....

Grasping at straws in my desperation to feel better I started watching you tube videos.....mostly funny ones, but there is a few violent/crazy ones in there- to pull me out of the funk.....I had a good laugh, but it didn't make me feel like I could keep on truckin'........

I just want everybody to note that I was now watching youtube videos to cope with how miserable and sad my life had recently become- that I found solace in the pain/embarrassment of others......

I got up off the bed and opened a package I had received from a dear friend and blog reader from AK......

And after that I received several messages/comments from other friends....

Its always TOO COINCIDENTAL for me the sequence of events that sometimes come together.....but..... I after opening that  package I was reminded of  who I am, what I stand for, and what I live for- 

Celebrating 24 days of THANKFULNESS.....I am THANKFUL for MY FRIENDS- I hope all my friends know- I could never be who I am without you- and I could never survive this military lifestyle without you either- I say....overcome with emotion- THANK YOU FOR BEING MY FRIEND! :*)

The contents of the package:  A handmade doily, a tank top with a boxer FELIX the CAT on it, a pin with a bicycle on it, a book called "The Edible Yard", a handmade/personally designed bandana for sports, and a letter.  

After opening this package.....I sobbed uncontrollably....and after that I rose to my feet with resolve.  If people around the world believed in me and supported me with such tenderness and consideration I needed to believe in myself!

I wasn't cured or completely out of the rough patch yet though......

Its easy when you feel this vulnerable and lost to get homesick......and that I did......

All it took was a facebook post to do it......

A picture of ALASKA imposed on the rest of the STATES.....

Sporting my AK Grown hoodie to the briefing tonight- while simultaneously suffering from HOME SICKNESS- Growing up in ALASKA I learned the most important thing in life and that is TO SURVIVE! Day 3 of THANKFULNESS- I am THANKFUL that I had the HONOR of growing up in such a rugged, remote, beautiful, rough and tough environment- it taught me how to ENTERTAIN MYSELF, and HOW TO SURVIVE in the cold, the woods, the water, in a little city with BIG PROBLEMS and ALONE.....AK GIRLZ KICK A**!

And with steely ice cold resolve I dragged my pathetic beyonce' to the briefing......

Today has been a full day.....I have reached the end of the rough patch- I hope.......

I realized today in the company of people that are both wise and understanding, that........

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. -Lao Tzu

On Day Four of THANKFULNESS:  Sometimes LETTING GO is STRONGER than HOLDING ON.

I had the epiphany today that even though you think you have moved on from something and dealt with it, and though its no fault of your own or anybody else's, certain circumstances remind you, haunt you, and drag you back into that mindset, situation, and emotional turmoil......sometimes though you may be done with the past, the past is not done with you.

I seem to have been learning this lesson over and over and over again these last few years but its always been under completely different circumstances.....

I am thankful that I have been lucky enough to experience all these wonderful, amazing, life altering, emotional chapters in MY BOOK OF LIFE, but......today I am embracing enlightenment, clarity and the strength to LET GO, after living out these sections of life and moving forward to the next........

Despite my guilt, and pain over things that I thought I could change about the past, I can't save every body.....as desperately and deeply as I wish I could.....I just can't........

Random Thoughts:

Literally LAUGHING out LOUD! You know your wrong when you say my team is going to suck AGAIN because they have for a long long time....and they start WINNING- that's a true lesson right there- its called STOP BEING A HATER....GO BILLS! **

Another rough patch in the life of an unlikely military wife....**