Dear LEGS: DELETED....**

Dear LEGS
093012
Day 146

A LETTER

How much has to be explored and discarded before reaching the naked flesh of feeling?

-Claude Debussy

I am having one of those restless nights where I just don't want to lay down with out you.....I spend too many minutes "stalling"......Sometimes.....Its mostly at night....when the stars are out....The whole town is asleep and dark.....Dealing with this gets a little too heavy......usually a cinematic vision gives me this overwhelming, sinking feeling.......I start to get a little unstable and I think of never seeing you again.....I cry....and I usually grab Karmella and we lay together......I pray.......

When we are fighting so hard to get through the days....when we are bargaining with GOD and desperately acting upon the idea that the universe is balanced,  attempting to sway the dealer.....It makes me very furious when people give up.  When they throw away that gift.....the gift of time.....the gift of life......and the gift of knowing somebody else's life....

When I listen really carefully I can hear your heart beat from a million miles away....but I can only imagine....what it would be like to have you here.....to have that comfort, that security.....that peace. Every single day I think about you coming home....Sometimes its during the day......Sometimes its at night.....

I wonder if things will be weird between us...if I will be nervous.....I wonder if you will come back "normal" for the sake of that word.....But the one part of the fantasy that remains the same.....is laying down together for sleep....I dream that we lay down in the dark.....and you say....."lets talk and let our whispers fill all the empty spaces....."

All this has me missing you.....And unfortunately thinking of how alone I feel when your not here.....

I wish more people could understand or know that.....when you left......to me it was like an expedition.  I must survive this whole thing, I must transform myself into a better person, a better woman, a better wife......so that upon your return, on the day that we are reunited, that you are here in the flesh, everything else will be effortless.....we will have won, we will have beat the war, and only we, ONLY US........will understand what that really means.......

I am trying to be more of what I really am......I am trying to figure it all out on my own.....I m trying to require LESS of you, and be strong, and honest, and fair, to be patient and kind, to tear down all the defense mechanisms, put away childishness, to rise up from ground, however painful it might be and learn how to walk, and navigate this world as ME.  Just ME......

I fear I am failing miserably.......I find myself waking up every day with fewer "friends".....modern technology seems to be teaching me that people don't like to be adults......and its giving people the ability to bully, reject, delete, and discard me......and what I stand for so easily.....and I wrestle with it.....I wrestle with the code......the code of conduct......

I am learning more and more every day that it takes all kinds to make a world....though I may not agree with everything people think, or like everything about a person's whole make up, or accept all the aspects of how they choose to live their lives.....I still LIKE them.....I still admire all the colors and eccentricities that make up my daily interactions....

I think back on all the people that have deleted, discarded and disliked me.....the pain of this casual "deletion" is real and it hurts me.  I wonder if they know that.....I wonder if they know that I DID love them....and I am sad that I disappointed them, I am sad that I couldn't love them they way they needed or the way they wanted.....that I couldn't give them everything....every single thing they seek in the world and from me......

I am sad most of all....that they didn't accept me, or at the very least.....tell me why I didn't meet their standards.....now.....I will never know.....and what is worse than not standing up for what YOU believe in?  Not being heard, not being pacified with an apology, or explanation.....nope just DELETE....and that's it....

Its not in my nature to shy away from the possible run in with those that have deleted me.....and I often find myself puzzled with their reactions......Did they think that they would never see me again?  Did they think that just because I have been put on DELETED status that I would die off and cease to live in a world outside of the internet...???  A few months ago a "DELETER" saw me in the bank and smiled and waved at me.....I didn't know what I should do......should I smile back.....but we aren't "friends" any more???

I have told myself all the old proverbs....."you can't please every one".....but.....why not?  "haters are going to hate".....but that isn't good enough for me, "who cares, their loss".......but why do I feel as if I have lost?.....

In this life.....I want every opportunity to see it all, I want to see the way other people live, I want to see how other people parent, teach, befriend, I want to see how they win, how they lose, how they survive, how they thrive, I want to see the good, the bad, the loud, the quiet, I want to see all the moments that I can from all the friends I could possibly ever have.......

Although I may not agree, or like, or feel all the ways that the people in my life think, act, or treat me.....at least.....at the very least.....I will have a very wise, very broad, very diverse picture of the kind of person that I want to be........

Every time I am "DELETED"......I am always surprised and shocked and hurt......I wish that I had the capability to not feeling anything at all and sometimes I wish I was able to discard people.....but.......I guess LIFE in all its pains, hurts, in all its ups and downs, in its bliss, and tranquility- I have not yet mastered the art of being JADED.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.......**

Dear LEGS: I needed Mercy....**

Dear LEGS
091312
Day 120

A LETTER

"The world will give you that once in awhile, a brief time out; the boxing bell rings and you go to your corner, where somebody dabs mercy on your beat up life...." -Sue Monk Kidd

Mercy......I was down on my knees begging the UNIVERSE for mercy.......for mercy and for grace.....so that I could see again.....breathe again....so that I could go on living.....again.......when you left.....its like everybody lost....everybody fell apart.....if you ever did wonder....if you have had an influence on the world, or the people that surround you.....YOU absolutely do.......the day after you left something snapped......and an old man.....who admires you very much......lost......completely lost, his will, to live.....

Witnessing this was enough to leave me distraught and devoid...of any emotional, personal, or mental capacities for anything......anything in life.......at all......and what is even worse is seeing my saintly grandmother ask her "friends" for help......and watching every one of them tell her no........and tell me no.....I kept wondering, what it is I needed to do to be more helpless, more defenseless and exposed.....how could we be in a more vulnerable, resourceless, needy situation than......

A man giving up his life to fight in a war that can never be won?  Another man giving up his will to live, and dying?  A old woman, becoming more and more alone, as the days pass in the world, and a young woman, trying to hold it all together, while the whole world is falling apart?  If I ever needed help......if I ever publicly asked for help.....it was then......I swallowed my pride.....settled my independent nature.....and asked......I asked for mercy and for grace.......

I spent three days secretly on the verge of tears and solving, fretting, stressing, dealing......seriously dealing with a plethora of issues.......I was falling apart......and I needed someone.....any one to save me.....to assist me......to lend me a helping hand........I thought of all the times that I had helped others, I thought of all the times I did the right thing, however inconvenient, I thought of all the "friends" that I have.......I felt like I had just walked......walked into the room......shot.....and dying.....and the whole world......walked out......

I had food.  I had rest.  I had all the amenities......but I didn't have a friend.  I didn't have a friend that could help me accomplish what needed to be accomplished.  I was finally able to wrangle, and wrestle that bull......it took me several days and one million catastrophes before I was able to wearily, spiritlessly, provide a solution.....to my immediate problems......but it left me in the worst condition....it left me a victim......

In my mind.....I kept thinking that I was being punished for being a horrible person....that I hadn't given enough, done enough, that I hadn't been sensitive enough, compassionate enough.....to deserve even a FAKE OFFERING of HELP.....I wondered.....where had all the friends that I thought I had helped and been good to....gone?  What is worse.....than being a friendless victim?

And the truth is......the TRUTH is......a FEW people showed up.....right when I was convinced and ready to give up.....right when I was ready to sit stubbornly and discontinue living a productive decent life.......these people.....don't even realize or know......they were MERCY.....they were GRACE.....and they shall remain HEROES in my mind for the rest of my life......their struggle for me put them on a celestial level.....I am FOREVER in their debt.....one that I shall walk barefoot over hot coals.....I shall smile through hell.....and come back again to repay........

And the ones who did not.  The ones who did not help me......

Well.......I shall not accept mediocrity......in any aspects of my life.....including from my "friends"......

I shall not slave, nor weep, nor spend any more of my precious moments saving, assisting, or pretending to be nice to them......

I have continually led a life....where I accommodate and "come through" for people who no matter how desperate my situation......I refuse to tip toe.....I refuse to accept bad behavior, to remain calm, I refuse to be quiet, and to turn away.....I refuse to let fair weather friends get away with mooching off those of us who give ourselves, all of ourselves so selflessly........I won't entertain, I won't converse, I won't ignore, I refuse to play politics any longer........

I have been nice. I have played the game.  I have been everybody's friend.  I shall not be nice for the greater good.  I shall not play any more games.  And I will not befriend any moderate, low quality people with less than average values and performance......

Maybe.....maybe and perhaps seeing somebody give up on life....seeing somebody give their life....maybe seeing people walk out on a life..is part of the journey.....and only those that see it will know the TRUTH.....those that witness these things will see the lies.....detect the phonies.....and refuse to keep company with those fabricated, artificial souls.....

Perhaps before we have and give LIFE, it is in our destiny to see it taken, it is our destiny to see it given, it is our destiny to see life....lived without apostles.....so that we may always recognize and set a standard for the ones.....those outstanding few that run with us.........

Even since I saw it......I have looked at the world with different eyes.....I would not erase it or take it away because its allowed me to move forward with a new lease.....The universe knew that I desperately needed mercy.....and it gave it to me in the form I like best.....people.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**