beloved LEGS
....I have been picking at this blog for weeks, attempting in vain to capture all the feelings I am having about every thing........it seems....I have an extreme amount to be happy about.....and a little to be extremely sad about.....
.....finally....after many, many, months, living separately, being in different counties, at different times, in different places, doing many different things, we will be together- again- in a matter of days.....even writing this makes me feel like a scared crazy person......
..I wish I could describe the constant ebb and flow of polarizing emotions I seem to experience within an hour.....some hours... I am so thrilled and excited I can hardly keep the shit eaten grin off my face, I can't stop fidgeting or hold still or concentrate I just vibrate and bounce all over the place.......
....other times I feel so terrified and nervous I can hardly leave the house without a big pep talk, I fear that if I say that you are coming home too many times to too many people it will somehow alter the entire UNIVERSE and for some reason.....our reunion will be ruined...I fear something happening to me or to you.....abnormal paranoia of the worst case scenarios.....
.....in between the hours of compulsive excitement and schizophrenic paranoia I worry and stress over the adjustment of living with another person, about living with you, because I know that.....we are both different than we were, what we have done, what we have seen, what we have learned, how we have grown, how the circumstances of our lives have some how diminished us.....
.......I obsess over every single detail, I imagine and re-imagine what its all going to be like....and I wonder sometimes if you will still even like me.....if it will be different or the same as the other times.....I mull over and over in my head, what you will look like in real life, how it will feel, if I have changed, if you have changed......
......I promise myself that I will make every single daydream I had while you were away come true and at the same time I tell myself to remember we both need to breathe......
....when I have been able to come outside my head, away from the vibrating excitement, out of the house and the paranoia, when I am momentarily distracted from my day dreams of our reunion.........I have looked around and seen a very tragic film playing instead of the characters in my life.....and its been in all directions......some crashes I could see coming months ago and others were blind siding....things that leave me more sad and woeful then a Shakespeare play.....
.......even worse is.......not every husband is coming home.......
.....I have been that girl. The one watching all the others reunited with their husbands while I sat and waited my turn.....and even though- I always shed a few tears when I see the pictures and get goose bumps when I read about the details.....there is always a twinge in my heart, because I wish it was me......so, although I am very happy, there will always be a catch in my breath......an unfair pleasure, an undeserved relief.....
.......through out the course of my day and the course of my night....I swear my life takes turns between genre's.......and the extremes wreak havoc on me.....my ability to sleep and eat normally have completed disintegrated.....you said you are feeling sick....we are both arriving to our romantic reunion in shambles......
....its almost like a wedding day.....but more like an arranged marriage.....
....a photographer has asked to follow me through out the day of your homecoming, there is an "outfit" instead of a dress, shoe options- weather dependent, will there be a KISS?.....will it be weird?, of course it will.....what will we say to each other?......this still evades me......cooking, cleaning, decorating, ......obsessing, over thinking, preparing......
....What are you doing over the weekend?
Oh nothing, just going to pick up a man I haven't seen in 7 months, (insert SMILE) he is my soul mate (insert another SMILE) , I have to meet him and fall in love with him again......(insert LAUGH)
....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**
