.....havoc.....**

112814
beloved LEGS

....I have been picking at this blog for weeks, attempting in vain to capture all the feelings I am having about every thing........it seems....I have an extreme amount to be happy about.....and a little to be extremely sad about.....

.....finally....after many, many, months, living separately, being in different counties, at different times, in different places, doing many different things, we will be together- again- in a matter of days.....even writing this makes me feel like a scared crazy person......

..I wish I could describe the constant ebb and flow of polarizing emotions I seem to experience within an hour.....some hours... I am so thrilled and excited I can hardly keep the shit eaten grin off my face, I can't stop fidgeting or hold still or concentrate I just vibrate and bounce all over the place.......

....other times I feel so terrified and nervous I can hardly leave the house without a big pep talk, I fear that if I say that you are coming home too many times to too many people it will somehow alter the entire UNIVERSE and for some reason.....our reunion will be ruined...I fear something happening to me or to you.....abnormal paranoia of the worst case scenarios.....

.....in between the hours of compulsive excitement and schizophrenic paranoia I worry and stress over the adjustment of living with another person, about living with you, because I know that.....we are both different than we were, what we have done, what we have seen, what we have learned, how we have grown, how the circumstances of our lives have some how diminished us.....

.......I obsess over every single detail, I imagine and re-imagine what its all going to be like....and I wonder sometimes if you will still even like me.....if it will be different or the same as the other times.....I mull over and over in my head, what you will look like in real life, how it will feel, if I have changed, if you have changed......

......I promise myself that I will make every single daydream I had while you were away come true and at the same time I tell myself to remember we both need to breathe......

....when I have been able to come outside my head, away from the vibrating excitement, out of the house and the paranoia, when I am momentarily distracted from my day dreams of our reunion.........I have looked around and seen a very tragic film playing instead of the characters in my life.....and its been in all directions......some crashes I could see coming months ago and others were blind siding....things that leave me more sad and woeful then a Shakespeare play.....

.......even worse is.......not every husband is coming home.......

.....I have been that girl.  The one watching all the others reunited with their husbands while I sat and waited my turn.....and even though- I always shed a few tears when I see the pictures and get goose bumps when I read about the details.....there is always a twinge in my heart, because I wish it was me......so, although I am very happy, there will always be a catch in my breath......an unfair pleasure, an undeserved relief.....

.......through out the course of my day and the course of my night....I swear my life takes turns between genre's.......and the extremes wreak havoc on me.....my ability to sleep and eat normally have completed disintegrated.....you said you are feeling sick....we are both arriving to our romantic reunion in shambles......

....its almost like a wedding day.....but more like an arranged marriage.....

....a photographer has asked to follow me through out the day of your homecoming, there is an "outfit" instead of a dress, shoe options- weather dependent, will there be a KISS?.....will it be weird?, of course it will.....what will we say to each other?......this still evades me......cooking, cleaning, decorating, ......obsessing, over thinking, preparing......

....What are you doing over the weekend?

Oh nothing, just going to pick up a man I haven't seen in 7 months,  (insert SMILE)  he is my soul mate (insert another SMILE) , I have to meet him and fall in love with him again......(insert LAUGH)

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

...in this legend.....**

110814
beloved LEGS...

 ...over night it turned from a beautifully mild fall to a blustery winter......and with it....I settled into a deeply and violently offensive acridness.........my face is gloomy and gray, my lips sit comfortably in a pout, to smile or laugh leaves me........exhausted........I feel sleepy but I just keep blaming the weather.....I want to throw and break things just explode and scream and yell.....I want to climb in the ring and fight my opponent.....

....I watch from the window as the trees are thrown this way and that....its almost as if they are in disbelief.....that nature can be so wild with rage.....and while the rain pelts the window, I think- thank god even the universe gets angry.....even the universe throws tantrums.....there's hope for me still.....

....I want to call you and tell you to stop appearing in my dreams night after night.......because I wish I woke happier, but in the twilight of the morning just before I come out of subconscious.....I breathe you in and say goodbye......

....a few mornings ago I woke up remembering that I had a dream you and I were gossiping in the kitchen.....it was so casual and completely normal....there it is....a snapshot in the life of an unlikely military wife.....the sexiest dreams I have are you and I talking in the kitchen....and the deleterious are the dreams in which.....even though its you I have no idea who you are.....

.......some of my old deployment habits have taken completely over....music is played in the house non-stop so I don't feel so alone, a small wish that it will fill the emptiness.....the hole inside my soul.....I have even started falling asleep to audiobooks or movies because sleeping alone makes me feel......terribly depressed......and sometimes afraid....Karmella stirs or I think I hear something.....I close my eyes and hide under the blankets and pray that it is nothing.....

.....fantasizing about you......about you coming home, about hugging you and seeing your face for the first time, about sleeping next to you....kissing you....you kissing and touching me....are what get me through the days.....but these daydreams also creep into the small part of me, the humanness......the crack of a smile or a tear in the corner of my eye.....the visions of these small but incredibly meaningful moments.....spring from my eyes in tears and make my heart cry out for you.......they leave me a desperate desire and powerful longing.......

......I have started to prepare for your homecoming, I tell myself if everything is ready maybe the days will pass faster and you and I will finally be together again.......in every instance of my daily routine I mark my secret single behaviors, I have been cooking more, tending to things I have long abandoned......

.....and suddenly, though I realize it sounds strange.....I am rediscovering myself as a woman....the curve of my hip, the romance in my eyes, the softness of my lips and the words I long to say to you......I forgot about her.....as a coping mechanism....I became asexual.....

.....she is almost more than I can handle.....a jubilant old fashioned woman, a helpless hopeless romantic, that sincerely believes.....in fairy tale beginnings and happy endings.....she believes that a Knight in shining armor is coming to rescue her....that though she does not know this man, he will be perfect in all ways.....and though he know her not.......will fall in love with her all over again.....

.....in this legend......she rescues him back.....**

.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....everything...and so much of it.....**

101914
beloved LEGS...

.....I have everything....and so much of it....

.....I slept in this morning.  I woke up when the sun peeked through the shutters.  I laid in bed for entirely too long,  surfing the internet.  I spent several minutes cuddling with Karmella, telling her how much I love her, she was in that cute mood that I love.   I put on some music, made the bed.  I went down to the kitchen and made breakfast in my underwear.  I baked.  I baked some sweets for you.

And then, I made the decision, to lounge the rest of the day.  I snuggled back into bed, worked on a knitting project while watching my favorite show.  Later, I plan on taking a hot bath. 

No two days are exactly the same.....I enjoy a variety of places, people, errands, chores, routines.....I rise and tuck into bed according to my needs, I am my own business, I am my own trademark.......

I have everything, and so much of it......

People keep asking me what is wrong, or if I am okay, the question has become so common I feel like screaming.  

I sent you a message....reaching out.....because after being asked more than one day in a row....I figured I am holding some kind of stress.....a wrinkle in my forehead, a fall in my smile, a sadness in my eyes, that despite my attempt to be aware of it.....escapes me....

"I've been sad and angry all day....and yesterday, because I just fucking miss you. I really miss you. I hate you for making me so miserable and dependent....because I love you....that is all...."

It wasn't exactly poetic or pretty but I think my point was delivered clearly.  

And you wrote me back...typical Christopher swagger.....a few words that drive a rippling impact straight to my heart....as I begin to read them....tears immediately rise in my eyes.....and yet I come back to them over and over to remind myself its not only a dream.....its real.....what we have is real.....

 'I love you too......I promise to love you twice as hard when i get home that is all'

I have EVERYTHING........... and so much of it........

I have  complete and total freedom, the time, and the means, to pursue my passions, I have an attractive, heroic, hard working, incredible man who gives me the kind of love that people only think exists in only fairy tales, I am a kept woman......my hair, my body, my clothes, the car I drive,  the house I live in,  the nutrients, the warmth, and bountiful basic needs.....

It true..........I have everything and so much of it.....

....almost every day I wake up with gratitude, I look at my life in awe and cannot believe how lucky I am,  in order to maintain balance and give back to the universe I try to always be a good person, to love, to help, to write, to make myself invaluable to you and to the world.....

.....I have everything......and so much of it......but it means nothing.............all of it is valueless......I am not worthy.......

.....YOU are what gives it all value......and without you its all worthless.......including myself.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....a piece of glass....**

101414
beloved LEGS...

.....I started feeling it a few days ago.....that little hint of weakness, more tired than I should be.....a barely there sore throat and trace of sinus congestion.....but I told myself if I got enough rest and vitamins I would start feeling better......besides....I had a fight on Saturday....it was no time to allow myself to be sick.....

.....despite Beet Juice, Ginger, Garlic, Vitamins, Hot Tea, and plenty of rest, I knew that I had definitely caught the crud Saturday.  I willed myself to be healthy for another couple of hours and promised my body if it would just hold on, I would allow it to be sick after the fight.....

.....sure enough...after the fight coming down from the adrenaline high I could feel the achy exhaustion of a cold taking over......

.....being completely ALONE. IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. and SICK. just SUCKS.  BIG time.  I did pretty well Sunday but yesterday......I woke up after sleeping as long as I could and I just felt terrible.  I had taken some cold medicine in desperation the night before....shouldn't have done that.....I felt loopy, sick and nauseous.....

....I attempted to choke down some food, caught a chill, took a hot shower, and then crawled back into bed.  I wanted to write, to read, to knit, to watch a movie or a show, or at least escape the misery by sleeping.....but I couldn't do anything except lay there.....

.....Karmella was with me.......but the entire house was silent with the exception of the little clock ticking in the hallway.....as the tick bounced off the walls and the sound of my labored mouth breathing filled the emptiness....I felt incredibly, terribly, impossibly, lonely.....I just laid there.....trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself.....trying not to cry....or to give up.....

.....you called....I am glad that you called.....I have been feeling so lonely and pathetic lately, not just because I am sick, but in general.  You made me laugh, a deep belly, fully body, joyful laugh, which caused me to burst into tears at the same time......

....this curious mixture of emotions makes me realize I am probably closer to a nervous breakdown or some other form of extreme emotional outburst....a car window, or pyrex dish....I am not supposed to break...but its possible and when I do it will be in a million, shattered, little pieces......and whats worse....is....

Our conversations travel back and forth between light and laughing to tense and angry.....its a mature kind of anger.....an acceptance that nothing can be said or done to change the circumstance....but I still find myself perturbed.....and unable to let go of the things that frustrate me....

As I stood in the kitchen alone this morning making breakfast and wishing with my whole heart you were here so I could make you breakfast I started to think.....that.....

I accept so many frustrating things about our lives.....not knowing where we will live, when we will move, being alone much of the time, making terribly difficult decisions like whether or not to visit my family, whether or not what I do or how I am will affect you while you are deployed, giving up, stopping, starting, changing, accepting on the drop of a hat.....and lately the hardest task has been holding hope despite every sign around the world telling me to lose it.....

.....and yet.....you minimize it. 

I suspect its because you see the gains that I have obtained due to our lifestyle far outweighing the losses....in which case I would agree with you......and also you see your plight as equally or more challenging....and I would also agree with you.....

.....But I acknowledge that.  I constantly acknowledge how difficult it must be for you.  HELL! the whole damn world acknowledges your situation.  I thank you and praise you for all that you have given me.....because you have TRULY given me THE WORLD....and there is nothing more I could WANT.....

But you know.....just once I would like if you could acknowledge that these kind of losses, though the gains are insurmountably incomparable, and the horribly difficult decisions that I must make are not easy on me......and furthermore.....just once I would like you to consider or think of times where I have asked you to do the same for me.......perhaps there was a time or two, but we are reaching a point where the depth and number no longer hold......

Its not about winning or losing....or even proving a point....I am just simply asking for a nod of your head, a tip of your hat, a small form of understanding......and maybe if your feeling compassionate enough a little emotional generosity in my direction.....

....conceivably this deployment is just getting to me, and my frustrations are as a result of being both sick and tired of the whole damn thing.....if my dissension with you is completely groundless then its obvious I really am a piece of glass on the verge of shattering.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....thank you.....**

100814
beloved LEGS....

....I kissed Karmella yesterday. 

More than once. 

Because after the first time I realized something.  Its been a long time since I have done that.  Puckered my lips and given a kiss.  It felt stiff and unfamiliar.....

Since then I have been kissing her more than she probably likes.  Just because.....I don't want to forget what it feels like to kiss......I don't want to forget what it feels like to give love......in the form of a kiss.......

....Summer is gone.....the leaves have started changing and falling off the trees, its been colder and darker.....the perfect weather for cuddling....I have felt myself become a little more melancholy and I am fighting the urge to be lazier......

But....yesterday was a very nice sunny day....I opened the windows in the house to let the warm but crisp air circulate and as usual in NEVER NEVER LAND, black flies infiltrated.....I was this close to yelling out "FLY SLAYER I need you!"  I miss the way you rescue me.  Instead of being rescued, I just sucked them up in the vacuum cleaner.

....I want to thank you for something.  I want to thank you for loving me.  

Okay stop it- I know you are probably rolling your eyes or sighing with the thought in your mind- that it ain't no thing......but it is.  Its something really, really big, and possibly, in my eyes- one of your greatest achievements. 

I saw something yesterday.  

I wanted to thank you for never with your actions, your words, or your behavior, cheapening your love for me. 

....you have never (that I know of) spoken words so harshly against my character that people would second guess me, you have never admitted any kind of infidelity, emotional, physical or otherwise, you have never acted in any way to make others question your devotion and commitment to me.....at this point I probably owe you an apology because....I may be only slightly guilty of these things....

.....your the better man, the better half, LEGS.....I have never suffered a look of pity, a heartache, a smirk, a rumor, a question,  a whisper behind my back....and because of that your words mean everything they are supposed to mean.....because you are a man of honor, of truth.  When you say you love me, it can't be shook, guessed, questioned, or even answered.

I aspire to be the kind of woman who deserves that kind of man.  I aspire to be the kind of person you are, because when you say you love me, people stop dead in their tracks, they hold their breath, they look in awe of you, because they know deep down in their soul, wide across this Universe, and into whatever awaits us after this life......you mean it.

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....blue eyes.....**

100314
beloved LEGS...

....20 hours.  And if you thought that I haven't counted every millisecond, second, minute and hour your wrong.  20 hours and I am trying not to panic.....I keep telling myself in the old days when you were a Marine it was weeks before I heard from you.....but that time almost finished me.......and to my defense....I loved you just the same but I had not become so invested.....so dependent.....so completely consumed by you.....damn you....damn you for making me weak......

.....every time Karmella barks, or I hear a car, or I get ready to roll into the drive way...the hair on my neck stands up, I feel physically sick...sweaty palms, dry mouth and a churning in my gut.....its actually a lot like how I feel before a fight.....

.....I'm still wearing the smile you gave me from our last conversation....the "Chris Coussens Special"...a smile from the inside out....a shit eaten grin, head tilted eyes off in another world, chin ridiculously proud.....

....you made me feel like a teenage girl....bursting with gaiety, red with demure, slinking back coyly.....our cheeky and playful phone conversations have me over the moon for you....but I like how.....we both have no desire to cheapen the love and the intimacy between us....we play until we get close to the edge, then we laugh.....

....it makes me feel like a kid again....it makes me feel secure....that you value me enough, that you treasure me enough to treat me like a lady....to keep those delicate moments pure....in the sense that they will only be properly expressed.....rightly executed.....and genuine when they are in person....

....and still.....I think of you.....I fantasize about you and about us.....I think all these things....but I am wise enough to know they never actually go as I picture in my mind.....which makes me smile again and wonder what it will be like.....

.....its strange really......every time your away there is something that always plagues me...a persistent yearning for some small detail that I just wish for so badly....always something new.....always something different......I don't know why exactly, but this time......I miss looking into your extraordinary blue eyes......I miss it so much....that I am afraid that when you come home- I might never look away......and I'll be so captivated....you will never want to close them......

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**



 

...the idea...**

100214
beloved LEGS...

....The United States has begun bombing Syria and has announced it will be sending a Division Headquarters to Iraq as part of a "sustained Campaign."  In addition, US Troops are being sent to help with the worlds worst Ebola outbreak.  A woman was beheaded in the heart of the USA, and the first confirmed case of Ebola in the USA was just announced today.   At the moment you are in Afghanistan, and not set to return home for another 6 to 7 months. 

.....At first I feel....a bereft kind of sad....the air from my lungs is stolen away and any comfort, contentedness is taken from me....the sadness turns to hopelessness....a future so hard and bleak no light at the end of no tunnel.....the hopelessness turns to anger....an anger that devours any good....the anger turns to frustration....an irritatingly persistent inflammation....and the frustration turns to worry, disbelief and shock.....

.....I feel foolish and disappointed with myself for ever thinking that maybe we would see some peace at some point in your military career.....why did I ever hold out hope?  Whatever hope I have, will have or had is gone forever....its a waste of my energy.....

....And when I look to our country....for solace....for trust...for a renewal of patriotism, I only feel ashamed....embarrassed and I question even my own loyalty to my roots.....is it normal to feel this way?!?!

.....I feel powerless, out of control, and abandoned.....do you?!  I don't like feeling this way, and when I think of ways to....fix the problems, or the feelings....I am thoroughly at a loss for solutions....its a deep kind of helpless and hopeless......I often wonder if others share this burden with us, or even care....its hard to know.....

....I cling to the idea of us, because I am not even sure when you return what kind of life or issues we will be able to lead, the idea of us is the only thing I see or have in my mind that is hopeful, positive.....that is beautiful...but if you were paying attention you noticed I said the "idea" of us.....its not meant to be a malicious statement....but more an honest fact...that when you come home, after 13 months of living separately we will have to begin again....

.......To convince you the depth in which I hold on to this "idea" with every single molecule of my being......and that I absolutely depend on it for the survival of my TIGER spirit......I want you to know that......when. I. tell. you. I. Love. You.....

.....its like this fire rises up from deep within my soul....it sets my heart aflame....it burns me....and the only way to cool it down....the only way to let it breath....to put it out.....is to love you......

....when. I. tell. you. I. Miss. You......your missing from me.....I feel a morose despair for your presence.....every single second that I had with you....I relive in my mind....and I want nothing more....I would give, or do anything to have you back......

.....when. I. tell. you. to Infinity. For Eternity.  Its because I believe that possibly our love could change the course of history.....perhaps.....it could cause a wrinkle in time....or transcend all that is evil.....and maybe, if I just love you that hard, that much, for that long.....and you love me back.....

......just maybe, we could save the world......



.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....HTFU....**

092214
beloved LEGS...

I am a mess.....this week I have felt like.....somehow I have fallen in love with you all over again.....how do you do that?  You bring me down, you bring me up.....you kill me just to save me...........I am afraid that its just a delusion.....a mixture of romanticizing the past, and these passing exchanges we have shared the last couple of weeks......oh but how they have made my heart swell.....

......lately I have been having this vision of your face...the stars spell out your features while a ghostly picture of you lays in between....I have it when its hard....during training....or when I am awoken by a nightmare in the middle of the night...or when I feel so very alone.....it both haunts me and comforts me...

....I am afraid that I will lose you...this strong long distance passion between us gives me this unbearable anxiety.... because I have everything to lose.....it seems to be a conditioned response....whenever I feel happy and content LIFE comes in and destroys it.....

.....I was quoted on a public forum the other day....saying......"When I see weakness in a person, I just want to hurt them."......

I said that.  I honestly can't believe I said that.  I sound like a sociopath.  Obviously this statement was made in a certain context....a conversation about boxing.  I said I don't like to hurt people, unless they show me weakness in the ring.  When I see weakness in a person, I just want to hurt them.

I spent the whole day thinking about that one sentence, because honestly it scared me that I popped off and said that. Ya, okay, I said it in a certain context, but I started to wonder if it was maybe true in all parts of my life.......

......when I think about weakness I think about...the word strong.....

Honestly I am sick of hearing it.  I hear it all the time every single day for years on end.  People tell me to be strong.  People tell me I am strong.  Men tell me I am the strongest women they know.  Or if anybody is strong its you.  Its the one word that people use to describe me and the one word I use to describe myself.  I think about being strong all the time.  I tell myself to be strong.  Strong, the word, is so meaningful to me I have actually considered tattooing it on myself.....

.....As I was driving down the road today.....I was thinking about strength. 

....I started to think about why people keep saying that to me.  Do I really stand out more than others as strong?  Is that the only thing they can think to say?  Is it the word they think I need to hear...a form of encouragement?

My life isn't any harder than anybody else's..I truly believe that and.......I choose not to compete battle for battle.....but I was wondering exactly why it seems to be the one word I hear all the time.....

....several different circumstances reeled through my head like a film of times, where......my strength was probably hurtful to people that I care about....people that I love...

...but there is always in the back of my mind, a test that I give people....and the test is....if we were facing the end of the world....who wouldn't give up on me, who wouldn't give up on surviving.....family, friends, or not....if I ever feel like the person before me would give up.....then I know where they stand in my every day life....because.....for us....for me and you.....every single day is a survival situation....every single day is LIFE OR DEATH.....

.....the strength that I project is actually a bone chilling ability I have learned over the years.  Its a behavior, a pattern.....when things get hard.....I let the pain come into me....I embrace the burn....the heartache....I let it break me down a little.....sometimes I cry....a lot of times I get angry.....but most the time.....I let myself love it....I accept it and feed off of it.....I rub salt in the wound, grit my teeth and use the pain to keep my mind off how tired I feel.......

....Is that hard core?  I guess in my mind I just don't see what other option I have.  I could wince, cry, beg, I could lay down and give up......but where will that get me?  If I keep moving...than at least Ill be further away from where it was I obtained the injury.....maybe I just run....maybe that is all I do- run away....run with my mouth....write my words.....but even running is still trying.....and weakness is giving up......

....30 years on this earth and I have to say the most admirable, beautiful, amazing feats I have ever seen or read or heard about  committed by a human being is when they didn't give up despite all that was against them.  The stories of my ancestors, the lives of my Grandparents.....they just never gave up....

....my eyes are open....I watch everything around me every single day.....it seems like its harder to witness these feats of perseverance.....I don't see or know a lot of people that just refuse to give in these days.....it makes it hard for me to always stay motivated.....and I don't feel very often that I have comrades beside me.....

....on really dark days I sometimes think about joining the weakness, because it would be easier....and I would finally have some rest.....but I always stop short of crossing over...a force greater than me always holds me back and....something deep down inside of me refuses to live that way.....

....I won't be ashamed of my words.....because....when I do see weakness in people I do want to hurt them......because giving up is the worst kind of behavior.....it disgusts me, and I wonder how they can live with themselves day in and day out.....to me.....giving up is denying the humanity that has gotten us this far down the line.....giving up makes a person sub-human.....

I am strong, because I have no other choice.  My choice is strong, because strong is LIFE.....I choose to live.....because weakness is as good as dead......

.....HTFU.....

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

...the promise....**

092014
beloved LEGS...

....I had no idea what I was promising.....on the day we wed.....

I have to laugh because....people tried to tell me.....even though on the day I walked down the aisle and promised you all those things....that honestly seem a little silly to me now, I was blind and oh so naive, but.....to assure your soul......I was completely in love....a childish, oblivious diluted kind of love.....but still completely in love with you and all the promise that lay in your extraordinary blue eyes....

....there are days when I long for those insensible times...just because even though we were still dealing with the rest of the world and its problems.....I wasn't jaded.....I believed in blissfully blind love and I believed in the romance of war, of love, I believed we were both perfect.....I believed that....those silly things would last forever......

....in my wedding vows....I said  "a dream is a wish that your heart makes".....and we up until that point spent more than half our relationship only in our dreams.....it makes me sad that we still continue to exist mostly in our dreams.....the dreams we have of each other...the day dreams of our past, and the grand dreams for our future.....

....every day I hope to see the future....even though I am not foolish enough to believe that it will be easy or perfect....I just want to see it....the one with you and me.....together.....in the flesh......I want something I can touch, something solid I can believe is real.....

.....I wish I could say that I understood fully all the promises I made to you the day I told you I would love you for all eternity....I wish that I was angelic enough to honor all those hearty words....that I was heavenly and graceful enough to devoutly practice and commit even the selfish parts of myself to those vows....but alas I am not.....

....I don't think I have ever been so remorseful as I am in this moment writing you this letter.....I am deeply, truly and madly sorry that I wasn't enlightened enough to be all I said I would be....but I have hope.....baby I have hope.....

....I can't do or undo what has been done on one side or the other....nor can I even promise that I will be or do all that I promised....but the hopeless romantic in me is completely head over heels in starting over when you return....

......not because I can do better, but because I yearn for romantic oblivion....let's not kid one another....the promises we made.....are unimaginable....inconceivable....and perhaps rendered impossible by us both up to this point.....

 ......my hope is wrapped up in this extraordinary understanding of human nature you and I seem to command.....the realistic view that promising someone something so big, miraculous unforeseen and eternal....is impossible for a mere human....and what was promised on that day 8 years ago.....will really only be achieved when we become immortal...and perhaps that is what makes us survivable....a little star crossed....realistic...... 

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife....**

....lure....**

091814
beloved LEGS...

.....temptation...and the lure of love in all forms.....even unsavory ones....is a difficult thing to abstain and reject when I long to feel alive again......without the touch and companionship of another human being for extremely long periods of time it is impossible to feel lucid.....

...and even though I wander through my days practically deceased......I diffuse this sexual aura into the universe.....and I become acutely aware of every sexy thing that happens around me.....things that I would normally be oblivious to are suddenly glaringly apparent......and once I notice them....its like I can't take my eyes away.....I don't feel particularly or dangerously drawn to whatever it is I find appealing....but I find myself captivated......

....I can't help but think....that.....like many Heroines in our history,  books,  and films.....people are drawn to this Day of the Dead creature I have become.....like Cleopatra.....Medusa, Lilith, and even Eve.....both men and women alike are attracted to her.....

.....I would be lying if I didn't admit that I have indulged in conversations, connections, chemistry, and relationships that were not always in your best interest......And I will not defend nor make excuses for my behavior except to say.....

.....they made me feel.....good about myself.....desired....and in some shallow way.....concerned about and cared for......I had something to look forward in my day....something exciting....an escape.....a time or infatuation where I didn't have to be myself.....I didn't have to live with and deal with all the hardships and atrocities of you being away at war.....or going to war....

....I wonder what "IT" is.....what entices people to want to be close to something so departed?  Maybe its the darkness.....the mystery......the sadness......the danger....?  Is there something about a beautiful and dangerous fatalistic woman that begs to be saved?  Ravaged?  Understood?  Or conquered?

It would be untruthful if I didn't say.....I hope every time they will break me from this curse.....that with their attentions they will save me from this purgatory....and for that fleeting moment I feel alive and hopeful......

....and when I really question it....really dig deep and think about whether or not its possible for them to do so.....the answer is always no......I am cursed and only one can save me from living the rest of my days in this afflicted limbo....

....when I explore it further.....I become bizarrely aware that I rather enjoy and encourage the so called pursuit....but what's even more strange is.....they aren't pursuing me at all....they are pursuing a fantasy....an illusion that I allow them to believe....because in truth.....I am hunting them.....like a Tiger......I have no intention of keeping them, and no intention of mating them.....my only intention is to feed on them until my eternal food supply returns......

"you cannot possess someone so completely because they won't be yours.....but if you let them be free they will always be yours.....I don't know.....its science....." -Christopher Coussens

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

...not meant for ANY ONE....**

091714
beloved LEGS....

.....I've been thinking about it.....and you are truly my best friend.  I can share ANYTHING with you....and you won't judge me.....or hold all the crazy things I think and feel against me....NOTHING I have said or done has shocked you....or as far as I know made you love me any less......I think when you TRULY love someone you love their dark parts too....and you do- you love all of my imperfections and shortcomings and have forgiven me for all my mistakes.......

....I think that is what I miss most when you are away.  I miss my best friend.  I miss letting down my 50 meter radius.....my tough exterior....and not wearing this goddamn coat of armor......chastity belt included.....

....I am tired of holding it together and falling apart alone....of being driven around by all these feelings and dropped off in the middle of no where....I reach this point where....I honestly become weird....I have weird thoughts.....I am sick of crying myself into oblivion and then instead of having at least a damn witness to my anguish sitting there afterwards in silence.....well I guess I better get to bed....or finish the laundry....or get ready for the gym......I am tired of having no witness to my life.....no reliable presence to share thoughts with.....and no human diary to purge all the pain I see others going through.....

I miss my lover.   I am sick of wanting to be touched....and held.....and kissed.....and settling for awkward hugs with my team mates and trainers....or forcing Karmella to endure longer than she likes spooning and cuddles with me...I miss breakfast in bed and hearing you breath next to me at night.....I miss the tension of the moment.....I miss the breaking point....the gentleness....the fierceness.....I miss you playing with my hair.....I miss my favorite.....I miss being sexy and feeling sexy.....I miss knowing that you are looking at my ass.....

This LIFE....is not meant for ANY ONE.  And its certainly not meant for EVERY ONE.  I think it takes a really special person to gracefully deal with all that is asked of a military spouse. 

....I wish I could call you whenever I want, but I really wish I could call you when I have something on my mind.  I wish you were around all the time, but I really wish you were around during the good times.....I wish you were here to take care of me, but I really wish you were here so I could take care of you.......I wish you were here to love me.....and hug me.....but I really wish that you were here so I could love you....and hug you......and kiss you.....I would kiss you all day if you were here......

.....military life is an extreme dichotomy......a double edged sword....

....the freedom is astounding....when you are away I can do whatever I want, I come home when I want, I leave when I want, I talk to whomever I want,  I eat what I want, I watch what I want....I do everything my way......

...but.....the loneliness is imprisonment.....I can do whatever I want.....but I must do it alone......

.....the adventure is never ending.....the danger....the excitement......living in different lands, travel, your job, learning other cultures and languages....the goodbyes....the reunions...life......war.....love......

...but.....the uncertainty is maddening...we don't know where, we don't know when, and war......life and love.......can be lost.....

.....there is always a shift.....a deployment, a field time, a school, a move, a new interest, a new place, new friends, a new language, a new job, a new house, a reunion.....which causes a renaissance or a dark age......and probably the most painful part is the transition...........I live more than one life....in one lifetime.....I become another women every time there's a shift.....I fall in and out of love with a new man every time you leave and return.....

...but amidst all of this constant, steady, change......there is one thing I always have......and that is MY BEST FRIEND......I know you are my RIDE OR DIE.....I know you are my NO MATTER WHAT......I know your going to be their in the END.......because you have proven it to me so many times......over all the years we may not have always loved one another......but we were LOYAL to the idea.....we were devoted to our story.....we were dedicated to one another.....and because of this we always discovered our LOVE again....and THAT is what makes it TRUE.....because TRUE LOVE is surviving and defying the odds.... 

.....this life is not meant for any one.....and its certainly not meant for everyone.....but losing you would be throwing myself upon that sword......


.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**