.....everything...and so much of it.....**

101914
beloved LEGS...

.....I have everything....and so much of it....

.....I slept in this morning.  I woke up when the sun peeked through the shutters.  I laid in bed for entirely too long,  surfing the internet.  I spent several minutes cuddling with Karmella, telling her how much I love her, she was in that cute mood that I love.   I put on some music, made the bed.  I went down to the kitchen and made breakfast in my underwear.  I baked.  I baked some sweets for you.

And then, I made the decision, to lounge the rest of the day.  I snuggled back into bed, worked on a knitting project while watching my favorite show.  Later, I plan on taking a hot bath. 

No two days are exactly the same.....I enjoy a variety of places, people, errands, chores, routines.....I rise and tuck into bed according to my needs, I am my own business, I am my own trademark.......

I have everything, and so much of it......

People keep asking me what is wrong, or if I am okay, the question has become so common I feel like screaming.  

I sent you a message....reaching out.....because after being asked more than one day in a row....I figured I am holding some kind of stress.....a wrinkle in my forehead, a fall in my smile, a sadness in my eyes, that despite my attempt to be aware of it.....escapes me....

"I've been sad and angry all day....and yesterday, because I just fucking miss you. I really miss you. I hate you for making me so miserable and dependent....because I love you....that is all...."

It wasn't exactly poetic or pretty but I think my point was delivered clearly.  

And you wrote me back...typical Christopher swagger.....a few words that drive a rippling impact straight to my heart....as I begin to read them....tears immediately rise in my eyes.....and yet I come back to them over and over to remind myself its not only a dream.....its real.....what we have is real.....

 'I love you too......I promise to love you twice as hard when i get home that is all'

I have EVERYTHING........... and so much of it........

I have  complete and total freedom, the time, and the means, to pursue my passions, I have an attractive, heroic, hard working, incredible man who gives me the kind of love that people only think exists in only fairy tales, I am a kept woman......my hair, my body, my clothes, the car I drive,  the house I live in,  the nutrients, the warmth, and bountiful basic needs.....

It true..........I have everything and so much of it.....

....almost every day I wake up with gratitude, I look at my life in awe and cannot believe how lucky I am,  in order to maintain balance and give back to the universe I try to always be a good person, to love, to help, to write, to make myself invaluable to you and to the world.....

.....I have everything......and so much of it......but it means nothing.............all of it is valueless......I am not worthy.......

.....YOU are what gives it all value......and without you its all worthless.......including myself.....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....a piece of glass....**

101414
beloved LEGS...

.....I started feeling it a few days ago.....that little hint of weakness, more tired than I should be.....a barely there sore throat and trace of sinus congestion.....but I told myself if I got enough rest and vitamins I would start feeling better......besides....I had a fight on Saturday....it was no time to allow myself to be sick.....

.....despite Beet Juice, Ginger, Garlic, Vitamins, Hot Tea, and plenty of rest, I knew that I had definitely caught the crud Saturday.  I willed myself to be healthy for another couple of hours and promised my body if it would just hold on, I would allow it to be sick after the fight.....

.....sure enough...after the fight coming down from the adrenaline high I could feel the achy exhaustion of a cold taking over......

.....being completely ALONE. IN A FOREIGN COUNTRY. and SICK. just SUCKS.  BIG time.  I did pretty well Sunday but yesterday......I woke up after sleeping as long as I could and I just felt terrible.  I had taken some cold medicine in desperation the night before....shouldn't have done that.....I felt loopy, sick and nauseous.....

....I attempted to choke down some food, caught a chill, took a hot shower, and then crawled back into bed.  I wanted to write, to read, to knit, to watch a movie or a show, or at least escape the misery by sleeping.....but I couldn't do anything except lay there.....

.....Karmella was with me.......but the entire house was silent with the exception of the little clock ticking in the hallway.....as the tick bounced off the walls and the sound of my labored mouth breathing filled the emptiness....I felt incredibly, terribly, impossibly, lonely.....I just laid there.....trying really hard not to feel sorry for myself.....trying not to cry....or to give up.....

.....you called....I am glad that you called.....I have been feeling so lonely and pathetic lately, not just because I am sick, but in general.  You made me laugh, a deep belly, fully body, joyful laugh, which caused me to burst into tears at the same time......

....this curious mixture of emotions makes me realize I am probably closer to a nervous breakdown or some other form of extreme emotional outburst....a car window, or pyrex dish....I am not supposed to break...but its possible and when I do it will be in a million, shattered, little pieces......and whats worse....is....

Our conversations travel back and forth between light and laughing to tense and angry.....its a mature kind of anger.....an acceptance that nothing can be said or done to change the circumstance....but I still find myself perturbed.....and unable to let go of the things that frustrate me....

As I stood in the kitchen alone this morning making breakfast and wishing with my whole heart you were here so I could make you breakfast I started to think.....that.....

I accept so many frustrating things about our lives.....not knowing where we will live, when we will move, being alone much of the time, making terribly difficult decisions like whether or not to visit my family, whether or not what I do or how I am will affect you while you are deployed, giving up, stopping, starting, changing, accepting on the drop of a hat.....and lately the hardest task has been holding hope despite every sign around the world telling me to lose it.....

.....and yet.....you minimize it. 

I suspect its because you see the gains that I have obtained due to our lifestyle far outweighing the losses....in which case I would agree with you......and also you see your plight as equally or more challenging....and I would also agree with you.....

.....But I acknowledge that.  I constantly acknowledge how difficult it must be for you.  HELL! the whole damn world acknowledges your situation.  I thank you and praise you for all that you have given me.....because you have TRULY given me THE WORLD....and there is nothing more I could WANT.....

But you know.....just once I would like if you could acknowledge that these kind of losses, though the gains are insurmountably incomparable, and the horribly difficult decisions that I must make are not easy on me......and furthermore.....just once I would like you to consider or think of times where I have asked you to do the same for me.......perhaps there was a time or two, but we are reaching a point where the depth and number no longer hold......

Its not about winning or losing....or even proving a point....I am just simply asking for a nod of your head, a tip of your hat, a small form of understanding......and maybe if your feeling compassionate enough a little emotional generosity in my direction.....

....conceivably this deployment is just getting to me, and my frustrations are as a result of being both sick and tired of the whole damn thing.....if my dissension with you is completely groundless then its obvious I really am a piece of glass on the verge of shattering.....

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....thank you.....**

100814
beloved LEGS....

....I kissed Karmella yesterday. 

More than once. 

Because after the first time I realized something.  Its been a long time since I have done that.  Puckered my lips and given a kiss.  It felt stiff and unfamiliar.....

Since then I have been kissing her more than she probably likes.  Just because.....I don't want to forget what it feels like to kiss......I don't want to forget what it feels like to give love......in the form of a kiss.......

....Summer is gone.....the leaves have started changing and falling off the trees, its been colder and darker.....the perfect weather for cuddling....I have felt myself become a little more melancholy and I am fighting the urge to be lazier......

But....yesterday was a very nice sunny day....I opened the windows in the house to let the warm but crisp air circulate and as usual in NEVER NEVER LAND, black flies infiltrated.....I was this close to yelling out "FLY SLAYER I need you!"  I miss the way you rescue me.  Instead of being rescued, I just sucked them up in the vacuum cleaner.

....I want to thank you for something.  I want to thank you for loving me.  

Okay stop it- I know you are probably rolling your eyes or sighing with the thought in your mind- that it ain't no thing......but it is.  Its something really, really big, and possibly, in my eyes- one of your greatest achievements. 

I saw something yesterday.  

I wanted to thank you for never with your actions, your words, or your behavior, cheapening your love for me. 

....you have never (that I know of) spoken words so harshly against my character that people would second guess me, you have never admitted any kind of infidelity, emotional, physical or otherwise, you have never acted in any way to make others question your devotion and commitment to me.....at this point I probably owe you an apology because....I may be only slightly guilty of these things....

.....your the better man, the better half, LEGS.....I have never suffered a look of pity, a heartache, a smirk, a rumor, a question,  a whisper behind my back....and because of that your words mean everything they are supposed to mean.....because you are a man of honor, of truth.  When you say you love me, it can't be shook, guessed, questioned, or even answered.

I aspire to be the kind of woman who deserves that kind of man.  I aspire to be the kind of person you are, because when you say you love me, people stop dead in their tracks, they hold their breath, they look in awe of you, because they know deep down in their soul, wide across this Universe, and into whatever awaits us after this life......you mean it.

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

.....blue eyes.....**

100314
beloved LEGS...

....20 hours.  And if you thought that I haven't counted every millisecond, second, minute and hour your wrong.  20 hours and I am trying not to panic.....I keep telling myself in the old days when you were a Marine it was weeks before I heard from you.....but that time almost finished me.......and to my defense....I loved you just the same but I had not become so invested.....so dependent.....so completely consumed by you.....damn you....damn you for making me weak......

.....every time Karmella barks, or I hear a car, or I get ready to roll into the drive way...the hair on my neck stands up, I feel physically sick...sweaty palms, dry mouth and a churning in my gut.....its actually a lot like how I feel before a fight.....

.....I'm still wearing the smile you gave me from our last conversation....the "Chris Coussens Special"...a smile from the inside out....a shit eaten grin, head tilted eyes off in another world, chin ridiculously proud.....

....you made me feel like a teenage girl....bursting with gaiety, red with demure, slinking back coyly.....our cheeky and playful phone conversations have me over the moon for you....but I like how.....we both have no desire to cheapen the love and the intimacy between us....we play until we get close to the edge, then we laugh.....

....it makes me feel like a kid again....it makes me feel secure....that you value me enough, that you treasure me enough to treat me like a lady....to keep those delicate moments pure....in the sense that they will only be properly expressed.....rightly executed.....and genuine when they are in person....

....and still.....I think of you.....I fantasize about you and about us.....I think all these things....but I am wise enough to know they never actually go as I picture in my mind.....which makes me smile again and wonder what it will be like.....

.....its strange really......every time your away there is something that always plagues me...a persistent yearning for some small detail that I just wish for so badly....always something new.....always something different......I don't know why exactly, but this time......I miss looking into your extraordinary blue eyes......I miss it so much....that I am afraid that when you come home- I might never look away......and I'll be so captivated....you will never want to close them......

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**



 

...the idea...**

100214
beloved LEGS...

....The United States has begun bombing Syria and has announced it will be sending a Division Headquarters to Iraq as part of a "sustained Campaign."  In addition, US Troops are being sent to help with the worlds worst Ebola outbreak.  A woman was beheaded in the heart of the USA, and the first confirmed case of Ebola in the USA was just announced today.   At the moment you are in Afghanistan, and not set to return home for another 6 to 7 months. 

.....At first I feel....a bereft kind of sad....the air from my lungs is stolen away and any comfort, contentedness is taken from me....the sadness turns to hopelessness....a future so hard and bleak no light at the end of no tunnel.....the hopelessness turns to anger....an anger that devours any good....the anger turns to frustration....an irritatingly persistent inflammation....and the frustration turns to worry, disbelief and shock.....

.....I feel foolish and disappointed with myself for ever thinking that maybe we would see some peace at some point in your military career.....why did I ever hold out hope?  Whatever hope I have, will have or had is gone forever....its a waste of my energy.....

....And when I look to our country....for solace....for trust...for a renewal of patriotism, I only feel ashamed....embarrassed and I question even my own loyalty to my roots.....is it normal to feel this way?!?!

.....I feel powerless, out of control, and abandoned.....do you?!  I don't like feeling this way, and when I think of ways to....fix the problems, or the feelings....I am thoroughly at a loss for solutions....its a deep kind of helpless and hopeless......I often wonder if others share this burden with us, or even care....its hard to know.....

....I cling to the idea of us, because I am not even sure when you return what kind of life or issues we will be able to lead, the idea of us is the only thing I see or have in my mind that is hopeful, positive.....that is beautiful...but if you were paying attention you noticed I said the "idea" of us.....its not meant to be a malicious statement....but more an honest fact...that when you come home, after 13 months of living separately we will have to begin again....

.......To convince you the depth in which I hold on to this "idea" with every single molecule of my being......and that I absolutely depend on it for the survival of my TIGER spirit......I want you to know that......when. I. tell. you. I. Love. You.....

.....its like this fire rises up from deep within my soul....it sets my heart aflame....it burns me....and the only way to cool it down....the only way to let it breath....to put it out.....is to love you......

....when. I. tell. you. I. Miss. You......your missing from me.....I feel a morose despair for your presence.....every single second that I had with you....I relive in my mind....and I want nothing more....I would give, or do anything to have you back......

.....when. I. tell. you. to Infinity. For Eternity.  Its because I believe that possibly our love could change the course of history.....perhaps.....it could cause a wrinkle in time....or transcend all that is evil.....and maybe, if I just love you that hard, that much, for that long.....and you love me back.....

......just maybe, we could save the world......



.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**