beloved LEGS...
...over night it turned from a beautifully mild fall to a blustery winter......and with it....I settled into a deeply and violently offensive acridness.........my face is gloomy and gray, my lips sit comfortably in a pout, to smile or laugh leaves me........exhausted........I feel sleepy but I just keep blaming the weather.....I want to throw and break things just explode and scream and yell.....I want to climb in the ring and fight my opponent.....
....I watch from the window as the trees are thrown this way and that....its almost as if they are in disbelief.....that nature can be so wild with rage.....and while the rain pelts the window, I think- thank god even the universe gets angry.....even the universe throws tantrums.....there's hope for me still.....
....I want to call you and tell you to stop appearing in my dreams night after night.......because I wish I woke happier, but in the twilight of the morning just before I come out of subconscious.....I breathe you in and say goodbye......
....a few mornings ago I woke up remembering that I had a dream you and I were gossiping in the kitchen.....it was so casual and completely normal....there it is....a snapshot in the life of an unlikely military wife.....the sexiest dreams I have are you and I talking in the kitchen....and the deleterious are the dreams in which.....even though its you I have no idea who you are.....
.......some of my old deployment habits have taken completely over....music is played in the house non-stop so I don't feel so alone, a small wish that it will fill the emptiness.....the hole inside my soul.....I have even started falling asleep to audiobooks or movies because sleeping alone makes me feel......terribly depressed......and sometimes afraid....Karmella stirs or I think I hear something.....I close my eyes and hide under the blankets and pray that it is nothing.....
.....fantasizing about you......about you coming home, about hugging you and seeing your face for the first time, about sleeping next to you....kissing you....you kissing and touching me....are what get me through the days.....but these daydreams also creep into the small part of me, the humanness......the crack of a smile or a tear in the corner of my eye.....the visions of these small but incredibly meaningful moments.....spring from my eyes in tears and make my heart cry out for you.......they leave me a desperate desire and powerful longing.......
......I have started to prepare for your homecoming, I tell myself if everything is ready maybe the days will pass faster and you and I will finally be together again.......in every instance of my daily routine I mark my secret single behaviors, I have been cooking more, tending to things I have long abandoned......
.....and suddenly, though I realize it sounds strange.....I am rediscovering myself as a woman....the curve of my hip, the romance in my eyes, the softness of my lips and the words I long to say to you......I forgot about her.....as a coping mechanism....I became asexual.....
.....she is almost more than I can handle.....a jubilant old fashioned woman, a helpless hopeless romantic, that sincerely believes.....in fairy tale beginnings and happy endings.....she believes that a Knight in shining armor is coming to rescue her....that though she does not know this man, he will be perfect in all ways.....and though he know her not.......will fall in love with her all over again.....
.....in this legend......she rescues him back.....**
.....just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
