....I am ALIEN...**

022014
Day 12

beloved LEGS...

the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars.”

― Jack Kerouac

Do you ever look around at the people your with and think......who are these people?  And then one of them says something and you feel like.....an alien who was accidentally put on the wrong planet?  Or maybe like a human who was put into the future or the past?  Like the conditions of this current situation physically affect you, the confusion bewilders you and you do not have the tools necessary to comprehend or deal......I feel this....all the time when you are gone....like....I can't breathe....or understand the language, and I am so dumbfounded....that I can't even pretend to act normal so I kind of sit there with a dumb look on my face....or sometimes I look down to avoid being discovered....or sometimes I just have to escape......

and then as soon as I get home, in my world, on my planet, I feel......so much better......weightless, safe, and relieved.....

It frightens me how much of a loner I can really be.....I get worried about losing my ability to interact with the world, and with people.....I worry that it could be permenantly damaging to me.....that being said.....I find everything I am doing so specialized and different that I hardly have anything in common with people......

Am I that weird?  I listen to all the chatter, and the events and circumstances of other peoples lives and I feel.....terribly misfit......I have no way to interact or contribute to the things that are being experienced and shared......I feel old beyond my years.....the things people are talking about seem....so trivial and.....shallow.....I try really hard to formulate depth and hold a meaningful conversation with them and I am disappointed. 

Is that all there is?  People have the opportunity to change the world and leave a mark, a legacy, to never be forgotten.....and these are the things that they are doing?  These are the things they are talking about.....or what's worse....when they say nothing......Is there more?  Tell me there is something more!  Do I intimidate people or must I instruct them to give me something real, something deep and meaningful?  .....I want depth.....I want someone to capture my attention and hold it.....why do I feel so lost in translation?  Why do I feel so hungry for stimulation.....for conversation.....for hope.......?

I flock to Mariannae, the CrossFit gym,  and the box team like....a child to candy because they nourish my spirit with maturity, intellect, and sapience.....because my life is enriched and I learn and I don't feel like an alien any more when I am with them.  But still.....the support I seem to need in order to handle and deal with decisions and obstacles in my every day life are......too much for me to ask of these people.....my need to chat and speak and over think with a sounding board......about what I should do and what the right decision is.....anxiously is left only....to me.......

And when I am disappointed by someone...or a conversation, or time spent.....I get really low, and feel really strange.....I rock back forth trying to decide in a panic how I can feel better.  I constantly questions myself, my thoughts, and my attitudes.....holy crap!  Is it me?  Am I just another judgmental elite bitch? Or I rationalize.....that I am rare, different, and for all intents and purposes....

I AM ALIEN........or....at the very least.....MAD......

....just another day in the life of an unlikely military ALIEN....**

....too many circles.....**

Day 3, 4, 5, 6 and 7
021514

beloved LEGS....

I find you.  The whole world becomes you, when your gone.  I find your kindness in Dario.  I find the one I love to travel and be goofy with in Court.  I find the your ability to push me and be honest when I am not challenging myself enough in Coach Rob....I find you in the man I want to be beautiful for, I find our belly laughs in the kids at the boxing gym, your ability to control my mood with music, your ability to stand on my side from Kelsey.  The one I want to treasure in Keri.  The want I want to try hard for in Coach Igor.  The one I want to encourage and support in any way possible in Deniel and Christian.  The one I root for in Kaybear.  The one I share comfortable silence with in Rachel.  My confidant and empathy in Megan.  My Uncle Stevie cracks me up.....and I know its something you would crack up at too!  I find your unconditional love and companionship in Karmella.  I find my cheer in Mariannae.  I find the nerd in my Daddy and the cheerleader in my Mommy.  My friendship and sounding board in the Rosie Girls.  I find you in everything I do.  But I never find the HERO.....

.....my boredom and seeming boundless amount of time you have left me with has turned into a type of cleaning mania.....I have cleaned every single inch of this house for a week straight!  I was thinking it is now ready for anything that could happen....a move, a deployment, visitors, or any emergencies that should arise....that's a completely dark thought, but a lesson I've learned the hard way....

........my closet is like a map of our lives.....that Echo Recon Sweatshirt is our first memories of yesteryear......the shirt I was wearing to the air show the day of our first date....can't go wrong with red/pink and orange camo....I remember saying this is the camoflauge we should wear when we go after Osama Bin Laden......so much has changed even he has died and he was so hard to find....the dress I wore for the last ball, our wedding reception, Emily's graduation.....I was big, I was small, I was confident, I was sad, I was angry, I was sick, and you loved me all those times.....has anything even ever changed at all?.....or is it ONLY US????

......maybe the only thing in life that ever changes is YOU as a person.....maybe everything else continues and circles....you deal in the same trouble ever single round and if you do well....you change so the next time it comes around....you can handle it....... maybe life is just like....a cyclic of never ending problems and issues....but they are always....basically the same.....

...I am feeling exceptionally.....OLD....maybe.....I have made too many circles around the sun? 

First it was falling down at boxing.....TWICE.....in a week.......
Then it was the cleaning.....usually when I decide to clean....like really deep clean the house....I will knock it out in three days...no sleep....just get it done....

It took me a week.....I donated every single free second I had to cleaning.....but sometimes I would lay down on the floor and just rest for fifteen minutes....and sometimes I would decided I needed a nap and lay down for 45 minutes......

I have been oscillating....between overcompensation and apathy......I have said things I would never say in an effort to try to forge a relationship that will complete me the way you do.....and I have found the smallest....well some big things.....to dislike or be frustrated with the new people in my life.....I guess I am learning that I really have changed living in Europe for so long.....my attitudes and beliefs toward some common American practices and at times the American attitude to be so irritating that my patience and compassion toward people is frugal to say the least....

....the high highs are really high, spending time with the box team, the German neighbors, and friends are my happiness, but when those times aren't going well or all the in between times....I feel strange and a little blue......I just operate completely different when your are not around.....no wonder its so hard when you return.....

....Just another 5 days worth of unstable thoughts from an unlikely military wife.........

.....f**k it....**

Day 4

021114

beloved LEGS.....

Karmella says......F&*% it!.....bury yourself under a million coats.....

 

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**

...I am HER again....

Day 3
021014

beloved LEGS....

I went to boxing last night and hurt my ankle........again.....I was so embarrassed when I went down....I felt like an old lady.....the peculiar thing is that on the way there.....I was questioning whether I have what it takes to do this....I thought to myself that the Universe should send me a sign.....well....SHIT.....I guess it did......

I am sitting in the house feeling, weak, broken, alone, insecure and unsure of myself or my purpose right now.  I am trying to navigate my next step but its hard when I am limping both physically and mentally.

.....enough is enough.....


The crazy neurosis have kicked in.....a deep clean of the house is under way..........I am going through my closet......two LEGS in ONE LEG of my OLD JEANS!!!!

Did Crossfit.....funny stuff;

We did GS mobility and I was paired up with a newish girl, I can't remember her name but she is a cutie, short, strong and sweet, she is trying to do the shoulder blade thing at the end but because she is so short she is having trouble, so.....that guy that has been helping Coach Rob lately- seesh- I can't remember his name either.....you and I have talked about him before- lots of tattoos  and physically impressive...? 

So anyways..... he is the one pushing my shoulders through.....  but I don't know that I think its the girl, so there I am saying "OH ya that's the spot, damn you do it good..." I hop down off the bar turn around and its him!?!?! You leave for three days, and I am already saying inappropriate things to other men and blushing at the realization.....

I should have used a bigger kettle bell....damn it....

I got a lot of HUGS,  and Gunther touched my ass again- I was like "who the f*&^!? And then I saw that it was him...ha ha! .....

and I left feeling, like a survivor....

I am HER again.  The cold one.  I accept it, I welcome its embrace.  Beautiful but poisonous......with no heart.......

A beautiful girl lives inside a house.  Inside a German Village.  The German Village is in the Universe, but some where around the world.  The house has a red peaked roof, that sits under the stars and moon and sun, and rain, and snow, and frost, and wind lots and lots of wind.  And under the roof is a beautiful girl that sleeps there alone, and eats there, she lives there alone in house on a hill.  And then one night, In the Universe, around the world, in German Village, in a house on a hill with red peaked roof, under the stars and the moon, under a blanket of snow, and frost, and in the wind she becomes a solitaire.  She is a .....gem, an isolated jewel......something prized especially for great beauty or perfection......but like a semiprecious stone that has been cut and polished for an ornament, an ornament is hollow.....A beautiful jewel lives inside a house, Inside a German Village, but nobody knows where.......

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

....battle injuries....**

Day 2
020914

beloved LEGS..... 

so far the odds are not in my favor....

 
...you would be upset with me....I have steadily ate nothing but Somoa bars since yesterday....when I get hungry I mope into the kitchen, my hair disheveled, cold feet, I creep back to the couch and eat the bar letting the sugar sooth my aching soul.....and it almost works....until the delectable treat is gone....than I slide down into the couch all morose.....I lay there and try to focus on whatever....facebook, music, movie, television show.....anything but the emptiness of the house.....

I have told myself all day I need to get my life together.....but something holds me back from getting off the couch....like an incredible weight pressing down on me....an arthritis in my bones...a nothingness in my brain.....zero. ZERO motivation......

the only reason I get off the couch is to let Karmella outside.....she stands there on he porch and looks at me like "what the fuck did you do to make my favorite human leave!?!....she's totally pissed.....she has that indifferent I'll do what I want attitude....I have called her in the house she stands on the porch and than runs off.....and she doesn't listen or care.....she has escaped the fence more in the last twenty four hours....I think she goes and looks for you.....at least that is what I tell myself to prevent myself from beating her ass......

I just feel like I can't face the world.....and to make matters worse....

....my face isn't pretty....I have incurred my first battle injury.....an ego crushing blemish......a pimple the size of ALASKA on my chin......its big and red and it hurts like hell..........

Its just not possible to put on a good face.....and vanity is such a bitch....why must I feel beautiful before I can face my life?  

 

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**

....its a battle....**

Day 1
020814

Beloved LEGS,

yesterday was hypnotic...every emotion captured me with a death grip....moments of extreme joy and love, moments of low, low sadness....flashes of irritation and frustration, moments of shutting down or slowing down to really be sure it was all happening...

sometimes before you leave....I slink away from you.....you know how sometimes you drive somewhere and then later on you realize you can't even remember the drive because you were disconnected....there is a psychological term for it, its when you dissociate....people often do it during times of distress...some even describe it as leaving their bodies....this happens to me...its such a bullshit coping mechanism....but the instinctual habits I have somehow created...deem my survivability the most important....I wonder sometimes if deep deep deep way deep down.....we do by whatever means necessary fight to survive however possible.....

....you took me upstairs....laid me down on the bed....and loved me....even though I was sad....and stubborn......and terrified to be close to you one last time....you gave me beautiful compliments and Hollywood kisses in the kitchen, you danced with me when a love song came on.......and you hugged me.....a lot......its every girls dream that every day be like yesterday....

....I felt every single emotion and I meant to, I forced myself to feel on purpose, if I was sad I allowed myself to cry, but I didn't always show you, if I felt love for you, its the most pure uncorrupted love I have ever felt, if I felt vulnerable and weak, I clung to you and laid myself bare.....

....but its today now.......

....I am already exhausted...carrying the weight and anxiety of keeping a schedule and operating normally while your away......after the lame attempt at sleep I feel like a zombie.....so its like being tired, on top of being sad, on top of feeling empty.....we left under night fall....the stars were out and the glimmering lights from little German towns shimmered between the trees.....I hoped on all of it that we can both be strong enough.....

the glorious sunrise was not to be enjoyed because it was at our backs....it was hard today.  I swear I saw your heart break when you said goodbye....it was at that moment that I began to cry....as secretly as I could......I watched you until I couldn't see you anymore.....I think sometimes I stay so long just to believe its really happening......

Once you were out of sight....I cracked like a china doll...I looked up and had the thought.....that your the only one who can make me cry like that....I took a deep breath and felt the urgency to hurry through that feeling....I walked in the airport like the beautiful possession of a gentlemen.....and left a warrior queen.....suddenly every detail of every person, every corner, every sign, every car, every single sense was in full capacity, in full spectrum.....from here on out its a battle every single day....

 

.....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....** 

FOOD:....Homemade Somoa Bars.....**

....Homemade Samoa Bars...........**

Can be found on my pinterest on my dessert board or located at the link below....**

http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/

Print

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99

Print

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99vvv

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99

Homemade Samoa Bars

Prep Time: 30 minutes

Cook Time: 20 minutes

Yield: 24 squares

Shortbread cookies topped with a caramel coconut layer and dipped in chocolate.

Ingredients

For the Crust

1/2 cup sugar

3/4 cup butter, softened

1 egg

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

2 cups flour

For the Topping

3 cups shredded coconut

12-oz chewy caramels, I used Kraft

1/4 teaspoon salt

3 Tablespoons milk

2 cups chocolate chips

2 teaspoons shortening

Instructions

1. Preheat oven to 300*. Spread the coconut evenly on a baking sheet and toast for 20 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes, until coconut is golden. Cool on baking sheet, stirring occasionally. Set aside.
2. In a large bowl, beat together the sugar and butter, until creamy. Beat in egg and vanilla extract. Slowly beat in flour and salt until mixture is crumbly. Pour the dough crumbs into a greased 9x13 pan and press into an even layer. Bake at 350* for 20-25 minutes. The edges should be lightly brown. Cool completely on a wire rack before adding the topping.
3. Unwrap the caramels and place in a small sauce pan with the salt and milk. Heat on medium low heat until melted and creamy. Stir in the toasted coconut. Spread over the cooled crust. Let cool completely. Cut into 24 squares.
4. Place the chocolate chips and shortening in a microwave safe bowl. Heat for 30 seconds and stir. Continue heating for 15 seconds, stirring after each time. Do not over heat. Dip the bottoms of the bars in the chocolate and place on a piece of wax paper to set. Place the remaining chocolate in a small plastic bag and cut off one corner. Drizzle the chocolate over the tops of the bars. Let set. Store in a sealed container on the counter. Makes 24 squares.

Read more at http://insidebrucrewlife.com/2010/03/homemade-samoa-bars/#JCXjXdLQKJhWlJh8.99

....the food we eat.....**

02072014

tminusoneday 

Beloved LEGS,

You think I am sleeping....but I'm not.  I hear you down there cooking up some bacon and eggs....pulling out two plates.....you always leave my breakfast on the kitchen counter...I know I will be forcing myself to eat every morning, because you tell me that I need to be BIG and STRONG for boxing...nothing is ever as satisfying when your not around.......

and last night while you were sleeping....I was treasuring you....there next to me.....there was just enough light in the room to illuminate your profile....and every time the pulsing light would gloss over you...I would smile..you would breathe in.....and then I breathed when you breathed....

I cannot tell you how peaceful in my soul that made me feel....that at that moment at that time, we were perfectly in sync....it didn't matter to me that it may be awhile before that happens again....all that mattered to me was having that memory...its one of those snapshots that I shall think up on often...especially when I am scared, or sad, or for whatever reason feeling weak.....

 

.....here we are again.....Karmella is nervously pacing the house, your bags are being packed and getting ready to go.....the whole house and my entire brain are turned upside down......and my heart is breaking.....

People often say the worst pain  experienced in life is quickly forgotten....or isn't it?    Maybe it wouldn't be so difficult if I can't remember how hard it was the last time....I have decided the only way we will survive and come out on the other side of this.....the only way our marriage will withstand these frequent and horribly long  absences is if we stay together.....NO MATTER WHAT.....but I guess that's what this is....isn't it?  

We finally managed to recreate a fragile connection...didn't we? I wish that it was easier....and that reconnecting with you took a shorter amount of time...that I could some how change the hours and moments it takes to feel like we are us again...like I am me again......don't you?

I wonder sometimes....if I just love pain.  If maybe I enjoy the lingering burn.....and break.....and then the suffocation, the heaviness and the isolation.  Maybe I secretly wonder how much I can take.....how much we can take....don't you?

The other day at Coffee one of the ROSIE GIRLS announced she was pregnant...such a happy miraculous thing....naturally a wave of jealously came over me because I had hoped for a family for us by now.....but with all the uncertainty I just can't stand it...

..I was then sobered by the thought that.....she will be pregnant and then have the child and the baby will be 6 months old before he or she ever meets his or her father.......is it selfish that I don't want that kind of story?  Or isn't it?  My admiration for her bravery is boundless.....how come I can't bring myself to be that brave? Or can't I? 

Is it fear that dictates my choices.....how defeated I feel by admitting....that with my first child I want....more than that.  I want you here......next to me....I want for my child....a healthy beginning in life.....and the picture of health is not me with without you.....or isn't it? I'm sorry but after all I have been through....I just want one thing, especially for another person's existence to be untouched by war.......how Utopian of me to entertain such thoughts....and slightly dire.....

....I didn't sleep well last night...I was too busy smiling at your face.....so I am tired today, a faint version of myself....I want to be sad and gloomy and spend the whole day sad and sorry for myself....but the rebel inside is telling me I need to make today perfect for you.....beginning first with some caffeine...and second with some cooking and baking....sometimes I feel like the food we eat is the only control I actually have over our lives......

 

....Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**

...I want to be a boy....**

020714
tminustwonights

I still haven't figured out a way to feel sexy or be sexy....I am such an awkward girl!   


Go figure! Its your last week home, our last week in a normal living situation and I am.......riding the crimson wave.....its been shark week....aunt flow came to visit.....miss dot is here....on my cycle, on the rag, having my period....

And I hate it....

The week prior............I feel like I want to morph into Carrie and unleash hell on earth ...everything with the exception of Karmella just needs to do itself a favor and DIE...you poor thing.....you just look at me and I want to explode....or maybe just choke you.....I'm sorry.......

The apathy...oh, the apathy....I can't believe how much I just don't care.  I don't care about peoples feelings, or your feelings.....I don't even care about my own feelings.......I shouldn't be allowed to live I swear......

The emotional response to fill the black hole that has seemingly opened up inside of me begins with horrible food choices....chocolate I just can't stop eating chocolate....the other day I was able to fight the urge to gorge myself with chocolate by eating an entire brick of brie cheese....and I didn't give a $%#@...not one iota did I care about my body, or my weight.....its just so uncharacteristic of me......

In the deep, deep, depths of my stupor....I search inside myself for the reasons I feel such....rage.......and can find no logical cause or explanation. ...I'm just driving down the road wondering why I can't seem to like my music and sing along, why it hurts to smile, why I just want to be alone in my melancholy world.....why on earth people's mere existence annoys the frick out of me........and can find no logical reason for my disdain......

So I tell myself.....maybe after a good workout I will feel better, ya know maybe if I hurt myself my weird need to hurt others will dissipate.....so there I am, busting my ass trying to get a sweat going....but I can't sweat...I mean I get a few beads here and there but nothing like what I am used to....I look around...and everybody else is sweating their asses off....and usually this workout would make me too.....But..........NOPE....my body just holds onto that extra water because there is nothing more ego inflating than the two kilos of pooch I get the honor of wearing for an entire week....

Can we just not talk about my weight?  Its only important if I have a fight, which sometimes I do and....its like what are my options?....starve? Don't drink water?  Knife off the opportunity to fight?.....so lame being limited by my lot in life....

But mostly its a pain.....if everybody thinks I am crazy its because I am....I have had the experience where.....there was a leak....try in Junior high or high school....walking with my friends jacket tied around my waste because- I was too cool for school or my personal favorite leaving the wonderful mark of womanhood on the couch for my father to discover....

How does a person live normally when they are are unrelentingly paranoid about these kinds of issues- do you know what its like being paranoid about the condition of your pants!?  Every single second wondering if you have sprung a leak all over your clothes and every body else can see it but because you decided to be normal for a second you let the ball drop and sprung a leak.......

Last night before bed.........

I was screaming expletives from the bathroom......While I was attending to my condition....and frustrated with the adhesive tabs and there lack of functioning properly on my "adult diaper"....

I crunched, swished and rustled into the bedroom.....my sexy adult diaper wearing swagger......and said to LEGS:

"I want to be a boy.

He laughed at me and said "NO. You don't."

Me: "YES. I DO.  I am sick of living in this undignified state.....I have an adhesive tab stuck to my thigh....and it will remain there for the rest of the night....because its the second diaper I have tried to attach successfully....."

LEGS: "You wouldn't like it if you were a boy."
Me: " Why the hell not!?! Why wouldn't I like it?"

LEGS: "You wouldn't like having balls and "wenis" between your legs.....its really a lot of work.

Me: "How so?"

LEGS: "Well imagine having very sensitive things hanging between your legs....you have to watch how you sit...."

Me: "So?  Are you telling me you have sat on your own ball?"

LEGS: "Ya.  That is why guys are always adjusting themselves....."

Me: "I don't think it would be that hard to be careful when I sit down."

LEGS: "Well you wouldn't like the danger either."

Me: "Danger?  There is more danger in being a boy?"

LEGS: "Ya don't you know...the mortality rate of boys is greater than girls?

Me: "Ya but....I always thought that was as a result of smarts.....you know....girls are smarter than boys so they die less often."

LEGS: "And the fear.  Boys feel fear differently than girls and that fear would change how you are tiff"
Me: "Maybe......"

As LEGS drifted off to sleep I laid in bed and thought about it......I am still NOT convinced I don't want to be a boy.....I think I would be one helluva a dude......

I am going to miss these conversations....

Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife......**