072812
Day 83
A LONG LETTER:
"I have become....comfortably numb." -Pink Floyd
I haven't written.
I lose the moment, the inspiration....I have lost the light behind my eyes.....what do people see now when they look at me? Do they see the obvious vacancy, the emptiness.....what do they feel when they are around me? Do they feel the apathy? The numbness?
And the truth is I have finally settled being without you.....the truth is.....I hardly FEEL anything anymore......
There was a time when I cried all the time. When I felt the sadness, the loneliness, the mania, the worry, the panic, the impending sense of doom.....all at once long into the depths and far into reaches of my existence.....
But now......I am NUMB. It scares me, I have become a monster.....if you burned me alive I wouldn't even cry out......this numbness.....I can't EVEN feel that I am numb because it doesn't totally engulf me.....its a black hole in my soul.....sucking parts of my daily happiness, daily sadness, my daily satisfaction, my daily apathy.....it never lets me fully experience these emotions, it robs me of half of my feelings.....and the other half are so weak and small and faint....its like they don't even exist.....
Its like tasting food when half your tongue is burnt, or watching a sporting event in such bad seats you can't tell what is going on.....its like fighting a fight without your vision.....
I have tried to cry.....I sit there....my face starts to wrinkle, I tell myself its okay if it comes out....I push a little you know try to get that wail going......and then I just stop.....my face returns to normal and I realize how silly I look....I have tried to conjure up some worrying thoughts.....or some sort of rise in my stress levels....I try to stoke the flames of my emotions to convince myself I can still feel something....but nothing ever comes.....
I wish some thing would knock me back. That I would have a few days when the sobering reality would backhand my apathetic face.....shake me to my core and help me be human again......
I don't like being comfortable without you. I don't like operating on a daily basis not aching, pining and missing you every single second of every single day. It makes me feel like a horrible wife.....like I don't love you as much as I should. It makes me feel like psychopath.......people assure me its a coping mechanism ...but somehow this explanation just doesn't cut through my fear of being a monster.....
Its not heartless and soul- less....its just that....nothing......and no one.....satisfies me the way you do.....I tell myself that if I spend time with people, friends, if I have good food, a long sleep and a glass of wine that I will be filled up with something other than emptiness.....you, you are what makes me human, what keeps me ALIVE.....you are what makes me FEEL ALIVE.......this is what purgatory must feel like......
When I think of what my life would look like if something happens to you I get so scared and frightened....I don't even have children to live for......what would my life look like? I am almost 30 years old....I have no children, no job, my whole life is about you......who would want such damaged goods? And would children even be an option for me after you? No.....they wouldn't. Because I am not one of those people that could pick up the pieces and move on fast enough to have a child.....it makes it hard to see past...into the future....to have hope....
Sometimes I think that I am actually happy and that I am okay....its during these moments I try very hard to remember all the details of the way you make me feel.....and then I remember.....
And after I remember I return to the existence that I now occupy.....
The desperation.....rips and claws away at my flesh.....it leaves me exposed and gives me no chance at self-respect....how I long for physical touch, for somebody to look me in the eye, to eat with somebody, to have a sentilating conversation, a laugh....of real genuine quality, a thirst for something only you can give me .....that skin on skin contact, but not just from anybody.....from your hands that are as gentle as a silk robe drifting over my back.......the desperation and vacancy make it so hard for me to be fully present in the minutes and hours, with others, I feel distracted because I am always reaching for that ALIVE feeling......
When I think of what my life would look like if something happens to you I get so scared and frightened....I don't even have children to live for......what would my life look like? I am almost 30 years old....I have no children, no job, my whole life is about you......who would want such damaged goods? And would children even be an option for me after you? No.....they wouldn't. Because I am not one of those people that could pick up the pieces and move on fast enough to have a child.....it makes it hard to see past...into the future....to have hope....
Sometimes I think that I am actually happy and that I am okay....its during these moments I try very hard to remember all the details of the way you make me feel.....and then I remember.....
And after I remember I return to the existence that I now occupy.....
The desperation.....rips and claws away at my flesh.....it leaves me exposed and gives me no chance at self-respect....how I long for physical touch, for somebody to look me in the eye, to eat with somebody, to have a sentilating conversation, a laugh....of real genuine quality, a thirst for something only you can give me .....that skin on skin contact, but not just from anybody.....from your hands that are as gentle as a silk robe drifting over my back.......the desperation and vacancy make it so hard for me to be fully present in the minutes and hours, with others, I feel distracted because I am always reaching for that ALIVE feeling......
I don't play music in the house nearly as often as I used to.....I have accepted the silence.....I do however spend more time talking to the dog.....she looks at me as if I am mad.....I don't know why- she doesn't look at me LIKE I am mad....because I am......its like she holds out hope that I am not.....I wonder what a kick it would be to film what I do alone.....
Mid tour is coming.....I am excited, but also nervous.....The only time I can feel anything is when I think of seeing you again.....I get choked up, and tears well in my eyes.....and then I think of saying goodbye to you again.....
The anger that waves over me is so incredible that I think of that moment passing.....I think that once you walk away from me again.......I will no longer believe in the good in the world, I feel as if I will have gone to the dark side and I won't ever come back......
I try to be stimulated by the ordinary......I look up at the sky....sending out my prayers, I send you thoughts....but alas no body answers back....
Mid tour is coming.....I am excited, but also nervous.....The only time I can feel anything is when I think of seeing you again.....I get choked up, and tears well in my eyes.....and then I think of saying goodbye to you again.....
The anger that waves over me is so incredible that I think of that moment passing.....I think that once you walk away from me again.......I will no longer believe in the good in the world, I feel as if I will have gone to the dark side and I won't ever come back......
I try to be stimulated by the ordinary......I look up at the sky....sending out my prayers, I send you thoughts....but alas no body answers back....
This life is hard...I keep telling myself its the one that I have chosen and I still find solace in the small blessings...
I guess I just wonder what comes after STRONG.....I have been strong for so long I don't even know what it feels like not to be....and maybe we are all really alone.....because nobody really knows all of your thoughts and feelings- maybe any of the joyous times we spend with others is just.....a temporary distraction to the real trials of life...and in the end....don't we end up ALONE anyway?
Perhaps relying on anybody or even feeling as ALIVE as I have felt with you is only a glimpse of heaven.....and most of our days are spent like animals......eating, sleeping, and surviving.....one thing is for certain....I am not LIVING.....I am just EXISTING....
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
Perhaps relying on anybody or even feeling as ALIVE as I have felt with you is only a glimpse of heaven.....and most of our days are spent like animals......eating, sleeping, and surviving.....one thing is for certain....I am not LIVING.....I am just EXISTING....
Just another day in the life of an unlikely military wife.....**
